“Coming as I do from the chassidishe oilem, I wonder why the yeshivish crowd can’t take anything from our playbook”

Let’s Lie Low [Inbox / Issue 1061]

I’d like to respond to Rivka Goldstein, who felt my letter objecting to the battle in Linden is because I have a problem with chassidim. I mentioned no such thing. In fact, I’m a nurse in a doctor’s office with mostly chassidish patients, and I love them — yes, love them — with my heart and soul. I think about them all the time, I daven for their children, and I’ve become good friends with many of them (and I am litvish through and through).

Second, I should clarify that my main concern was about the mass attendance in city hall on Chol Hamoed. In my mind, that just created a scene and not a good one. I should also clarify that I absolutely do not take for granted the rights we have as Americans that allow us to practice our religion freely. These rights are a huge brachah. But as I mentioned in my first letter, we are Yidden first, and we have a responsibility to act and live al kiddush Hashem. Pursuing litigation (as they did in Jackson, Toms River, and Clifton) is a lot less attention-grabbing then storming city hall, even if yes, technically, we have every right to be there.

I feel very strongly that as Jews, we need to lie low. Very low. We can and should advocate for our safety and dignity, but quietly, without cameras and hullabaloo.

I feel the same way about attending counterprotests to try to “out-scream” pro-Hamas protesters. I don’t see what it accomplishes besides making us look bad. What we need right now is tefillah and to strengthen our mitzvah observance, not to put ourselves in the public eye and invite more trouble.

Just my opinion.

L.W.

The Chassidim Are on to Something [Inbox / Issue 1061]

Reading about the shidduch crisis for so long, my heart goes out to all the girls (and boys!) having difficulty in finding their zivugim. While I keep reading about the efforts being made to address it, I believe there are other major areas that need to be addressed that may alleviate the issue considerably.

Coming as I do from the chassidishe oilem, I wonder why the yeshivish crowd can’t take anything from our playbook. I’m not suggesting that putting on a gartel and learning Noam Elimelech will resolve the issue, but there are certain practices that could be adopted without endangering one’s yeshivish hashkofos.

My first suggestion is to limit the number of times prospective couples meet before coming to a decision. If a boy and girl expect to meet six or seven times before getting engaged, the first few meetings cannot be very productive, and just cloud the issue of whether the couple is truly compatible.

But if young men and women were to know that they only have a maximum of, say, three meetings, they will face those meetings with greater focus on important issues.

Please don’t argue that three meetings are not necessarily enough. In the chassidishe world they almost always are, and it may surprise you to know that young chassidishe men and women also want a happy and satisfying marriage. Furthermore, I’ll let you into a little secret: Your ancestors, not that many generations ago, usually met their bashert at the badeken… and you, their descendants, are all here thriving today!

Another change which I believe could make a big difference is that young men and women should be meeting in homes, and not in public places like a hotel lobby or airport. What’s wrong with having one or more serious sessions at a dining-room table, where impressions are more likely to be real?

Now I know these suggestions won’t solve the age-gap issue, and the problem of there being more eligible girls than boys. (That could be solved by having the boys marry much younger, even at times younger than the girls. But I’m not naive enough to think that the yeshivishe world is going to easily agree to that.) It will, however, alleviate a lot of the agmas nefesh young men and women experience having to meet so many times in atmospheres that are so unhealthy and unhelpful in determining whether the man or woman sitting opposite is a suitable life partner.

Hoping that all young men and women find their true life partners with as little hassle as possible.

Name Withheld

It Can Be Done [Inbox / Issue 1061]

The recent Inbox letter titled “Sack the Support” finally propelled me to write about something I’ve wanted to share for a while. I’m a young wife and mother, married three years, and working as a teacher while my husband learns in kollel. And we do not receive support. We are supported by Hashem, primarily through my paychecks and partly from my husband’s kollel stipend. Our parents support us emotionally and are proud of our decisions, but are not in a place to offer support. They try to help out if needed, but we don’t rely on direct deposits from their accounts to pay our rent.

Guess what? It’s hard but possible to live a meaningful, fulfilling, comfortable kollel lifestyle without parents making mind-boggling pledges to support their children while they embark on their adult lives. Yes, it’s beautiful that parents are willing to sacrifice for Torah, but if the couple truly wants it, they can and should first try to do all possible hishtadlus to see if they can make their dream a reality on their own.

When I began shidduchim at the ripe old age of 20 (no, I didn’t begin dating the minute I stepped off the plane), the first shadchan I spoke to laughed. She said, “Cute ideals, but unless your parents are willing to support, you’re dreaming.”

“My parents helped me build up savings,” I responded.

To which she answered: “Tell me how much?”

This is a real transcript of a conversation that caused me great anxiety, until I realized that the right one who shares my she’ifos will be willing to embark on the journey of ameilus b’Torah without expectations of fancy steaks and lattes on their parents’ tab.

