Strategies for intentional living from experts who get it

Perpetual Planning

Hadassah Eventsur

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hira collapses in front of her computer after finally settling her kids for the night. She’s determined to book a rental for her family’s upcoming vacation. After some time she has multiple solid options, but before she knows it, it’s 1:30 a.m. and she hasn’t actually booked anything.

The next evening, she somehow finds herself in the same position; after another few hours perusing options, she still hasn’t booked anything.

Adina is excited to begin her decluttering project. She can almost picture the tantalizing image of mounds of accumulated objects floating out of her home with the remainder sorted neatly into pretty baskets and containers. Eager to get started on this epic journey, she begins to peruse department store aisles for the perfect organizational systems. She spends weeks sorting through options as piles of Amazon boxes cover her front porch. Once they arrive, though, she finds that the initial excitement of her project has worn off and the bins and baskets become an unwanted addition to the clutter in her home.

Many people with ADHD can spend endless hours in the “planning” stage of a task or project without actually seeing their goal to the finish line. There are several reasons why this can happen.

Shira is likely a victim of perfectionistic procrastination. People with this profile are perpetually getting ready but don’t take action, commonly because of fear of failure. They believe that if they don’t do it perfectly, it would be better not to act at all. One way to combat this mindset is to ask yourself, “What does it say about me as a person if I don’t do something perfectly?” Answering this question will clue you in to the source of the fear. Another question to ask is, “What will happen if I choose the second or third best option?” Making peace with not getting it 100 percent right can help accelerate the decision-making process.

Adina’s waning enthusiasm for her decluttering is also typical for people with ADHD; they tend to be highly motivated at the initial onset of a decluttering (or any) project, but tend to lose interest once the initial phase transitions to the decision-making stage. Now, flooded with containers but without a plan for what she wants to toss, keep, or donate, Adina doesn’t know how to utilize the containers and bins, leaving her in a state of analysis paralysis.

A way to combat perpetual planning when it comes to organizational systems is to avoid bulk ordering containers and baskets. Instead, start by analyzing your interactions with everyday objects and utilize readily available containers in your home to trial a variety of storage methods. Once you establish that a certain storage system is effective, you can “upgrade” to a more aesthetically pleasing version, one container at a time. For example, you can trial different shaped containers to store your pencils such as boxes and cups. Once you establish which system works best, you can be more intentional when ordering the appropriate container.

If you find yourself stuck in the “planning stage” of a project or task, try to analyze the source of the stagnation. Is it coming from a place of perfectionism, loss of interest, or overwhelm? Doing this will help you identify the block so you can begin to take action to achieve your goals.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS, OTR/L is an occupational therapist, certified life coach and founder of MindfullyYou, a program that supports frum women who struggle with Executive Functioning .

Bridging the Big and the Small

Shoshana Schwartz

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ome people can take little bumps in stride, but feel shaken by a real crisis. Others get flustered over small things, yet find their footing when something truly big happens.

With practice, the strength you already have in one area can help in the other. Ask yourself: When I managed that well, what made the difference?

It might be a belief, like “Hashem has a plan.” A mindset, such as I can choose my reaction. A resource, like a favorite perek of Tehillim. Or a technique, such as breaking things into manageable steps.

If you calmed yourself before surgery with slow, deep breathing, try that same tool when you’re stuck in traffic. Or if you can accept a toddler’s spilled juice without getting flustered, bring that acceptance to an unexpected medical bill. These carryovers work because your body remembers what brings peace. Practicing this kind of crossover builds steadiness in both big and small moments.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in overcoming compulsive behaviors, including emotional eating, codependency, and addiction. She’s the founder of The Satisfied Self.

Is Cleaning Help a Luxury?

Rivky Rothenberg and Tsippi Gross

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your budget is tight, is it a luxury to hire cleaning help?

It might feel like one, but that’s not always the case.

Consult with a rav. Many rabbanim will say that if it helps you be a more present, calmer, and more focused mother, it’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity.

We tend to frame household help as indulgent. But if your time and energy are maxed out, and the choice is between burning out or getting help for a few hours a week, you’re not being spoiled, you’re being responsible.

You don’t need to do it all to be a good mother. Sometimes the holiest move is outsourcing the floor mopping so you can show up with a full heart at bedtime.

Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and Rivky Rothenberg is a CPA. Together they started Ashir, a nonprofit that provides financial training for communities and families.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 964)