“We live in a generation that hears any and all advice as blaming and triggering”

Formulas Aren’t Foolproof [Inbox / Issue 1045]

Reading the responses in this week’s inbox to Rav Kerzner’s article, one might think he had committed some kind of terrible crime with his words. However, when I went back to the article, lo and behold, the central quote in question was from the Steipler ztz”l, not Rav Kerzner!

But I think there is a more fundamental issue at play, as evidenced by the responses.

We live in a generation that hears any and all advice as blaming and triggering. Any prognostic statement (eat healthy to stay thin, maintain good shalom bayis to raise frum children, use a dating mentor to aid your shidduch success) immediately incurs horrified responses (“How can you say it’s my fault I’m X, Y, or Z?!”).

Well, it’s a good thing we have Torah hashkafah to put such advice in perspective! Investing effort in areas where it makes sense to is famously referred to as hishtadlus. No one actually believes (I hope) that our efforts produce surefire results. But neither does this fact absolve us of doing what Hashem has mandated.

We may spout the idea that we are meant to “do our best and Hashem does the rest” but do we actually believe this? When we hear “do this and that to help your children be healthy bnei Torah” and process it as “if your children are not, it’s your fault” or “if you didn’t follow the formula, that’s the reason your kids are the way they are,” it brings up the aforementioned question.

The ability to distinguish between my responsibility before the fact, and how I view the results after the fact, is the litmus test of true bitachon and an understanding of the role we play in this world.

This is clearly a larger discussion, and for anyone seeking clarity on these topics, I would suggest looking at seforim such as Chovos Halevavos, Shaar Habitachon; the Michtav Mei’Eliyahu on hishtadlus; the Chazon Ish’s Sefer Emunah U’bitachon; Madreigas Ha’adam by the Alter of Novardok; and Worldmask by Rabbi Akiva Tatz. It’s also helpful to speak to a knowledgeable mentor or rav who can give guidance in these important areas of Jewish machshavah.

But in short, as my husband reminds me, “Hishtadlus is about creating the right framework for success while knowing that the results are ultimately not in our hands.” I see no contradiction between this concept and what Rav Kerzner wrote.

Mindel Kassorla

Seeing the Gifts [Guestlines / Issue 1044]

I always enjoy what Rabbi Kerzner writes, and I appreciate the simplicity and honesty of his messages.

I was not going to write in about his recent chinuch article because I saw that other people wrote in and mentioned my points. However, this is another aspect I would like to add.

It is true that tefillah and shalom bayis are critical to raising children, and this is something that helps me tremendously in my life, and I am grateful for that. There is one more very important yesod, and one that my husband and I have learned through our own personal experience. Hashem is in charge. Trust Him. Hashem has a plan and sometimes that plan includes very painful experiences. This applies across the board for any nisayon — shidduchim, infertility, illness, parnassah, learning differences, you name it. It’s not just regarding raising children, struggling children and adults. It is something that keeps me afloat when things become overwhelming, or I look around and see what I wish for my family.

Raising our neshamah children has taught my husband and me to really focus on their inner essence and middos. It is a lonely existence sometimes, as their milestones and things they share with us are not the typical, normal things our frum world would smile about.

When my child buys our family gifts from foreign trips and shares those pictures with us, I cherish that relationship. Another child may dress a certain way, but will drop her schedule and life to help cook for Pesach with a smile. I am ever so grateful for that.

When another child does random chesed because that’s the right thing to do, my heart soars. Our children are here to help us grow and become better people, and we can learn from them, too! While I’m not at the point yet that I can say I am grateful for the challenging years, I am grateful for my beautiful children who have helped me tap into emunah and bitachon in a deep way, to focus on the neshamah and not the guf, and learn to see that they are gifts from Hashem, no matter what they look like or what they do.

Praying for everyone else to do the same in their life,

Yehudis

“A Simple Recipe” — Really? [Guestlines / Issue 1044]

Reading the recent chinuch article by Rabbi Kerzner made me wonder:

Did our Avos and Imahos also struggle with shalom bayis issues? Is that why Rivkah and Yitzchak had Eisav?

Rabbi Kerzner clearly has not had any experience or involvement with a family undergoing such a trying and painful challenge.

I would like to suggest that Rabbi Kerzner speak to some parents of children who are struggling, and ask them what their shalom bayis is like, and whether they have davened for their child. Or better still, meet the struggling children who are in so much pain. Who struggle to get out of bed and make it through the day. And listen to what they have to say about the source of their pain and struggle.

There is no recipe or prescription for talmidei chachamim. There are things we can all do to strengthen our connection to HaKadosh Baruch Hu and our children. But there is no slot machine, where we put in our penny and out comes what we ask for. So making sweeping statements that “raising good children depends on two factors,” namely, “shalom bayis and tefillah” is hurtful, insensitive, and damaging to parents who are doing their absolute best to try and help their struggling teens.

