The spark that starts the week

Prepared for print by Faigy Peritzman

I live in a place where Shabbos ends close to midnight. If I’m too tired to wait up for Havdalah, may I go to sleep and recite Havdalah in the morning?

While not optimal, it still may be done, since if Havdalah isn’t made on Motzaei Shabbos, it may be recited until the end (sunset) of Tuesday of that week. Note that whenever Havdalah isn’t made on Motzaei Shabbos, the introductory verses plus the brachos on besamim and aish are omitted, so the entire Havdalah will only be the brachos of hagafen and hamavdil.

Note as well, that you’re not allowed to eat and drink before Havdalah, so on Sunday morning you may not have your morning coffee (or breakfast) before Havdalah. But since you aren’t allowed to drink wine or grape juice before davening, you’ll need to daven Shacharis first. Alternatively, you can recite Havdalah over coffee, which is considered chamar medinah and valid for Havdalah.

If, for some reason, waiting until Sunday morning to make Havdalah doesn’t work for you, it’s permitted for you to daven Maariv, recite atah chonantanu, and make Havdalah (without besamim or aish) on Shabbos afternoon any time after plag haMinchah. You can then eat Melaveh Malkah, and retire for the night. Obviously, it’s strictly forbidden to do any melachah until nightfall.

Up to what age should a child be directed to go to sleep before Havdalah and “make it up” the next day?

A child under bar or bas mitzvah age who will be unable to function properly the next day if he stays up late for Havdalah should be told to go to sleep and not wait for Havdalah to be recited, and certainly children shouldn’t be woken up to hear Havdalah. The practice in some families (and schools) is that those children make up the Havdalah (without besamim and aish) on Sunday morning. While this is praiseworthy, it’s not required, and children need not be pushed or pressured to do so.

If a child refuses to go to sleep until he (or she) hears Havdalah, the child can make his own Havdalah (without besamim or aish) any time after plag haMinchah, as mentioned in the previous answer.

I’m recently divorced, and I’ve seen the prevalent custom that single women go to a neighbor so that they hear Havdalah from a man. Is this absolutely necessary, or may I make my own?

Optimally, women shouldn’t make their own Havdalah because there’s a minority opinion that holds that women are exempt from Havdalah  altogether. In order to avoid the possibility she’s making a questionable brachah, we recommend women hear Havdalah from a man. But if for any reason it’s uncomfortable or it doesn’t work for you, you’re allowed to follow the majority view that women are obligated in Havdalah just like men. Additionally, if your (male) neighbor has already heard or made Havdalah, then it’s better if you make Havdalah for yourself than for him to make it for you.

Although there’s a widespread custom that women don’t drink from the Havdalah cup, in this case the custom is suspended in order for you to be able to fulfill the mitzvah of Havdalah. If you have a son between the ages of seven and thirteen, you can avoid the drinking issue by making the Havdalah, and having your son drink the beverage. Alternatively, you can use chamar medinah (beer, coffee, tea) for Havdalah, since the custom of women not drinking from Havdalah applies only to wine and grape juice.

My daughter feels very left out when her brothers can drink the Havdalah wine, but she can’t. She asked me why, and I didn’t know the answer!

Shelah Hakadosh, the original source for this custom, suggests that it’s associated with Chava’s role in the sin of the eitz hada’as which, according to some sources, was a grapevine. Regardless of the reason, this custom should be meticulously kept, since it is codified by the later poskim and has been widely accepted. The well-known legend that a woman who drinks from Havdalah will grow facial hair is an old wives’ tale and has no valid source at all.

A few friends and I had a sleepover Shabbos at a house where the girl’s parents were away. My father insisted that I come home for Havdalah instead of hearing it from my hostess. Is this crucial?

A woman who is making Havdalah for herself can lechatchilah be motzi any other woman who needs to hear Havdalah. Perhaps your father was under the impression that since there were no men in the house, there was no way for them to make Havdalah, but as mentioned earlier, this is not the case.

In camp, when we get to the brachah of besamim, we all just take a breath and pretend we’ve smelled it. Must we actually be smelling the besamim to say amen to the brachah?

Although, as mentioned, the halachah follows the majority opinion that women are obligated in Havdalah, the poskim agree that it applies only to the mitzvah of Havdalah itself, but not to the related mitzvos of besamim or aish. Still, like any other time-bound mitzvah from which women are exempt, they’re allowed to accept it upon themselves, and if they do, they’re fulfilling a mitzvah. So it’s completely optional for you whether or not to actually smell the besamim. Either way, it’s permitted for women to answer amen to the brachah being recited by the person making Havdalah.

The same halachah applies to aish: Women are exempt, but if they wish, they may accept it upon themselves and perform the mitzvah. It’s completely optional for you whether or not you wish to extend your hands to benefit from the fire.

A group of friends and I went on a week’s camping trip and although we had matches for Havdalah, we did not have besamim. If we break a branch off a nearby plant, is the brachah any different?

On Motzaei Shabbos, only the brachah of borei minei besamim is recited, even if you use different types of pleasant-smelling plants, which during the week would require a different type of brachah, such as borei atzei besamim or borei isvei besamim.

I was recently at a hotel, and by the time I realized they had started Havdalah, I’d missed some of the service. Does that invalidate the whole Havdalah?

As long as you heard the entire final brachah of hamavdil, even if you completely missed the introductory verses and the brachos of hagafen, besamim, and aish, you have fulfilled your obligation and don’t need to find another person to make Havdalah for you.

My family was sitting shivah and when my brother made Havdalah, we realized that none of us may drink the wine.

Your question is based on a mistake: A mourner during shivah is permitted to drink wine. Only an onen, a person whose close relative died but has not yet been buried, may not drink wine. This question doesn’t apply to an onen, since he’s exempt from all mitzvos including Havdalah.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 967)