Every Jewish child, even the greatest menace, is inherently holy and good

“If a man has a rebellious son…his father and mother shall…bring him to the elders…Then all the men…shall stone him to death…”(Devarim 21:18–21)

What Jewish parents would bring their son to court to file a death penalty? For stealing food? He’s only 13! Did his offenses really merit capital punishment?

Rashi says he’s not being punished for his current sins. Given his outrageous behavior, the Torah testifies that these patterns of behavior demonstrate he’s doomed to a life of inevitable evil, so we kill him before he destroys his own soul. But what about teshuvah?

True, the Gemara (Sanhedrin 71a) says this story never happened and never will. But what lesson then should we learn from this? (Rabbi YY Jacobson, TheYeshiva.net)

I

know Chevie* from way back, and we try to meet at a local coffee shop whenever I get back to the States. Three years ago, I visited Chevie at her house for the first time. We played catch-up and enjoyed like only old friends can. Upon leaving, she walked me to the front door, and I noticed her “nachas wall.”

The Talmud says (Sanhedrin 88b) that if the parents of this wayward son forgive him, he’s not punished.

This is even more confusing. We’re not killing the boy based on his parents’ displeasure, but on his future. So how does it help if the parents forgive him?

The Sheim MiShmuel answers with a lesson that’s most crucial for our times when parents and educators may deal with difficult or challenging children. Every Jewish child, even the greatest menace, is inherently holy and good. Each carries the genes of the Avos, a Jewish neshamah eternally connected to the Divine.

To uphold that connection, parents must keep the bond with their children strong. If we sever our relationship with our children, even with good reason, we deprive them of that bond in the unbreakable chain from the Avos until now.

Glancing at the photos, I realized that Chevie had some challenges she hadn’t mentioned. Along the long hallway was a gallery of studio photos of all her children. And a picture of child number four featured him sporting an earring in one year, sans kippah, with a tattoo of barbed wire around his neck.

I didn’t comment to Chevie. There was no need. But when leaving, I gave her an extra strong hug, secretly davening that she should see a good ending to this portrait of life.

Says the Sheim MiShmuel: When a son feels the love inherent in his parents’ willingness to forgive him, that connects him to his roots and he now has a starting point from where to return. If the parents don’t forgive their child, there’s no way he can forgive himself and start again. His parents are ensuring that he continues along his destructive ways.

Therefore, the Torah is telling us, you must always see the infinite light hidden in your children — that light you saw when he emerged from your womb, innocent and angelic. Yes, perhaps now he’s disappointed or betrayed you. But in order for him to find the wherewithal to help himself, he needs his parents to show him he’s not hopeless. 

As I put my key in my car, I realized that somehow I felt confident that Chevie’s story would be a happily-ever-after. Chevie had each of her kids hanging on her wall. She could’ve passed on that nachas wall, and put a work of art there instead. Perhaps someone else would’ve hung pictures of the other kids and left Mr. #4 out.

Not Chevie. Yes, #4 was proudly displayed despite the public acknowledgement that he was having a difficult time. The fact that he was up there, on her wall with pride, made me sure this story would end happily.

Spoiler alert: It did. Reb #4 is now married to a frum girl, and they have a delicious baby. No, I’m not going to get clichéd and say he’s now a rosh yeshivah in Lakewood, but he’s a frum solid guy who’s a great father and husband.

I bow in respect for those Chevies out there who love and embrace all their children regardless of their path. If a mother can smile whenever, at whatever, then she’ll also smile happily ever.  Ff

*Shared with permission; identifying details changed.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 959)