“Please, it’s time to change the narrative and focus on what’s a bigger struggle to many. We must love every Yid… even a chareidi one”

Touched by the Loss [Inbox / Issue 1086]

Thank you for the beautiful article about Rav Ezra Neuberger. I read the letter from the girl who wrote that Rav Ezra deepened her appreciation for daas Torah and ended by saying that among the many talmidim mourning his loss, there is also one single girl out there mourning, too.

I am another girl mourning this loss. I went through a difficult challenge and Rav Ezra gave me hadrachah and guided me step-by-step with careful thought and compassion. There is so much that I learned and gained from his extraordinary hadrachah. The amount of time he gave me was so incredible, as if there weren’t so many others who needed him. His impact reached beyond the walls of the beis medrash, touching lives of so many, quietly and personally.

Name Withheld

Risk-Benefit Analysis [Guestlines / Issue 1086]

I wanted to add to the excellent piece by Rabbi Moshe Walter about the dangers of social media.

It’s known how incredibly dangerous social media can be, but even the “innocent” part should play no role in frum society. I don’t need to see your holiday/matching kids/simchahs/joke/quote on your WhatsApp profile picture or videos on your status. Why do we keep sharing every detail of our lives with others? Is it to cause jealousy, to show we are keeping up with the Joneses?

A few years ago, I resolved not to look at WhatsApp statuses. Yes, I may miss the details of a simchah or an offer that a shop is running, but I certainly don’t miss the rest of it.

My rav was once asked, “What about all the good done on social media, all the chesed and Tehillim groups?”

His answer was, “Who said Hashem wants it done that way?”

Does the good outweigh the bad?

I don’t think so.

Name Withheld

Zoom Out [Inbox / Issue 1085]

A recent article of Yonoson Rosenblum’s opened with the statement that on Hoshanah Rabba morning, like most Israelis, he watched the hostage release online. In response, a letter writer questioned his premise that most Orthodox Israelis have Internet at home. I’d like to respond to the letter writer.

While I truly admire your decision not to have Internet in your home, and am inspired by your mesirus nefesh in maintaining that standard, I must ask: What about the rest of the article? Were you not moved to tears by the extraordinary mesirus nefesh of the hostages, and by the waves of teshuvah sweeping through irreligious communities across Israel and beyond?

Yes, your analysis may well be correct — that not every Jew in Israel has Internet at home — but there is a time and place for such observations. Let’s not allow these details to overshadow the historic and uplifting moments unfolding before our eyes.

Ben Goodman

Love Every Jew [Outlook / Issue 1085]

I found the tone of Rabbi Rosenblum’s article criticizing the behavior of chareidim on planes very disturbing and judgmental. Aside from the gross generalization, those very same chareidim are incredible Jews. They simply struggle in different areas than Rabbi Rosenblum.

Why do we find it easier to love the Jew on the plane who eats the non-kosher meal while watching inappropriate movies on his smartphone, holding it with an arm full of tattoos, than the aforementioned chareidi? We are happy to strike up conversations with him and spend hours twisting our hashkafos to seem broadminded, capping the encounter with a big hug after landing.

But the chassid, to whom our attitude is diametrically different? He’s flying to mekomos hakedoshim and has a passion for davening. He’s in love with his tallis and tefillin and davens from Adon Olam until the very end. He brings his own food because he’s worried about the hechsher and bentshes with his hat and jacket because that’s what his zeides did. He learns Gemara, the sedrah, and Rav Biderman’s sheets, and he has a shtreimel box, a sheitel box and a carry-on, because for him bigdei Shabbos and tzniyus are kodesh kodshim.

He speaks Yiddish to remove himself from foreign influences and, no, he isn’t willing to sit next to a woman, because the possibility of touching her is scarier to him than touching fire.

If you would talk to him you would hear of his humility and bittul for his rebbe, his hachnassas orchim, his Shabbos table, his kedushah, his Tehillim, his attachment to every minhag Yisrael. You would hear his fascinating worldview, one that resonates as true and authentic, although we are unable to adhere to it and be so insulated.

This magazine has inundated us with the message to love every Jew, even a chiloni one.

Please, it’s time to change the narrative and focus on what’s a bigger struggle to many. We must love every Yid… even a chareidi one. Talk to him on the plane, educate yourself, and hug him at the end.

I ask Rabbi Rosenblum to expound on the subject of love for every Jew in his articles.

I love chareidim.

Rabbi Rafi Brodie

Every Jew Is Holy [Outlook / Issue 1085]

I read with great interest Yonason Rosenblum’s recent articles emphasizing our responsibility to help every Jew connect with their pintele Yid. I’d like to share an experience that deeply reflects that message.

This past summer, while in Yerushalayim, I came down with a bad case of cellulitis and ended up in the ER at Shaare Zedek Hospital just as Shabbos began. About half an hour after sundown, someone entered the ER, placed a bottle of wine on the nurses’ station, and made Kiddush for everyone present. You could have heard a pin drop.

Every secular Jew in the room covered their heads in reverence and listened intently to every word. As Hebrew speakers, they understood each word and clearly connected with the message of Kiddush: “You have chosen us and sanctified us from among all nations, and given us Your holy Shabbos with love and favor.”

