We know that you’re both in terrible pain. But we need to say something to both of you

Dear Divorcing Friends,

WEwrite this letter with trepidation and dismay.

It hasn’t been fun watching your marriage crumble. It has been agonizing to witness what happens when two people fall to bitter fighting, when they can’t compromise on their principles for the sake of their children and their marriage.

We know that you’re both in terrible pain. But we need to say something to both of you.

As outsiders, we see how this could go differently. From the outside, we see that you could end this marriage in a peaceful, nonconfrontational way. You could fire your lawyers and accept a divorce agreement from a beis din or with the help of the askanim who work as mediators. Make an agreement (even one you don’t like) and exit. End the conflict.

We see that the path you’re taking will never end. You will fight each other to bankruptcy and beyond. You’ll destroy your children. And you still won’t get what you want. There’s a simpler approach: Just stop. Stop accusing each other of every possible wrong. Stop involving police and courts and Child Protective Services. Stop, even if you are right. It’s getting you nowhere.

You both claim that your children aren’t safe with your former spouse, that they’ll suffer if there is shared custody. Maybe that’s true, but they’re already suffering from this endless battle. The children need their mother. The children need their father. You can’t control each other’s behavior with them, and you can’t change each other with these underhanded tactics.

Ultimately, if you continue to make accusations and fight over the children, you won’t win. No one will win. You’re better off stopping now. Agree to an equitable arrangement like many before you. Save yourselves years of pain and loads of money. Your lawyers are not using your money to help you. They will line their pockets while you two fight it out forever. And you still won’t get what you want.

We will not take sides in this. We will support each of you separately. But we can’t do it if you keep fighting. The pain that you’re in, the loneliness that you feel, the support that you need… all will lessen significantly once you stop fighting. When you lay down your arms, agree to disagree, and allow the beis din and mediators to take charge. Please, when you do that, let us know. We will be here for both of you b’lev shaleim.

Until then, we wish you the best and we are davening for you and your children.

Your (Former) Close Friends and Confidants

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 924)