“Simchah in avodas Hashem is not dependent on external circumstances”

Misguided Advice [Inbox / Issue 1047]

I’m really enjoying Ariella Schiller’s wonderful serial. It’s very real.

I’m writing regarding Ariella Lichtenstein’s letter last week. I’m not sure how old she is, but that might be key. Maybe in the previous generation, “mashgiach-ing” your husband helped him grow.

That isn’t the case today. The concerned reader who wrote the first letter asserting that a husband’s ruchniyus is not his wife’s business is 100 percent right.

I want to share something personal. I once asked Rabbi Moshe Wolfson ztz”l this question. He clearly told me that my husband’s ruchniyus was not my department. This was not what I had learned in high school.

I also feel that the example comparing a man’s not learning enough to eating in McDonald’s isn’t fair. The issues Mrs. Lichtenstein mention aren’t sins. We set the bar so high for our men. We’re in a generation that has so many expectations, which is unrealistic and pressurizing. Very often the growth we demand is not real and backfires.

Name Withheld

Your Simchah Is Within Reach [Guestlines / Issue 1047]

Thank you for sharing Rav Aryeh Kerzner’s article on joy in Yiddishkeit — such an uplifting and important topic! I’d like to add one more perspective that might resonate with many.

Sometimes, a person wants to feel the joy of Torah and mitzvos but finds it difficult to access that feeling naturally. What can he do in such a case? He can create joy externally, and let it spill over into his avodas Hashem.

We see this idea in Chazal. The neviim would listen to music before receiving nevuah as a way of lifting their spirits and connecting to a higher state of clarity. If music helped them access nevuah, it can certainly help us access simchah in our mitzvos! If you enjoy music, play a song from your favorite singer — it can energize you, put you in the right mindset, and uplift your avodas Hashem.

Even Rabbeinu Tam had his own method; he writes that when he was struggling to understand his learning, he would place a large pile of cash in front of him — not out of a desire for wealth, but because it uplifted his mood and allowed his heart to open to Torah.

The takeaway? Joy is something we can actively cultivate. If we find ways to bring happiness into our lives — even in small external ways —it can overflow into our Torah, mitzvos, and connection to Hashem.

Name Withheld

Finding Joy [Guestlines / Issue 1047]

I truly appreciated the way Rabbi Kerzner distinguished between happiness and joy. His insight highlights a crucial point: Even if a person faces difficulties in life and struggles to feel “happy,” he can still serve Hashem with joy. Why? Because simchah in avodas Hashem is not dependent on external circumstances — it’s inherently tied to the mitzvah itself, to the privilege of serving Hashem.

There is another striking reinforcement of this idea in Parshas Ki Savo. The Tochacha describes the tragic consequences that befall those who fail to serve Hashem “b’simchah”: “Because you did not serve Hashem, your G-d, with joy and a glad heart....” (Devarim 28:47). Once again, the Torah does not focus on happiness as an emotion per se but rather on the joy of fulfilling mitzvos — simchah shel mitzvah. The punishment is not for lacking happiness in life, but for failing to bring joy into avodas Hashem.

This distinction is incredibly empowering. While we may not always control the circumstances of our lives, we can control how we approach mitzvos. True joy is not about everything going perfectly — it’s about finding meaning, purpose, and connection to Hashem in what we do.

Name Withheld

Word from a Beneficiary [Forever Part of Us / Issue 1047]

Sarah Massry did such an excellent job describing the lifesaving and life-changing work that Nesivos continues to do. All I can say is wow.

As a beneficiary, I can attest to not only the heart and dedication that’s involved every step of the way, but the professionalism that is just as integral a part. I had no idea that Binyamin Greenspoon first began Nesivos, and only then decided to pursue a career in mental health — kol hakavod!

I was surprised that Moshe Tendler wasn’t mentioned in the article — I can attest firsthand that his quiet work behind the scenes is the oil that makes the wheels turn at Nesivos. Whether it’s arranging the much-needed parent support groups, the networking events, and of course the Nesivos Run, we are all aware and grateful for his rock-solid presence at Nesivos.

Thank you again for the well-written article.

Name Withheld

More on Itshak Holtz [Portraits of His People / Issue 1047]

The Itshak Holtz lithograph of two Jews in Williamsburg reading Der Yid graces the entrance to my home, a gift I received from Mr. Holtz over forty years ago after writing an article featuring him for the Jewish Press, published to coincide with an exhibit of his paintings.

My late father, Rabbi Tovia Preschel, had met him more than twenty years before I did, in the 1960s, and kept up the friendship. He published articles about him as well, and Mr. Holtz gave our family several of his lithographs over the years.

Soon after my father received the lithograph of Mr. Holtz’s famous chuppah scene, we were visited by Reb Menachem Wagschal, the publisher of Moznaim, who would often come to my parents’ home to discuss his future publications. I remember him pointing to the lithograph in delight. “This picture would be perfect on the cover of the new book I’m publishing,” he said.

My father put him in touch with Itshak Holtz, who happily gave his consent to feature his painting on the cover of his new book, Made in Heaven, A Jewish Wedding Guide, by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan.

The US Yated Ne’eman has a weekly column called My Take on the News, which always features a Holtz scene of a Jews reading a newspaper.

Still, despite the fact that Itshak Holtz was an outstanding artist, I do object to the writer’s description of him as the greatest living Jewish artist during his lifetime. Other great Jewish artists include Zvi Raphaeli, the Israeli impressionist artist who was also a rabbi; Elazar Kalman (E.K.) Tiefenbrun, a chassidic artist who painted portraits of famous rabbis; and of course, great Jewish artists also include Max Liebermann and Marc Chagall.

