Strategies for intentional living from experts who get it

Why All the Fuss?

Tsippy Kraus

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ost of us see ourselves as caring, compassionate people. We want to empathize, to understand, and to help. Therefore, when someone shares their pain, we often draw on our own past struggles, how we “pushed through” for the sake of our sanity, our marriages, and our families. Without realizing it, we may be responding to them in the same way we behaved or were treated in similar situations.

This is one of the most common and harmful dynamics I see when working with women in birth-related trauma therapy.

Take, for example, a client who suffered from severe hyperemesis gravidarum (HG), to the point of being hospitalized multiple times during pregnancy. She missed family celebrations, avoided gatherings because every smell triggered relentless vomiting, and endured body aches from the constant strain. When she confided in a well-meaning listener, that person, trying to be supportive, might have thought back to her own mild morning sickness as a newlywed. Her response? Something like, “Perhaps some fresh air would have done you good.”

Consider another client who experienced a deeply distressing birth. There might have been no major medical crisis, but emotionally it was shattering. Her birth support wasn’t there when she needed her. Labor lasted far longer than expected, and when things suddenly progressed, her husband was absent, having been sent home, thinking things were still not moving. She continuously felt patronized, disbelieved, unsupported, and out of control. Now, she is highly anxious about being left alone with her baby in case something goes wrong, and on high alert regarding every ache and pain she feels, thinking it could be life-threatening. A visitor, recalling her own lengthy labor, remembering how she managed “like a trouper” without pain relief, might think, Why is she making such a fuss? and say, “Yes, birth can be like that, but look at your little one, he’s worth it.”

I hear variations of these stories all the time from women dealing with nursing challenges, inconsolable babies, and many other birth-related struggles. Well-intentioned comments can unintentionally silence those who are suffering. Fearing dismissal, they stop reaching out.

So how can we truly support someone if we can’t rely solely on our own experience as a guide?

Do:

Listen and pay attention. This is her story, not yours. Ask gentle questions if something is unclear.

Create perspective. Imagine yourself in her situation. Acknowledge the differences between your experiences and hers.

Recognize her emotions. Notice and validate what she’s feeling, even if you can’t personally relate.

Show understanding. Summarize what you’ve heard, express empathy, and offer the kind of support she is seeking.

Don’t:

Offer unasked-for advice. Telling someone with HG to “just go for a walk” may minimize the severity of their condition.

Minimize feelings. Saying, “Bottles were invented for a reason,” to a mother grieving her inability to nurse is hurtful.

Assume you know how she feels. A birth trauma sufferer may not feel “proud” because she managed without medication.

As women, we often assume our shared life stages give us a shared understanding. But true empathy requires more than similar experiences, it requires suspending judgment, listening without bias, and caring in a way that honors her reality, not our own history.

When we lead with genuine empathy rather than our personal lens, we offer something far more valuable than advice: We offer the safety, respect, and understanding every woman deserves.

Tsippy Kraus is a childbirth educator and birth trauma release practitioner. She also founded Birth Journeys Online, a pre-recorded online childbirth education course for Jewish couples.

Kids and Technology

Shona Kaisman–Schwartz

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hese three shifts in thinking have made the most significant difference to how the families I work with approach technology:

Treat screens like alcohol, not candy

We love comparing screens to sugar — something we limit but don’t lose sleep over. But that comparison is dangerous. Screens function more like alcohol: The younger the exposure and the heavier the use, the higher the risk of developing serious problems. And just like alcohol can cause neurological damage, screen addiction or abuse can damage kids spiritually, physically, educationally, socially, and psychologically. The stakes are actually that high.

Secondary harm is just as real as primary harm

Yes, inappropriate content, neurological impacts, and addictive behaviors are scary. But honestly? What haunts me more is simpler: all the living that doesn’t happen when screens are always within reach. Your kid grabs their (or your!) phone instead of wrestling with boredom until they figure something out on their own? They just missed an opportunity to build their problem-solving muscles. They choose a screen/video game over going outside? There goes an afternoon of movement, fresh air, or playing with kids in their own neighborhood. Every time they swipe instead of looking up, they’re missing out on reading faces, having awkward conversations, and learning to be comfortable in their own skin and with big feelings.

When in doubt, wait, wait, and wait some more

“What’s the right age for a phone?” Wait. “When should they have access to a tablet?” Wait longer. The prefrontal cortex — that decision-making, impulse-controlling part of the brain — doesn’t fully develop until around 21. Every month you delay is a gift to your child’s developing brain. So, yes, there’s value in holding the line at 14 even if you know they’ll have access by 16. Those two years matter more than you think.

While these three points don’t give you all the dos and don’ts of screens and technology, they’re powerful attitudes that can help shape smart parenting.

Shona Kaisman-Schwartz is an educational consultant.She is the author of How To Stop Caring What Others Think: For Real and the book, Always On: An Interactive Parents’ Guide to the (Dis)Connected Generation.

What’s Missing from Your Budget?

Rivky Rothenberg and Tsippi Gross

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ou might have your main categories down, like groceries, rent, tuition.

But what about the little things?

• Throwing toys into your cart at Target.
• Gifts for teachers.
• Birthday party supplies.
• Kiddush chocolate trays for neighbors.

They seem small, but they add up fast. And if you’re not budgeting for them, they’ll sneak up on you.

Take a few minutes to scan the past month or two. Are there regular expenses you’re not allocating for?

Build them in, even if it’s just a small monthly amount.

Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and Rivky Rothenberg is a CPA. Together they started Ashir, a nonprofit that provides financial training for communities and families.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 965)