“If you truly care about simchas Yom Tov, prove it. Make your parties alcohol-free”

Make Peace with Reality [Open Mic / Issue 1084]

In the article titled “Calendar Conundrum,” the author correctly identifies the issues surrounding the school and camp summer calendars. He advocates the schools and camps ignore Labor Day and adopt a schedule solely based on the Hebrew calendar. If fully implemented, this would indeed resolve all the challenges posed by this year’s early Elul. The key words, of course, being “fully implemented.”

If somehow the Regents could be given in early June, secular studies and busing would start in August, and both boys’ and girls’ schools would start and end at the same time, all parents would be thrilled at this solution. Sadly, however, idealism must give way to reality. The Regents will be given in late June, secular studies will not start before Labor Day, schools who rely on government-provided busing will not have busing until after Labor Day, and the girls’ schools will not move their calendars.

The ultimate result of this Elul-focused push will result in an already difficult and complicated situation being made more difficult and complicated. Boys will end school early, with high schoolers not in yeshivah camp having to somehow manage Regents and camp. They will then begin yeshivah early, but for the first weeks will have half days with no secular studies and often no busing (Labor Day this year is September 7, which means secular studies will begin September 8). Our girls, meanwhile, will be on a completely different schedule. How working parents will juggle all this is an issue nobody seems to address. Ironically, this change intended to prepare our children adequately for the Yamim Noraim will result in hours and hours of no learning or structure during Elul.

The alternative option is to do what has always been done: Allow camp to go a little into Elul and get creative in their hiring. Let’s not forget that camps will have to hire counselors for first half regardless. I’m not sure which yeshivos end June 15, but insist on starting Rosh Chodesh Elul. As the author suggests, let’s ask ourselves, but honestly, “What is the best thing for our talmidim?” and not what is best for our camps.

Gedaliah Wielgus

North Woodmere, NY

Mesorah Is Irreplaceable [Endnote / Issue 1084]

Thank you for your publication. I particularly enjoy reading the Endnote column about the different genres of Jewish music. However, I was disturbed to read the interviewee’s response this week when asked about Friday night zemiros. He responded, “I actually don’t really sing the conventional zemiros.”

There’s nothing wrong with adding on to the zemiros but the conventional zemiros are irreplaceable. Besides the many layers of depth that lie in the timeless words, the tunes that have been passed down through the generations are full of depth and meaning that are otherworldly. No modern tune in the world, however nice, can replace tunes dating to the times of the Rishonim. One can write about his favorite tunes without throwing out the mesorah of his fathers.

Avi Taub

It Wasn’t About Self Care [Inbox / Issue 1083]

A recent Inbox letter referenced Esther Kurtz’s Calligraphy story “Pink Tiles” and protested that the protagonist took self-care too far. I disagree; I didn’t think the story touched on self-care at all. I viewed it as brilliant social commentary on learning to embrace different stages in life. Yes, it was messy and complicated, with Leah seeking to develop her identity beyond the wife and mother roles that had defined her for so long, and Faigy navigating new motherhood and her perceived loss of self. The characters were relatable, and of course imperfect, as we all are.

Thank you, Esther Kurtz, for prompting us to examine the themes of wifehood, motherhood, selflessness, and identity, and their shifting interplay and significance as we move through life.

Rivkie S.

Don’t Normalize Internet Usage [Outlook / Issue 1083]

Yonoson Rosenblum began a recent article saying “Like almost every Jew in Israel... I spent the morning of Hoshana Rabbah watching the return of 20 Israeli hostages....”

I was disturbed by the inherent assumption. I don’t believe that almost every Jew in Israel has Internet in their home, and many that do use it only for parnassah. I don’t think it is smart to give even the smartphone-using Orthodox public the impression that this is the norm. I do not live in Kiryat Sefer, Bnei Brak, or even Mattersdorf or Sanhedria. My boys shave the area of their peyos with a mutar blade, and they do not go to Tifrach or Orchos. Yet we do not have Internet in the house, and many of our neighbors are the same. It is a disservice to Orthodox Jews to imply otherwise.

Even Internet users, and definitely smartphone users, should know that where it could be cut back, it should be. Chaval that we have to rely on Charlie Kirk to deliver the message.

Name Withheld

Driven to Grow [A Hug with Two Arms / Issue 1083]

Thank you for the words of chizuk from Rabbi Roth in regard to the four bochurim who were killed on the road. I was able to implement some of it when I was driving recently and called someone who I thought could use the chizuk.

