“And finally... Mrs. Friedman’s Savta story. You Get It”

You Get It [Screenshot / Issue 1074]

As chareidi American parents of both learning boys and a chayal, we feel we’re in perpetual limbo — pulled between two radically different groups, each with strong ideals and good intentions, who not only radically disagree but cannot comprehend each other’s mindset, nor step for even a moment into each other’s world.

And finally... Mrs. Friedman’s Savta story.

You Get It.

No solution is in sight for an ever-widening chasm. But acknowledgment and validation are a first step.

Name Withheld

The Gap Is Real [Open Mic / Issue 1074]

I was very impressed with Rabbi Rosenblatt’s initiative encouraging people of means to give a percentage to Torah whenever they invest in a luxury item.

There are so many in our community living week to week, while others are building larger and more extravagant homes. The gap is real, and that’s the way Hashem designed the world. This idea feels both beautiful and grounding: Let those who can afford luxuries channel some of their extras toward bnei Torah.

Might I add: Not every ben Torah has the opportunity to sit in kollel. Many Torah families, where the father is a rebbi or has gone out to work for parnassah reasons, would very much benefit from this initiative as well. It would be wonderful if there were a way for the contributions to reach such appreciative families, too, not just kollelim or mosdos.

Name Withheld

Tzedakah as a Write-Off [Open Mic / Issue 1074]

I was quite bothered by the suggestion offered by Dovid Aryeh Rosenblatt. The idea that people should donate a percentage of “above and beyond” purchases toward Torah raises a basic question: Why?

Was the purchase morally acceptable or not? If it was, then why the luxury tax? And if it wasn’t, does this donation now serve as a confessional fee?

My concern is that our community has become desensitized to opulence. Extravagant vacations, luxury vehicles, massive home renovations — these are now seen as perfectly acceptable, as long as the person “can afford it.” And now, if guilt creeps in, just pay the “guilt fee,” and all is forgiven.

This is not a healthy cultural shift. The normalization of gvir culture — where wealth is not only admired but aspired to — is a growing issue, especially among our youth. Ideas like this only reinforce that mindset. If you believe a $10K camp is right for your child, go ahead and send him. If it’s beyond your values or means, then don’t. But don’t convince yourself that writing a tzedakah check makes the indulgence kosher.

Ben Jachnes

Brooklyn, NY

Potential Pitfall [Open Mic / Issue 1074]

I want to thank Mishpacha magazine for being a forum where issues that affect Klal Yisrael can be discussed by readers. I especially took interest in the recent Open Mic piece where Dovid Aryeh Rosenblatt wrote about his initiative to encourage wealthy balabatim to give “maaser” of what they spend on luxury expenses to support yeshivos. This sounds like a very well-intended and potentially very helpful program. However, I believe there is a major pitfall that has been left unaddressed.

While it’s admirable to increase sensitivity and monetary contributions to bnei Torah while enjoying the brachah of ashirus, could this initiative ultimately exacerbate the problem of over-the-top gashmiyus in our communities by “giving a hechsher” for lavish spending because “I’m giving extra tzedakah”?

The Torah tells us “Vayishman Yeshurun vayivat” — because Klal Yisrael indulged in excess, they rebelled against Hashem. The idea that “hundreds of millions in annual discretionary spending” happens in Lakewood should shock us.

The Chovos Halevavos tells us that gashmiyus is the antithesis to ruchniyus — i.e., they are mutually exclusive. A program intended to alleviate guilt, as the introductory line implies (“Just did it… I’ll sleep better tonight,”) will only lead to increased luxury spending, assuming people are even honest with themselves as to whether a given expense is a luxury or necessity. It will become a mitzvah to make even more lavish events and plan exotic vacations.

When my rosh yeshivah was asked about giving a dollar to tzedakah for coming late to Shacharis, he said that it will turn the latecomer into a big baal tzedakah! How much more does this apply to indulgences that are not delineated by halachah. A wealthy person would provide a much greater service to the klal and to himself by lowering the bar, forgoing the extravagance, making a standard simchah, or driving a Toyota, even if he doesn’t make the extra donation.

While pushes to limit gashmiyus are often ineffective, this may be a push in the opposite direction. I understand the author means well, but caution should be exercised before initiating such a movement that potentially can do more harm than good.

