“I am among those crushed by the burden of financial instability, while close family members live in luxury”

Timely Reminder [Guestlines / Issue 1078]

I always look forward to Rabbi Kerzner’s articles; they bring rare clarity and nuance to a world that often lacks both. In his latest piece he briefly touched on an important point: Even when parts of the frum community appreciate a particular politician, our role models must remain our gedolim, who not only advance what is right but also teach middos tovos and derech eretz by the way they live.

Public figures, whether President Trump, or any other celebrity or politician — even Charlie Kirk — may at times champion causes we support, and we can acknowledge that. But they are not Torah role models, even if one hears stories of a symbolic Shabbos observance (like in the case of Mr. Kirk). Supporting a politician does not make him our hero. Our heroes are the talmidei chachamim who embody Torah values.

Thank you, Rabbi Kerzner, for another home run and a timely reminder about whom we choose to emulate.

Yaakov Stein

Open Season? [Inbox / Issue 1078]

Where does it say that we need to be dan l’chaf zechus everyone... except if they are wealthy?

Did I read the letters these past weeks accurately?

A wealthy individual was employing his brother-in-law, paying him a full salary, at market rate, plus benefits — and he is being faulted for not doing enough? Is the reader who wrote in on the board of his company? Does he know the quality of the guy’s work — or the impact one person’s higher salary will have on the rest of the company? Does he know what else the benefactor is paying for, whether the sibling realizes it or not?

Does he know the shalom bayis implications of the rich guy’s generosity? Is he privy to the questions the rich guy asks his rabbi — or the conversations with his therapist? Does he even know that maybe the wealthy man’s brother-in-law never told him the dishwasher is broken? Does he know that maybe the sibling doesn’t want any more help — or maybe he squanders every additional penny given to him.

Family dynamics are incredibly complex and nuanced. Haven’t we seen this time and again on the Double Takes of these pages?

I ask you this: Does it make sense that an incredibly generous person would stand by while their sibling suffers? Absolutely not. So there’s gotta be more to it than you, a bystander, can see.

Hashem gave this guy money because He trusts him to do what needs to be done. It’s his nisayon, not yours.

If you continue to judge him — or anyone — that’s on you.

Name Withheld

Speaking from Pain [Inbox / Issue 1078]

The recent discussion on these pages about the gap in our community between those living in luxury and those struggling financially has been emotionally overwhelming for me. I am among those crushed by the burden of financial instability, while close family members live in luxury. I work two jobs, my wife also works, and still, we are drowning in debt.

And yet, my own struggles are not the worst I’ve seen. A close friend recently confided in me about his matzav, and it was heartbreaking: a tiny house, not enough beds for the children, some forced to sleep in corners of the home. A wealthy relative checks in, asks how he is doing, and my friend answers, “Baruch Hashem, okay.” What else can he say? But the reality is clear. The house is bare, and the need is desperate.

Hearing such stories is painful. It reminds me that I’m not alone — yet it also highlights how widespread and deep the suffering truly is.

Still, I must acknowledge — and remind myself — that we, too, have our avodah. We cannot fail our nisayon by judging others. We must be dan l’kaf zechus, and we must cultivate hakaras hatov even for small gestures of help, even when they come in ways that feel humbling or embarrassing. This is our role, and I must strive to accept it with simchah.

But for those blessed with means, if you can travel to Eretz Yisrael for Yarchei Kallah, spend over $100 on Siyum HaShas tickets, or fly overseas to kivrei tzaddikim in Poland or Ukraine — while your own relatives are living under crushing debt — then something is very off. To celebrate publicly while family members quietly suffer is not only a missed opportunity for tzedakah, it’s just unfortunate.

I say this not from anger, but from pain. Yes, we appreciate the assistance that is given. But Hashem hears the cries of the downtrodden. And especially in Elul, when we all seek zechuyos for our families, let no one forget: Your greatest zechus may not be in public religious displays, but in ensuring that your own relatives are not left behind in shame and silence.

May Hashem protect you from any kitrug. For truthfully, I cannot know what tests and challenges lie on “the other side,” and it’s not for me to judge.

Name Withheld

Be Quality People [Inbox / Issue 1078]

Reading the inbox letter defending the higher standards of uniforms by explaining that they’re significantly higher quality, I found myself wondering if this isn’t the new yetzer hara plaguing our communities.

Three decades ago, our out-of-town school chose to require uniforms in an effort to level the playing field between those who had means and those whose means were more limited.  The decision was motivated by a sincere desire for the students not to be judged by their affluence.

But our yetzer hara is a force to be reckoned with. There were book bags, shoes, jewelry, and accessories to be purchased, and  now the elusive call for “quality.” Uniform purchases have to be “an experience,” complete with bling and packaging and the ability to make others feel left out.  Once again, it’s us versus them. Score one for the yetzer hara.  We have yet another chinuch challenge to grapple with.