I was thinking of making a sticker for the dashboard that says something like, “How will you use your driving time today?” This would be a constant reminder that our time driving can have so many positive uses.

Name Withheld

The Way He Wanted It [A Prince Among Men / Issue 1083]

As someone who was present in Bnai Jacob Shaarei Zion this past Simchas Torah, we have to correct a small detail about the mood in shul over Yom Tov, as cited in the article about Rabbi Hauer. To quote Mishpacha: “The shul did their best to jump while chanting Moshe emes v’soraso emes, but it felt empty, wrong. The energy of the cry was missing.”

That isn’t exactly true. Yes, people were asking about Rabbi Hauer’s whereabouts and rumors were spreading that he wasn’t feeling well. He was definitely missed. However, the shul was as joyous as any other year, with nothing missing. The energy was the same, the way Rabbi Hauer would have wanted it to be. Most incredible was Rabbi Rose himself, who was aware of the real situation, and still spoke, danced, jumped, and led us through Yom Tov with simchah in spite of the bombshell news he was keeping secret at the time. We are privileged to have called Rabbi Hauer our personal rav and to be part of the kehillah he loved and created.

Shlomo Nosson and Bracha Rotberg

“Vayamas Moshe” [Prince Among Men / Issue 1083]

My husband met me outside in the lobby at shul on Simchas Torah this year. He told me Rabbi Hauer wasn’t there, which was so unusual. No one knew anything, but everyone was concerned. Then we went back in for leining. As the baal korei was leining the aliyah in which Moshe Rabbeinu died, he cried. I felt chills. Motzaei Chag the news hit the Baltimore community, only after the family was notified.

After Rabbi Hauer began his tenure at the OU, our shul was lucky enough to have Rabbi Rose take over as the shul’s rabbi. In his hesped, he said, “When we read about Moshe Rabbeinu’s death, we had no idea we were talking about our own Moshe Rabbeinu.” And we all cried.

My last memory of Rabbi Hauer was his traditional brachah after his Yizkor derashah; he’d offer the brachah usually given by a parent. Rabbi Hauer was the only frum parent to give me this brachah. And as I write these words, wondering who will be there for me the next time we say Yizkor, I think of his children who are left with a gaping hole that can’t be filled. I hope all of the letters of nechamah offer something to his incredible family. This loss is sudden, shocking, and we were so lucky to have him.

Name Withheld

Our Moshe Rabbeinu [A Prince Among Men / Issue 1083]

Though I worked in a different division at the OU than Rabbi Moshe Hauer, I would feel remiss if I didn’t say something about this giant. In many previous organizations that I worked at, the influence of one executive was not strongly felt throughout the whole organization. But for someone whose sine qua non was ahavas Yisrael, it’s no surprise that so many, throughout the OU, all felt his loss.

Someone remarked to me how she would miss his “elevator” hello. When she heard about his death, she knew that the beginning of her day would never be the same.

On a larger scale, I remember the program where the OU hosted families of the hostages. This cause was near and dear to Rabbi Hauer. He felt it his duty to call for Tehillim at the end, to bind everyone together for prayers to the Creator.

Many have compared him to his namesake Moshe. Moshe was an eved Hashem, a representative of the klal, and the humblest man on earth. Indeed, Rabbi Moshe Hauer was our Moshe Rabbeinu.

Name Withheld

Solving the Mystery [StanDing Ovation / Issue 1083]

I thoroughly enjoyed the recent StanDing Ovation from veteran music producer Nachman Dovid Golding, where he shared his deep appreciation for traditional Jewish songs that are sung all over the world on Simchas Torah and throughout the year. In fact, I brought this article to our Shabbos table to share it with my family. I would like my children to also develop a liking for these treasured songs, composed by great tzaddikim.

The article stated that “everyone knows that Rav Yitzchak Hutner ztz”l wrote the words to ‘Bilvavi’. ” I was surprised because I recall reading that the actual words are hundreds of years old, from a piyut in Sefer Chareidim which was written by Rav Elazar Azkari, the author of Yedid Nefesh, (1533–1600). However, after a bit of searching, I found in a StanDing Ovation from November 2022 that Rav Hutner had adapted the words from the Sefer Chareidim.

Rabbi Shmuel Brazil heard these words from his rebbi, Rav Hutner, and matched one of his finest compositions to these moving words, creating the “Bilvavi” we know.