Pearl Herzog

Lakewood, NJ

Investment for Generations [Guestlines / Issue 1046]

I can certainly sympathize with Yeshaya Kraus’s narrative in his article called “Finding a Pathway to Hope.”

At one stage I was paying tuition for seven children in chinuch, and we were a one-income family....

The way I dealt with the pressure was reminding myself that every day, every month, every payment, marked progress. What we had paid for would never have to be repeated.

When my youngest son went off to yeshivah and we took on a huge sechar limud commitment (more than for any of his brothers) I told him that I was not only investing in him, but in his children.

I knew that if I could provide him with a good time in yeshivah and exposure to gedolim and rabbanim who have chosen to become klei kodesh b’mesirus nefesh, there was a fairly good chance he would pass these values on to his children — and that is progress, too!

S. Heimann

Change Is Inevitable [Out of Business / Double Take — Issue 1046]

I’d like to share some of my thoughts about the father who is disappointed that his son doesn’t want to take over the family business, choosing to pursue a more up-to-date, lucrative option instead.

Using guilt as a way to control another’s behavior never works. Instead of guilting your son into staying, why not encourage him and compliment him for building a new business?

He’s a grown man who is making a well-informed and intelligent decision, with his wife’s support.

Let it go.

You can’t stop progress. Change is uncomfortable, but sometimes necessary. Appreciate that you were able to provide your family with financial stability for many years. Perhaps using one of the pads you sell, write down all the brachos that Hashem has given you over the years, and the warning from your doctor that you need to focus on your health if you want to continue your life surrounded by the only thing that matters: your family.

R. Reisman

Necessary Passion [Out of Business / Double Take — Issue 1046]

I never cease to admire the way that Mrs. Samet presents each scenario in the Double Take column. When I feel that I identify with the first person, the argument put forward by the second seems just as convincing.

It seemed to me that Shimon’s certainty that his son would take over his business was unreasonable. The notion of working without connecting in a positive way to what one is doing will surely not produce the results necessary to ensure success. I venture to say that although Shimon does not accept that one needs to connect to his work in a passionate way, he may be forgetting the enjoyment and satisfaction that he experienced while bringing the business to such a level.

Yasher koyach to your special staff. It’s clear to me that you all have a tremendous passion for your work.

Eli Rothbard

Modiin Illit

Walk the Walk [Out of Sorts / Double Take — Issue 1042]

I’m responding, late, to the Double Take article regarding a student who was refused placement in the no-technology-in-the-home class, because while she herself was a good fit, her family wasn’t.

As an educator for close to 40 years, I have a front-row view of this common scenario and the solution seemed obvious to me.

When parents assert they will do anything they can to help their child, that “anything” shouldn’t be limited to advocating for their child. What they can do is change themselves. There are many legitimate difficulties in limiting technology in the home. But those are precisely the sacrifices the other parents are making to preserve the purity of their children. If a child is suffering and advocacy can’t help them, parents should focus on themselves, finding a way to change themselves to help their child.

Miriam Russi Perr

We Signed Up for It [Out of Sorts / Double Take — Issue 1042]

I have read and loved Mishpacha magazine for many years, and while I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to the editor before, this Double Take bothered me enough to write in.

A community that once had 20 girls per grade, which has increased to 40 girls, is describing an out-of-town community. And anyone who lives out of town understands that the children in each class are a wonderfully mixed crowd. We like it like that! This is what we signed up for!

In my out-of-town community our classes are a nice mix of kollel, Sephardi, Israeli, older, younger, less yeshivish and more yeshivish families. While I can’t say that I’ve never made a phone call to clarify what electronics might be present in a particular house, the idea of suggesting classes be split according to kollel or non-kollel is ridiculous. Every class is different and kollel families do not make up 50 percent of any out-of-town community that I know of. No one would want the classes to be split that way anyway, even the kollel families!

In the story, the principal says that if these families did not have their demands met they would start their own school. Ha! Who is funding the all-kollel school? The whole idea that we need to put families in a box and ignore the needs of the girl who got put in a class without her friends, all in the name of “chinuch,” is so repugnant to me. Parents need to be aware of where their children are and what they are doing, but having polite conversations with other families and your own children before allowing a playdate with someone a bit different from you seems like much better chinuch than segregation based on hashkafah!

A Very Happy Out-of-Towner

Linked [Perspectives / Issue 1042]

Thank you to Rav Moshe Bane for highlighting the need for women’s learning.

At a wedding recently, I noticed a group of women dancing joyously in the middle of the circle. Something about their closeness, the connection between them, the real joy, made me stop and stare. These weren’t relatives or neighbors, nor was it a group of friends, as far as I could tell. They were of different ages and seemed quite different from each other. When I asked someone who they were, she said, “Oh, that’s a LinkUp group.”

LinkUp is a learning program for women, directed and founded by Penimi’s Mrs. Faigie Zelcer. It’s unique in that it homes in on what women are looking for today: connection. Connection to real sources, Torah truths, foundational hashkafos, and connection to other women. LinkUp provides both the curriculum and the setting; it’s learned in small chaburos that get together regularly and work through the material. There are discussion points and practical angles, as well as profound insights from Ramchal, Maharal, Rav Tzaddok HaKohein, and more.

Thank you, Mrs. Zelcer, for giving women this double connection: to HaKadosh Baruch Hu and His Torah, and to each other, as sisters traveling the road together.

B.W.

Lawrence, NY

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1048)