Maybe I was dreaming, but with siyata d’Shmaya my dream has come true. I’m blessed to live in the beautiful, Torahdig community of Kew Garden Hills, which is filled with like-minded couples, many of whom are not receiving support. Sometimes it’s because the couple comes from a background where this isn’t done, and sometimes because the parents’ genuine commitment to harbatzas Torah doesn’t allow them to pledge thousands to all their married kids. Had I known that a place like this existed before marriage, I would not have believed it. Beautiful families building simple lives of their own founded in Torah, avodah, and solid hashkafos, with real belief in our power to become who we want to be. Sure, it’s not easy, but we are in it together.

A few years in, I can say that life is complicated. Unexpected situations come up, medical challenges arise, and life costs money. But as a couple, we learn to weather the storm together and work hard to figure out how to make it work. True values can be realized by giving of yourself to work toward them, which takes real inner work. When everything is handed to you on a silver platter, I wonder how the line is drawn between social pressures and one’s personal value system.

Name withheld

In His Hands [Outlook / Issue 1061]

Rabbi Rosenblum never fails to impress with his insights and analysis; this past week was no exception. There was, however, one observation that had me puzzled: his questioning of Steve Witkoff’s qualification for his post. True, his history as Trump’s golfing buddy and a real estate operator who had to be bailed out by a foreign country may not sound impressive, but which other diplomats would be better?

Besides, golf is not just a game, it’s an opportunity to take the measure of a man in an informal setting, and much business has been initiated on the green. And failure in real estate or any other pursuit is part of success. How many people have a failure-free résumé? Also, traditionally, the president needs to have people he knows and trusts in certain key positions. What were Harry Hopkins’s qualifications?

True, the negotiations with Iran are troubling. Perhaps we were too dependent on Trump, trusting that he would solve our problems. Now we know we can only rely on Hashem.

Rivka Frankel

Schools and Anxiety [TLC Talks / Issue 1061]

Our son also suffered from acute anxiety. After missing much of sixth grade due to school refusal, he fought like a lion in returning to school and excelling. He was blessed with a caring rebbi who connected with him at his level and brought out the best in him. But like the minority of schools described by Rabbi Schonfeld, our son’s school did not have a psychologist or social worker on staff, and while they had good intentions, they were ill-equipped to address his subtle emotional differences with understanding.

Why can’t he wear the same uniform pants as the other kids? Why can’t he sit through Rosh Chodesh davening like everyone else? The questions came, like a steady drumbeat, throughout seventh grade. Ultimately, behaviors which our son’s therapist and doctor explained were symptoms of his anxiety, and which we were working through together, were seen as “bad” behaviors that the administration worried would reflect poorly on the school and influence his classmates.

So I speak from experience that both Rabbis Garfield and Schonfeld are right in their responses to the worried parent struggling with a son in therapy for anxiety while attending a somewhat “old-school” yeshivah. Rabbi Garfield is right: We lasted as long as we did in our son’s school only because we approached every conversation with humility, commitment, and collaboration. But ultimately, when even that failed, we learned that Rabbi Schonfeld is also correct.

If the parents’ collaboration with the school doesn’t succeed in helping the administration understand and treat your son with the care, sensitivity, and the       dignity that he deserves, then that yeshivah is not the right one for your son.

Praying that your story has a happy ending.

Name Withheld

Stay Out of Danger [Streetwise in Syria / Issue 1061]

I’m concerned about the new trend among frum print media to send staff to dangerous places so that they can report live about conditions there. Even Chabad shluchim were harmed in Mumbai and Dubai, allegedly safe countries harboring shluchei mitzvah. If the TSA detained a reporter returning from Syria, maybe Syria isn’t an ideal place to be.

And if this is true for any traveler, it’s certainly true for frum Jews, who aren’t winning any world-popularity contests. And please let’s not think we’re safe wearing caps and tucking in tzitzis: We’re conspicuous everywhere in the world no matter the costume.

To merit safety and siyata d’Shmaya in the first place, it’s incumbent upon us to avoid putting ourselves into sakanah. The reading pleasure of subscribers is not worth getting a reporter killed, chas v’shalom. Even if a reporter “feels safe,” it is worth noting that people working in the World Trade Center “felt very safe” on the morning of September 11.

Ilana Orange

Socially Off [Dream Team / Double Take – Issue 1061]

As a woman, I don’t claim to have insight into chavrusa politics and what different people need in order to shteig in their learning. It could be that Akiva is right, it could be that Moishy is right. Probably they’re both partially right, but I wouldn’t venture an opinion.

But Moishy, I can say that you were wrong when you publicly sat down to learn with a rebbi without giving Akiva a formal heads-up that the chavrusashaft was over. Do you know why people like Akiva? Yes, it’s partly because of his fun vibe and sports prowess. But also it’s because he cares about people, he’s interested in them, he takes the time to include people. You can sit and read your science textbooks; that doesn’t make you a bad person. But dumping your first-seder chavrusa in public without advance warning is most definitely socially off.