I realized from that moment that in Eretz Yisrael there are no truly secular Jews — only those who are more observant and those who are less so. Every one of us is, in truth, part of Hashem’s special nation.

Azriel Hauptman
Baltimore, MD

Just Say No [Inbox / Issue 1085]

The article entitled “The Cup Spills Over” in Mishpacha’s Succos issue was profoundly disheartening, and the subsequent inbox letter from “A Mother of Yeshivah Bochurim” clearly illustrates how the dangerous culture described in the article is absolutely a reality and something that cannot be tolerated.

In my experience as a shul rabbi, rebbi of teenage boys, and a simple bystander, I have seen it all. There’s the baal habayis who came home drunk from shul, the husband whose wife finally said, “Enough is enough,” and demanded a get, and the person learning in a renowned yeshivah (I will not call him a ben Torah) who asked someone else to wash his hands for netilas yadayim at a wedding seudah because he was too confused to do it himself. Simply nodding our heads in disappointment will get us nowhere.

Years ago, Mishpacha printed an article that I had written on the same topic, one that elicited interest and gratitude from friends and neighbors, but sadly not more. Instead of raising our arms in defeat and accepting this as “the way it is now,” it’s time for us to all become the adults in the room and change the culture of drinking once and for all.

It’s a shanda that we even have to address this at all. The Orchos Tzaddikim (Shaar Simchah) quotes in the name of the Rambam that people sitting around a table getting drunk is a bigger bizayon than running around undressed in public. Pesukim in Yeshayahu are replete with admonition and derision toward those who get drunk, as the above Orchos Tzaddikim quotes as well. We have completely lost our way by tolerating this for as long as we have.

And this is besides the very real churban to shalom bayis and the safety of our families. The expression “shicker vi a goy” says it all. Do we have no shame? Are we becoming “naval shelo b’reshus haTorah,” to paraphrase from the words of the Ramban on the pasuk of kedoshim tihiyu?

The tone of the original article seemed to be one of bitter acceptance of the new reality, along with limudei zechus on top of it. Enough is enough. We do not need to justify such destructive behavior. We merely need to read the Chumash that tells us, “Vayishman Yeshurun vayivat.” We are blessed with unprecedented abundance but have fallen prey to its trappings. Making believe that it is anything other than that is simply foolish and a cover for the churban that the phenomenon really is.

Our older readers will recall the days when televisions used to be almost ubiquitous. Yet when they became vehicles for the three cardinal sins and a clear threat to Klal Yisrael’s ruchniyus, there was a constant barrage of mecha’ah from rabbanim, roshei yeshivah, and other community leaders, and most upstanding shomrei Torah u’mitzvos got rid of their sets. A common question asked when inquiring about a shidduch was, “Do they have a TV?” An answer in the affirmative was a nonstarter in many circles.

Televisions have indeed become a relic of the past. The Satan replaced them with smartphones, and the battle, which is ongoing, began anew. The Torah community was willing to wage that battle as well, difficult and complicated as it is.

It is time that the battle against irresponsible alcohol consumption follows suit. The front lines of prevention are the shuls, but it doesn’t stop there. There is no reason why a gabbai cannot be appointed to give out a l’chayim responsibly to those who want one, as takes place in many shuls. Rabbanim must set policies without fear of reprisal from those that object. They must also educate their kehillos to understand why the drinking culture is so dangerous and out of line with Torah values.

It’s also important to convey the positive lesson to appreciate the true simchah that comes from Torah and truly taking part in the simchahs of others. The “simchah” that comes from a bottle is only an illusion that ultimately leads to the opposite of simchah, and often to tragedy.

Responsible families can refuse to have uncontrolled alcohol at their simchahs. I personally know prominent balabatim who did not have alcohol at the bars at their chasunahs. Their sense of achrayus not to be a michshol to bochurim and others who may be irresponsible was stronger than any peer pressure.

Mosdos of Torah and chesed should make it clear that alcohol has no place at their parlor meetings and will not be served. Period.

Massive media campaigns have waged war against talking during davening, abusive behavior, and other worthwhile tikkunim. We need to create a new culture in which wanton use of alcohol is recognized as repulsive, and in which the people who promote it are not looked up to as role models. If, as a tzibbur, we are willing to muster the courage to do the same for this, embarrassing as it is, it can be done as well.

Prospective shidduchim should be nonstarters if there is an inkling that drinking is part of the young man’s life, just as smoking is a nonstarter to many families. Savvy parents know how to read between the lines of a vague answer.

Young women need to be taught to identify if their husband has a problem with alcohol, particularly newlyweds who may be a little more naive or willing to look the other way, and given the tools and courage to let the husband know such behavior is intolerable and unacceptable, no different than compulsive gambling or other vices. Her home and future family are at stake. A reading of the riot act should follow with responsible guidance from a rav who appreciates the gravity of the problem.

The culture of tolerance must end now. It starts with all of us doing our part. If we want to maintain our standing as an am kadosh and save our next generation, silence and complacency is not an option. It is time for the solution.