Think about it... you’ll purchase “quality,” yet next year, your child will whine that the stitching on the button hole is “so last year.”  Your next child won’t fit into the quality uniform the same way as her older sister, so you’ll be back at the boutique (can’t treat this daughter differently than the first).  Your sister’s daughter won’t want your hand-me-downs because that’s “so nerdy.”

The sweater you purchased for yourself, justifying the price because of its high quality, isn’t this year’s look and it has now been packaged to donate to the gemach.  All you have left from these finds is the experience you had last year while being fitted for these quality goods, and a desire to fit in once again and go back to the exclusive stores to recapture the same experience this year.  Can you afford this?

Think about school year purchases as opportunities to educate your children. Think of middos development. School uniforms aren’t worth the stretched budget.  How about a quality outfit l’kavod Shabbos?  Bring back classic styles that can be worn and passed down to cousins and siblings (we all own that classic black skirt that has served us for many years).  Teach your children (especially those seeking a kollel/chinuch lifestyle) which items are worth the investment.  Ask yourself how influenced you are by chitzoniyus and what lessons you’re teaching your children.

It’s time to turn back the clock and stand up to our yetzer hara, with refined (and not overpriced) dignity.  Aim to be a quality person with Torah-inspired priorities. This should be the adornment we all seek.

Anonymous

Not That Bad [Inbox / Issue 1078]

I had to laugh when I saw the response to the Double Take from the founder of the real-life “Plaid & Pleats.” Personally, I don’t know any real-life boutiques like the one described in the story, but yes, there are bargain-basement stores and there are other kinds. For some girls this second kind of store is important, despite the higher prices, and yes, the skirts do last forever and are being passed down from sister to sister.

And for those who don’t want to pay the higher prices, go to the basement stores. Yes, it can be annoying, but you can’t really expect someone who does 90 percent of her business in August to have a real storefront. Think of it like Yom Tov shopping; it’s just a part of life that has to be dealt with.

Wishing all businesses much success and thank you Uniform Plus for creating beautiful quality uniforms.

Name Withheld

The Source [The Moment / Issue 1078]

Thank you for the beautiful article in The Moment written by Yosef Herz and Shmuel Botnick that featured the time I showed Rav Yeruchem Olshin a chiddush about why we don’t make a Shehecheyanu on a new smell.  I got many messages from people who wanted to see it inside. It’s in Brachos; the Divrei Chamudos, which is a pirush on the Rosh. It’s in the sixth perek, os 120.

Moshe Katz

The Price of Hosting [All Roads Lead to KJ / Issue 1063]

I know this article ran a long time ago, but I’ve been thinking a lot about something that seems to echo the same concept: Hosts who are happy to have company but would like a little more awareness from their guests.

As a young kollel couple living in Yerushalayim, we’re choosing to live a lifestyle surrounded by Torah — a lifestyle with fewer distractions, fewer luxuries, and hopefully, more kedushah. This comes along with an element of sacrifice for the many of us who live without a parent’s credit card at our disposal. We budget carefully, juggle erratic work hours, and make it work. We do this with joy and purpose — we’re not here for the comforts of life, and we never expected ease.

Come Shabbos and Yom Tov, the calls start coming in. Seminary girls, bochurim, relatives, and friends reach out, all in search of a welcoming meal. We’re happy to hear from them; these meals are beautiful, with a full table, singing, and conversation. We look forward to hosting them and giving what we have to offer.

And yet… there’s a quiet internal tug.

Because hosting — even for one meal — is expensive. Think chicken and meat for a table full of hungry guests, side dishes, dips, drinks, and paper goods (because no, our tiny kitchen doesn’t have a dishwasher). These aren’t luxuries — they’re the basics.

Our guests arrive bearing candy platters, chocolates, fancy honeys, or a bottle of wine. It’s sweet, it’s thoughtful, and we really appreciate the gesture. But what we actually need isn’t another boutique honey — it’s help putting all this food on the table.

If only people would understand the amount of work and expense that goes into the beautiful meal they attend. A simple gift card to a local makolet, supermarkets like Osher Ad or Shaarei Revacha, a butcher, or even a wine store would go so far. It’s not glamorous, but it’s real. It would allow us to continue hosting with open arms and full hearts — without the knot of worry that comes along with it.

Please don’t misunderstand us. We love hosting. We want to host. We are so grateful to be zocheh to live here and to give others a taste of that. But we’re asking — gently, sincerely — for a little more awareness. A little more practicality. A little more understanding of what it really takes to make this life work behind the scenes.

With wishes for a year of brachah for all,

A Grateful, Realistic Kollel Wife in Jerusalem

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1080)