I look forward to reading more of these columns to enrich my knowledge of authentic Jewish music.

A.F

You Encouraged My Child [One Time, One Time / Issue 1082]

My nine-year-old son is a chevrehman, and a quick-thinking, fast-action-paced, fun-loving young man. And he also really struggles in school. He loves the One Time Stories, has read the book, and really looks up to Rabbi Scheller.

So it was no surprise when he picked up the main Mishpacha magazine and went straight for the One Time column. Midway through the article he stopped and said, “Ma, Eli Scheller had undiagnosed ADHD like me.” (His is diagnosed.)

I looked at him and said, “Yes, and look at what he’s done with it. You can also do amazing things.”

Your column touched one child, and for that, I say thank you.

Name Withheld

On Its Own Merit [The Moment / Issue 1081]

In their initial discussion of ArtScroll/Mesorah’s new edition of the Minchas Chinuch, Shmuel Botnick and Yosef Herz write: “Ein devarim gedolim b’mikreh — Big things are not coincidental, Chazal tell us.”

I am not aware of any source for this expression or idea in the literature of Chazal; to the best of my knowledge, the principle originates with the Maharal.

In a follow-up to their initial discussion, the authors assert that the impetus of Rav Yosef Babad’s decision to publish his Minchas Chinuch was the theft of many of his other manuscripts by “zealots” infuriated with a stance he took during the Sanz-Sadigura controversy, and the subsequent encouragement and blessing from his brother-in-law Rav Chaim Halberstam, the Sanzer Rav, to publish his sole remaining work.

While Rav Babad himself does state in the introduction to the Minchas Chinuch that his impetus to publish the work was the theft of “a large collection of his novellae on the Torah and Shulchan Aruch,” he does not identify the perpetrators of or motive behind the theft, and makes no mention of any conversation on the matter with his saintly brother-in-law. These additional details provided by the authors apparently derive from accounts that have first appeared relatively recently in Chassidic sources, and should be characterized as such rather than asserted as facts.

The authors proceed to declare: “Upon reflection, it’s obvious that the sefer’s success is uncanny… When one stops to ponder this, it’s clear that something supernatural is at hand. The sefer’s success flows from the brachah, and the promise, of the Divrei Chaim.”

It can only be “obvious” and “clear” that the Minchas Chinuch’s success is “uncanny” and “supernatural” if one assumes that its success cannot be merely a consequence of its inherent quality, but one might argue that the work’s unique combination of scholarly excellence, originality, engaging content, and accessibility is indeed sufficient to explain its enduring popularity.

I thank the authors for their always interesting and informative columns.

Name Withheld

Growing Concern [The Cup Spills Over / Issue 1081]

Thank you for your Succos edition filled with so many beautiful and thought-provoking articles. Two, in particular, struck me — and I couldn’t help but notice how closely they’re connected.

As a mother of strong learning bochurim from well-known yeshivos, I’ve watched the drinking culture spiral completely out of control. What used to be a l’chayim here and there has become the norm — toameha, kiddushim and Friday night meals are loaded with hard liquor, bottles passed around like water. Whenever I express concern, I get brushed off with, “Chill, Ma — we know when to stop.” But they don’t know when to stop. Teenagers are not equipped to understand the dangers of alcohol, and pretending otherwise is just denial. We’re watching an entire generation become desensitized to alcohol, and it’s terrifying.

Then I read the Double Take about the lavish Succos parties Americans are throwing in Israel, and it hit a nerve. I was in Israel this Succos, and I saw it firsthand: endless tables of expensive whiskey, vodka, and tequila, all freely poured for bochurim. Supposedly, it’s “to add simchah.” But let’s be honest — at whose expense?

If these boys are being invited to one Simchas Beis Hashoeivah after another, that means they’re drinking night after night. Who’s taking responsibility for that? Because from my perspective, it looks like the balabatim are throwing massive, showy parties to boost their own egos — and using the bochurim as props to make it feel authentic.

I’ll say it clearly: You’re using them. You’re mistreating our sons — turning them into pawns in your performance of “simchah.” You get to feel good about hosting, about creating a lively atmosphere, while they pay the price with their health, their judgment, and their dignity.

And what’s most painful is this: We send our sons to Eretz Yisrael to learn, to absorb the kedushah and purity of the land, to grow in Torah and yiras Shamayim. Instead, they’re being exposed to an unhealthy and unrealistic lifestyle, where wealth and excess are flaunted, and drinking is treated as a sign of maturity or joy. This isn’t what we dreamed of when we sent them off with tears in our eyes and pride in our hearts.