Asher Steinberg

Queens, NY

Lasting Inspiration [Endnote / Issue 1074]

I very much enjoy reading the StanDING Ovation articles by Dovid Nachman Golding; I have no choice, he’s my brother.

But this past week’s four-page spread on camp color war songs was, literally and figuratively, off the charts. The photos brought back such unreal memories.

There was an implicit message in those pages, and I wish to make it explicit: The spiritual impact that camp has had on the past several generations cannot be overstated. So many of our leaders over the past 50-plus years received their “training” in camp. The names are too numerous to mention, but how many rebbeim, askanim, Agudah leaders, roshei yeshivah, kiruv leaders, etc., were mere teenagers when they started their “careers” in camp.

The children who gleaned chizuk from these leaders owe an unpayable debt of gratitude to their camp administrators, owners, and senior camp counselors.

I, certainly, was one of those youngsters who was inspired through my ten summers spent in Camp Kol-Ree-Nah.

Rabbi Yosef C. Golding

Fact-Check [Endnote / Issue 1074]

As camp veterans, we really enjoyed your article on the color wars of various camps. I would like to make a minor correction and add a few memories.

Camp Agudah Toronto opened in 1969 (not 1965 as mentioned in the article). The camp directors were Rabbi Shneur Weinberg and Mr. Louis Frankin. The head counselor was Rabbi Moshe Rosenberg, and the learning director was Rav Mendel David (younger brother of Rav Yonasan and Rav Hillel). I was the counselor of the oldest bunk. Some of the other counselors were Shloime Bluming, Avrohom Ben Shushan, Avigdor Bokow, Shloime Rosenblum, Shloime Dewick, Eli Bursztyn, Moishe Weinberg, and Yossi Rosenberg.

Since the boys’ trip was a month long, color war had to take place during the Nine Days. Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky, who was visiting Toronto at the time, was asked whether it was permitted and he allowed it. So we had a short two-day color war. The teams were Bnei Chashmonaim and Am Mordechai. (I wrote the songs for Am Mordechai.)

And let’s not forget the multitude of mosquitoes.

If any staff or campers read this, I hope they enjoy the memories.

Shloime Perlman

Royal Crown [Fashion Police / Pendulum]

Rabbi Yosef Housman’s feature article in your Pendulum supplement about the history of the shtreimel and why the litvishe world abandoned it for the fedora reminded me of a visit my wife and I made to Russia under the auspices of Miriam Schreiber’s Legacy Kosher Tours in 2016.

Our group visited the Kremlin in Moscow. Under heavy guard, we were admitted into the Kremlin Museum where we saw the vast jewels that the czars once possessed. We saw various royal chariots and we even saw royal sleds, decorated with gold plating and precious stones, that the czars traveled in during the snowy winter seasons that were common in Russia.

One of the highlights was viewing the royal crowns that the czars wore. They were truly magnificent, reminiscent of their awesome imagery when the czars reigned strong.

The one crown that really impressed us was the crown placed atop a fur hat, recalling the fur hats that Rabbi Housman mentions worn by the Russian nobility.

Indeed, the spodiks worn by Polish rebbes and chassidim on Shabbos are poignant reminders of the nobility that Shabbos personifies and the respect and affection we should bestow upon it.

Mendy Pollak

New York, NY

Health Is Individual [Outlook / Issue 1069]

Over the past 15 years, I’ve been on a mission to figure out how to best nurture my physical wellbeing. I once asked a rav how to properly engage in a healthy lifestyle, from a Toradig mindset. Unfortunately, even after probing, I didn’t receive a satisfactory answer. Over time, I educated myself about nutrition and healthy living, but often questioned if this pursuit conflicted with bitachon.

After reading Yonoson Rosenblum’s recent piece on health, I finally feel much more comfortable in the “why” behind my pursuit of healthy living. Thank you!

As a podcast enthusiast, I’ve learned there are key bottom lines (avoid ultra-processed foods, stay active even if that means daily walks), but (surprise!), there really isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. In fact, certain diets (for example, Mediterranean) might work for some, but not others. Why? Research often can’t account for all variables, including the significant ones like gender or genetics. Some people can’t consume American processed wheat, while others can. Some can’t consume lactose, while others can. Some really need seven to eight hours of sleep each night, while others are fine on five to six. Bottom line: Each person has to figure out what works for them, what makes them feel good and energized (and perhaps even lose weight). We all have to go on a mission to discover how to best feed, nurture, and treat ourselves.