Henoch Plotnik

In Search of Clarification [Guestlines / Issue 1084]

I generally appreciate Dr. Wikler’s insightful articles, but I would like to raise several points regarding his latest one, “Make Up Your Mind Already!” Dr. Wikler suggests that indecision is rooted in low self-esteem. Conversely, he says that by improving one’s self- esteem one can learn to become more decisive.

Although indecisiveness can be attributed to low self-esteem, research on many of the most common psychological conditions such as depression, anxiety, addictions, and eating disorders (to name a few), have consistently demonstrated low self-esteem as an underlying factor. It is quite logical and self-evident that anyone feeling low about themselves may suffer from any of these disorders. I’m quite sure that Dr. Wikler would not advocate treating all of those conditions by working on self-esteem. Rather, each of the aforementioned conditions have more specific factors that would need to be addressed in any competent treatment. Addressing the more specific factors may obviate the need for work on self-esteem specifically. But in either case, self-esteem would only become the focus of treatment after these other primary factors are addressed.

Regarding indecision specifically, the primary contributing factor is an “intolerance of uncertainty.” Folks who struggle with indecision obsess excessively about the different options in an attempt to make the “right/best” decision. Hence, indecision is a primary form of OCD. Consequently, competent treatment would target the underlying factor by developing tolerance of uncertainty, as in typical OCD treatment. One is likely to achieve far quicker and lasting results this way, as opposed to addressing low self-esteem exclusively. Working on developing self-esteem is an extremely challenging and lengthy process, and it does not specifically target indecisiveness.

I would also like to take issue with referencing and diagnosing Shaul Hamelech with low self-esteem. As the ben Torah he is, I’m sure Dr. Wikler is aware that the characters and stories of Tanach are far beyond our simple levels of comprehension. Attributing any sort of psychological deficiencies to one of the greatest historical figures of our nation is beyond the pale. I’m sure this was an oversight on his part.

In truth, Shaul Hamelech’s error was rooted in humility and compassion (as self-evident from the verses), which are both commendable attributes. However in this case, Shaul’s humility and compassion were misplaced (see Sichos Mussar–Vayeishev). This is very different than ascribing low self-esteem and indecisiveness rooted in psychological deficiencies to this melech b’Yisrael.

I’m sure Dr. Wikler himself can write an article explaining the difference between humility as a virtue and low self-esteem as an undesirable character trait. I look forward to Dr. Wikler’s response and clarification.

Mordechai Weiss, LCSW

Dr. Wikler responds:

I appreciate your kind words, thoughtful comments, and the opportunity they afford me to clarify the following points.

I wholeheartedly agree that indecision is a complex, multifaceted problem with multiple causes. And had I been writing for a mental health professional journal, I would have included all the ones you mentioned, as well as others.

I also agree that a clinician treating someone suffering from this malady should keep in mind all of the contributing factors you mentioned. And whenever I am working with someone challenged in this way, I keep in mind all of them and more.

The case I presented at the outset, however, was of a husband seeking guidance in dealing with his wife’s chronic indecision. Rav Yisrael Salanter is often quoted as having said, “The hardest thing in the world to change is a middah, (character trait).” He said that in reference to one who wants to change himself. When trying to change some else, it is infinitely harder! As I was writing for a general readership, therefore, my purpose was not to recommend a treatment protocol for therapists, but to offer practical suggestions that could help people deal with a family member who suffers from this condition.

Finally, regarding Shaul Hamelech, again I agree with you that we certainly must never assume we can ever come close to understanding the lofty stature of our ancestors mentioned in Tanach. If the Amora Rav Ashi was rebuked for judging Melech Menashe, all the more so must we refrain from doing so. The assessment of Shaul manifesting low self-esteem, however, was not made by me. Rather, as I cited in my article, it was made by Nosson Hanavi who rebuked Shaul by saying, “Im katon atah b’einecha,” which can only be translated as, “If you are small in your own eyes,” or, alternatively, as, “Though you may see yourself as small.”

I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.

Blessed to Belong [Guestlines / Issue 1077]

I’m only now catching up with my reading, so forgive me if this letter is a bit late. But as late as I am, I just could not resist. I read Miriam Kosman’s article “What We’re Doing Right with Our Sons,” with tremendous joy. As I peruse through our periodicals, newspapers, and magazines, I often find myself saying, “Mi k’amcha Yisrael.” Our people are so unbelievable. There is so much to admire, to emulate. Mrs. Kosman’s discussion of our sons, grandsons, and sons-in-law, too, is most heartwarming, so positive. And most amazing, it’s all true!

We raised our family in the heart of New York City. As we observed secular families in our apartment building, it was obvious that our family was a league apart. It was clear to see that our children conducted themselves according to an elevated set of precepts. The building staff would often comment. My husband and I would just count our blessings, so grateful to be raising our children in a totally different realm, to grow to be bnei Torah and bnos Torah.

Thank you so much, Mrs. Kosman, for presenting our menfolk in such a beautiful, positive fashion, highlighting these details that we may not have been totally aware of. How very blessed we are! And thank You, Hashem, for bestowing upon us such bountiful blessings!

Miriam Liebermann

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1087)