The story about an irreligious cleaning lady whose daughter was struggling, and became religious after her mother started to say birchos haTorah was “well meaning,” but again, simplistic and disheartening to all of us mothers and fathers. We cry out to Hashem from the depths of our hearts to bring our children back to Torah and mitzvos. (We did this without the reminder of Y. Weinberg in his letter about the Steipler’s “Hatful of Tears.”)

We daven at the Kosel, Kever Rochel, Chevron, and other mekomos kedoshim, beseeching HaKadosh Baruch Hu for our children to be emotionally healthy, and then to be yerei Shamayim.

What if Hashem has other plans and the answer is no? How can the author guarantee that:

“Not only does davening for our children’s spiritual growth work — it’s the most powerful weapon we have.” Surely if that were so, there would be no more struggling children, and no need for Kesher Nafshi. We would have no empty seats at the Shabbos table and no more parents with aching hearts. It’s insulting to us parents who are dealing with so much already.

Although the writer is “well-meaning,” he could have shown sensitivity and humility in his article. One thing is for sure, if he had a child “off the derech,” he wouldn’t have had the heart to write that article.

Name Withheld

Harmonious Home [Guestlines / Issue 1044]

After reading the responses to Rabbi Kerzner’s article in last week’s edition, I feel compelled to share my thoughts. While I never want to minimize anyone’s pain or experience, I must respectfully disagree with those who found his message difficult to absorb. As someone who grew up in a home lacking shalom bayis, I cannot overstate the profound pain and inner turmoil it causes for the children.

I deeply applaud Rabbi Kerzner for courageously addressing this critical issue — one that is often overlooked or avoided. The impact of a harmonious home on a child’s well-being cannot be overstated, and it is a topic that deserves more attention in our community.

If even one child is helped because parents were inspired by this article to improve their shalom bayis for the sake of their children, then Rabbi Kerzner’s words were worth it a million times over.

A Child from a Rough Home

Rabbi Kerzner Responds:

I’d like to take a moment to clarify the intent of my recent article. In quoting the Steipler Gaon’s statement — that shalom bayis and prayer are two foundational pillars in raising good children — there was no intention, chas v’shalom, to place blame on parents for the struggles their children may face. It was certainly not meant to suggest that the challenge of children struggling stems from a lack of harmony in the home or insufficient tefillah.

The heartache a parent feels when watching their child struggle is indescribably deep and profoundly personal. It is a pain that demands only the utmost sensitivity. If, in any way, the article touched a nerve and in some way added to someone’s pain, please accept my sincerest apologies. That was never the intention.

We must humbly recognize that the reasons behind a child’s struggles are often beyond human comprehension. There are countless factors, many unseen, that could play a role. Only Hashem, in His infinite wisdom, knows the true picture. The quote from the Steipler Gaon was not meant as a conclusive explanation — far from it.

Instead, the purpose of sharing his words was to offer parents encouragement and meaningful guidance. It was presented solely to underscore the significant role of shalom bayis and prayer — not as a definitive solution to all issues vis-à-vis our children. While many factors influence a child’s growth and development, the Steipler was teaching us that the two paramount focuses should be tefillah and shalom bayis. Does that mean that once these two elements are observed we are guaranteed success with our children? Certainly not. The point is only that in doing our hishtadlus in being mechanech our children, these are the areas we should emphasize. What the end result will be is ultimately in His Hands.

To the parent whose child is struggling with Yiddishkeit, I would add one point. Even when the road seems long and the destination unclear, no tefillah goes unanswered, and no act of love — or effort in shalom bayis — is ever in vain. These two elements forever remain powerful weapons in our arsenal. Hashem cherishes every effort we make, and He walks alongside us and our child, guiding us in ways we may not see right now.

May Hashem grant every parent the wisdom, patience, and strength to guide their children with love and understanding. For those of us carrying the burden of pain, may we soon merit a yeshuah, and may all parents experience only nachas and brachah in abundance.

Personal Experience [Splitting a Stormy Sea / Issue 1045]

I would like to express my gratitude for the article “Splitting a Stormy Sea” featured in last week’s magazine. As someone who has witnessed Kesher Networks’ exceptional work firsthand, I was thrilled to see them highlighted.

The kindness and care demonstrated by Kesher Networks in handling the shidduch process were truly outstanding. Their team, comprised of highly-trained and confidential shadchanim, approached every aspect of the process with remarkable professionalism and sensitivity.

It was a genuine pleasure to work with them, and I feel fortunate that they were able to assist my daughter in finding her bashert. I encourage anyone in need of their services to reach out and register.

Thank you once again for shining a spotlight on this important organization.

D.P.

Ed. note: Kesher Networks can be contacted via Mishpacha.