If you truly care about simchas Yom Tov, prove it. Make your parties alcohol-free.

Let the singing, the dancing, the Torah, and the achdus be the source of joy — not the liquor bottles lining the tables. It’s time to stop confusing intoxication with inspiration.

A Mother of Yeshivah Bochurim

No More Pictures [Kichels / Issue 1081]

Some Kichels have us laughing so hard we cry. But the Succos edition comic about girls in shidduchim had me crying in pain. How low have we sunk?

Unfortunately, every piece of it was totally spot on. And while we know that every woman (and man’s) shidduch is in Hashem’s hands, people still endure an arduous and often degrading process in hopes that it will lead to their bashert.

This cannot continue.

So as not to be accused of “complaining about the system” without concrete solutions, I’ll offer one suggestion: no more pictures. Full stop.

No more “it’s just to check her tzniyus.” No more “how about a family photo so we know the type?” No more “it’s only for the mom.”

Every shadchan must stop demanding them. Every mother must stop asking for them. And every girl must stop providing them claiming (or being told), “it’s normal hishtadlus.” Let’s change the system so that this is no longer normal hishtadlus.

The Succos edition also features an excellent piece by Rabbi Chaim Aryeh Zev Ginsburg describing the greatness of Rav Chodosh, who cried because “a bas Yisrael is in pain.” I cannot imagine how many more tears he would have sobbed had he been told the full insanity of our current situation, pictures and all. But perhaps if we can adopt one iota of his empathy for bnos Yisrael, we will each do our part to put an end to this madness.

M.K.

Orlando, FL.

Amazed by His Courage [Open Mic / Issue 1070]

I know it’s been a number of months since you printed Mordy Berkowitz’s Open Mic piece, but it’s still something I think about. I was shaken by his story and completely awed by his raw courage to speak out publicly, to share his real name and picture! I can’t fathom what his life has now turned into, what he lives with.

And it wasn’t just the article where I saw his name — I started seeing ads, I think even a billboard. “The Mordy Berkowitz Project,” they said. He was continuing to campaign, to put his name in public for everyone to see.... His courage amazes me.

I also wanted to ask for his Tehillim name — the article said he’s awaiting sentencing. I would like to be able to daven for him.

Name Withheld

Editor’s Note: Tehillim name is Mordechai ben Sara Rinah.

Pull Away to Come Back [Open Mic / Issue 1079]

I have been following the letters covering the different angles of parent/child alienation. I feel like one nuance or idea has been overlooked. I say this as a regular person, not a therapist, but also as someone who has done a lot of my own work with a very healthy therapist.

I’d like to qualify that what I’m writing about is obviously not referring to a situation where someone is in current danger. But assuming you are safe today, permanent alienation is never an option. Running away or alienating doesn’t help you, the hurt individual, as a person, to move forward or be healthier.

What I do see as so helpful is to pull away with intention, pulling away in order to be able to come back. Take a step away in order to do your work to be able to then come back to the individual with a healthier approach and in a way that feels safe and good to you.

Of course, if we could change the other person, that would be magical and all the problems would be fixed. But we can’t. And that wouldn’t change us, how we manage ourselves, how we react and respond and how we absorb those around us.

Obviously, each situation is individual, but in my experiences, I have seen and benefitted from pulling away, learning about myself, my hurt, my pain; learning how to navigate the old situation in new ways through my own changes and a renewed, healthier self. It has been empowering and invigorating, while very painful at the same time. I now have a good relationship with those individuals. Life isn’t perfect and my situation likely never will be, but it’s functional, healthy, mindful, and I’m able to respect myself and my feelings without allowing myself to get hurt repeatedly.

I pulled away enough to do the work, without announcing it, not even sure they noticed it much, and with the right support. I worked really hard and was able to return with the right boundaries in place for my own self-protection, and feeling fulfilled in this rewarding relationship experience. I have changed the only person I can change; I feel safe, I feel empowered.

I am so grateful to Hashem for connecting me with a therapist who walked me through it without my even realizing the whole approach as I was in it. It has been a process and it couldn’t be rushed.

My brachah to all those experiencing this excruciating pain in either direction is that you should be able to work it through, to create connections and not loss, with lots of siyata d’Shmaya.

M.G

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1085)