Name Withheld

Take a Bow [Outlook / Issue 1060]

I’d like to applaud Mishpacha’s columnist, Yonoson Rosenblum, for taking his well-deserved bow.

It isn’t easy to go against the grain, to stand up for the well-being of the public, especially when yours is a lone voice in the crowd, going against leading “experts” who staunchly insist otherwise, purely for personal gain.

As a long time subscriber to both Mishpacha magazine and many medical journals, it comes as no surprise to me that not all is above board in the world of medical publishing. Every now and then I, when reading the small print most readers skip, find that the actual report does not jibe with the published summary most professionals read. An innocent mistake? Or a calculated distortion of the facts and figures?

The good news is that here and there someone like Yonosan Rosenblum will not only notice the discrepancies in medical reports, but will stand up and say something!

Thank you, Mishpacha, for letting us common folk enjoy his words of wisdom, week after week.

Esther Marilus

Time to Anchor Themselves [Screenshot / Issue 1060]

As a girl in her first year back from seminary, I found Shoshana Friedman’s article, “While We Wait,” extremely thought-provoking. She quoted a woman opposed to the shidduch gap year due to the idea that “every month that a young seminary graduate remains unmoored is risky.” Does this woman expect marriage to “moor” the young seminary graduate?

Shoshana Friedman says that “an enforced wait can reinforce negative patterns in young women who don’t have structure and support.” The year back from seminary is precisely the time for a girl to create that structure for herself. Life only gets busier, and if a young seminary graduate can gain the tools to grow and work on herself without “structure and support,” she will be that much better prepared for what life has to offer. I don’t view the first year back from seminary as a risky time, but as a beautiful opportunity for girls to “moor” themselves in Yiddishkeit.

Name Withheld

Let’s Link Together [Screenshot / Issue 1060]

Over the past few weeks, there has been ongoing discussion in your pages regarding the challenges girls face while waiting to start shidduchim, including the spiritual decline some experience during this stage of life. In Shoshana Friedman’s Screenshot titled “While We Wait,” she touched on something that I would like to share more about.

When I came home from seminary, I had huge expectations and big goals. I felt inspired, motivated, and ready to take on the next stage of life with strength and clarity. But once I actually settled back into “real life,” it hit me — this stage is a lot more complicated than I had imagined. I wanted to keep growing spiritually, emotionally, and personally, but I didn’t know where to turn. The structure and inspiration I had in seminary were suddenly gone, and the post-seminary transition left me feeling unsettled.

That’s when I discovered LinkUp Nook — and everything changed.

LinkUp Nook is a division of Penimi, the organization led by the visionary Mrs. Faigie Zelcer. The program’s curriculum was thoughtfully developed especially for post-seminary girls, with the goal of fostering meaningful growth during this transitional period. It centers around themes of self-growth and self-discovery, and is designed to be learned in a chaburah-style setting — with weekly learning sessions, friends of your choice, and a trained facilitator who guides the sessions.

I’m constantly looking forward to our weekly meetings. They’re a space for real connection, conversation, and reflection. Together, we delve into how we relate to others and to ourselves, building awareness, strength, and purpose as we prepare for the next stage of life.

To any girls navigating this in-between phase, I highly recommend looking into Penimi’s incredible post-seminary learning program. It has been a source of tremendous inspiration and growth for me and so many others. You can reach out to LinkUp Nook via Mishpacha for more information or to start your own group.

Ahuva R.

Not Just Bourbon [Taster’s Choice / Issue 1058]

I heard about your article on Kentucky’s New Riff distillery’s Pesach sale while on a fundraising trip in Chicago.

You struck a chord. Bourbon is on people’s minds, as evidenced by the Jews who come regularly for the Bourbon Trail. Now what people are beginning to discover is that there is a rapidly growing Jewish community in Bourbon County.

Louisville, Kentucky is home to two day schools, a mikveh, a six-mile eiruv, chalav Yisrael milk and cheese, and a kosher Krispy Kreme.

Nine families have moved into Louisville this past year, and several more are considering moves to Louisville this summer. Anyone who comes to check it out feels the energy and excitement in this town. If you are in the neighborhood, please feel free to reach out!

Rabbi Yoni Rudansky

Montessori Torah Academy

Succulent Treat [Calligraphy / Issue 1057]

I worked up until two days before the Seder, I hosted elderly parents for the week plus, and we had a new grandchild right before Yom Tov and cared for Newborn and Co. That explains why I read literally nothing over Yom Tov other than my machzor.

I carefully stashed away some reading material, and now with Pesach Sheini behind us, I’m just about done reading the Calligraphy supplement. I feel like I was gifted some expensive, exotic, pure milk-chocolate truffles and I savored every tiny bite. I blissfully read every page, letting each delicious word overtake me completely. So thank you for this stunning work of heart!

A Grateful (Busy) Reader

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1062)