Misplaced Trust [Imperial Moment / Issue 1045]

I was shocked, disappointed, and flustered! I thought I was subscribed to a magazine that believes in Hashem. But then I saw the cover of Issue 1045, where a man of flesh and blood is turned into a Caesar-like figure that will save the world from all its problems. Do we not believe that lev melachim v’sarim b’yad Hashem? Yes, everything in the world happens because of Hashem. Yet here we have a magazine that is supposed to be the voice of the frum community, idolizing a man who has disgusting middos, who spent his whole life chasing kinah, taavah and kavod. The only Being Who decides everything good, and all that which looks to us as bad, is Hashem! Yes, we have to have hakaras hatov for all the good Trump has done for us. At the same time, we must daven to Hashem that this human being uses his bechirah correctly. It is time we stop portraying him as a lord, and put our faith back into the L-rd.

Rabbi Weisbrod

Wounded Soldiers [Of Life and Limb / Issue 1044]

I was heartened to see Gedaliah Guttentag’s wonderful story profiling the soldiers injured in Gaza and Lebanon. So often, these heroes go unnoticed, as thankfully their names and faces do not make the news like those killed, Rachmana litzlan. Most people have little concept of how long their rehab is, and how drastically their lives and the lives of their families are changed forever. I certainly wasn’t fully aware.

Eli Segal, mentioned in the article, was my madrich in yeshivah. Now a father of three, he is a talmid chacham and as sweet a person as they come. Chaim Treitel, from Bnei Brak, is a friend of my nephew’s, and has stated publicly he did not feel he needed to compromise on Torah or his chareidi values during his service.

We owe our continued safety and comfort in Eretz Yisrael to these unnoticed heroes. I, for one, am especially grateful for those who have blazed the path demonstrating that shemiras Torah u’mitzvos can go together with defending Klal Yisrael from our enemies.

Perhaps I could suggest appending to an article the names for tefillah. The names of Eli Segal and Chaim Treitel are Elchanan Yair ben Devora and Chaim Mordechai ben Sara Ita.

Chaim Goldberg,

Har Nof, Israel

Adult Hazard, Too [Outlook / Issue 1044]

Yonoson Rosenblum’s recent article entitled “Childhood Regained” discussed the recent movement curtailing iPhone use by children and adolescents in schools. As usual, his article was well researched, eloquently expressed, and right on the mark.

However, I think it’s very important to add that as frum Jews, our concerns about iPhone use and all of technology isn’t just limited to adolescents. For the past 25 years, gedolei Yisrael have been issuing passionate warnings about the destructive influences of technology and social media on the entire populace. While adults do have real parnassah needs that adolescents do not, there is still much room to curtail unnecessary usage among adults as well.

A number of years ago, Congregation Emunas Yisroel, under the leadership of the late mashgiach Rav Moshe Wolfson, started a program called Rishumim Beshimcha in which parents and children together sign an annual kabbalah not to engage in iPhone usage. While we can’t forbid everything, this is a helpful geder to protect our most precious possession: kedushas Yisrael.

Ariel Galian

Beitar

See Something? Say Something! [Kichels / Issue 1044]

My chavrusa and I had a spirited debate the other night concerning the Kichels strip of a bochur afraid that his father would ask him to say a devar Torah. According to the thought bubble he didn’t have one, or more likely, he didn’t think he had one, at least not one impressive enough.

But why should that be? I did not benefit from years of yeshivah learning, but I am still maavir sedrah in the quiet of a Shabbos night, and sometimes my focus settles on a pasuk, or a choice of words. I keep it in mind, and I run it by some other mispallelim in shul the next day. (It rarely goes on for more than one minute; I have a short attention span.) Sometimes, they tell me that my point is indeed mentioned in a sefer by a famous rav, and on other occasions, they tell me that it’s original.

My point is, not every devar Torah has to be a Shabbos Hagadol derashah. It just has to elicit comments, and should reach Hashem’s Ear and bring down a brachah. “Wherever you mention My Name, I will come and bless you.”

Even the NYPD tells us, “If you see something, say something.”

Peretz Mann

Essential Growth [Perspectives / Issue 1042]

I am writing in response to Moshe Bane’s insightful article regarding the critical importance of Jewish women’s education across all stages of adulthood, and the significant challenges in securing funding for such initiatives.

For over 25 years, Mesorah Baltimore: The Center for Women’s Torah Study (formerly known as the Women’s Institute of Torah) has been providing quality classes and programming guided by Torah wisdom. Additionally, the center serves as a vital social hub for women in our community. Women moving to Baltimore often turn to Mesorah Baltimore to build meaningful friendships and connections.

Mr. Bane rightly acknowledged the challenges in funding women’s Torah learning. We are all too familiar with the financial hurdles of sustaining our quarter-million-dollar annual budget. Unlike programs supporting men’s learning, our funding relies primarily on membership fees, à la carte entrance fees, individual sponsorships, endowments, contributions from women philanthropists who recognize the importance of our mission, and grants from foundations such as the Charles Crane Family Foundation. Unfortunately, our experience echoes Mr. Bane’s observation that most men do not fully appreciate or value the necessity of supporting Jewish women’s education.

I extend my heartfelt thanks to Mr. Bane for bringing attention to this critical issue and pioneering advocacy in advancing Torah education for women. His words inspire continued dedication to this essential cause.

Linda S. Elman, past president, Mesorah Baltimore

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1046)