It’s time we bring health and nutrition into the heart of our culture and conversations. (Shout out to Rivky Silver for her recent great article about healthy eating in Family First).

Sara

Baltimore, Maryland

Palliative Care Has Its Place [Perspectives / Issue 1068]

Dr. Daniel Berman raised important and concerning points in his recent column, “In Today’s ICU, Fewer Boxes of Chocolates,” sharing alarming anecdotes from his personal experience. However, our experiences, and those of many with whom we shared his column, do not align with his portrayal. In particular, we have found palliative care, one of the specialties Dr. Berman expressed concern about, to be among the strongest allies of the Orthodox Jewish community.

At the heart of palliative care practice are two key principles. First, a recognition that every patient brings a unique set of values, goals, and lived experiences that shape who they are and what constitutes meaning or suffering for them. It is fundamental to palliative care that the true arbiters of suffering are the patients themselves. This philosophy underpins the use of “The Platinum Rule” in person-centered care, urging clinicians to “do unto patients as the patients would want done unto themselves.” In this spirit, palliative care clinicians aim to serve as conduits between patients and healthcare teams, helping to elicit and honor what matters most to each individual so that care decisions align with their values and preferences.

Despite Dr. Berman’s reported experience, it is not the role of palliative care specialists to determine the meaning or value of a patient’s life, to push hospice, or to impose limitations on potentially life-sustaining interventions such as CPR. Rather, their role is to facilitate and support fully informed decision-making grounded in the patient’s own perspective and values.

The second key principle guiding palliative care is a commitment to transparent and collaborative communication, especially regarding prognosis. palliative care practitioners do not deliver prognostic information in isolation. On the contrary, they are trained to work collaboratively, ensuring such information is provided in concert with the key clinicians involved in the patient’s care. This collaborative approach reflects the understanding that meaningful communication about prognosis is a shared responsibility, one that must be handled with clarity, honesty, and deep respect for the patient’s need to know and prepare.

When a patient’s likelihood of survival appears limited, palliative care is particularly well-suited to support Observant Jewish patients and their families. Unlike hospice, which focuses on comfort and symptom management at the end of life, palliative care can assist with comprehensive support, including nutrition, hydration, ventilator support, and advanced pain and symptom management. Sadly, there are times when patients enter the dying phase despite these efforts. At that point, when other medical specialists have no further treatments to offer, palliative care specialists remain closely involved with the patient and family, providing essential emotional, spiritual, and physical support.

This involvement might contribute to the misconception that their focus is exclusively on dying patients. Yet, guided by Jewish law as clearly articulated by Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, and other prominent gedolim, the Torah mandates that everything possible must be done to prolong life, and that we not unnecessarily prolong suffering or the dying process (Igros Moshe, CM 2:73[1]; Minchas Shlomo 1:91). palliative care is uniquely positioned to support both of these sacred responsibilities.

Dr. Berman astutely highlighted potential harms when healthcare specialists fail to uphold their professional commitments. However, we hope his observations do not inadvertently create mistrust between the Orthodox community and healthcare providers.  We believe it is critical to work together toward strengthening these communal and professional bonds through greater understanding, and in so doing we will all experience more meaningful interactions grounded in appreciating religious beliefs, medical excellence, and shared respect.

Jessica Besbris, MD

Azadeh Dashti, MD

Bradley T. Rosen, MD MBA FACP SFHM

Rabbi Jason Weiner

Senior Rabbi; Executive Director of Spiritual Care
Cedars-Sinai Medical Center

Power of a Blessing [Everyone’s Nightmare / Issue 1037]

My letter is about an article from several months back (November 2024) but that is exactly why I felt I have to write this letter. I read this article recently and was flabbergasted.

The article was about family members of hostages who, shelo neida, came to Rav Dov Landau to ask for brachos and guidance. These family members were: the father of Omer Shem Tov; the brother of Eli Sharabi; the brother of Uriel Baruch (Hashem yikom damo, he was abducted and murdered in captivity); the uncle of Idan Alexander; and the son-in-law of Keith Siegel.

While reading the article the names were so familiar; after Shabbos I looked them up one by one.

All these (living) hostages were released!

To see the clear fulfillment of the brachos of Rav Dov Landau is just wow.

May we continue to see clear nissim and may Hashem have rachamim on all the hostages, release them soon, and bring Mashiach today.

Ella Firbank,

Ramat Beit Shemesh

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1075)