“Every little thing setting a little girl off” could be describing an emotionally dysregulated child

Q

My ten-year-old daughter seems to be in a constant terrible mood. Every little thing sets her off these days, and she’ll stomp around angrily and speak aggressively to everyone around her (besides her friends, to whom she is still the delight she used to be). I guess this is normal preteen-teen behavior, but do I tolerate it? Ignore it? Call it out? My younger kids are watching, and I’m worried that they’re considering her anger and outbursts to be acceptable and normal.

A

Please forgive me if I disagree with the statement “normal preteen-teen behavior.” “Every little thing setting a little girl off” could be describing an emotionally dysregulated child.

Before we can think of “calling her out,” you need to find out if there is something else going on. I do not know if you’re living in the US or Eretz Yisrael. Either way, many things could be going on around her.

Is she hearing sirens? Does she hear the news? Is she afraid of wars? Any relatives in physical or spiritual danger? Is she having difficulty with a teacher or friend? Is she experiencing conflict or tension between her parents?

There is usually an explanation for this kind of dysregulation. You want to sit with her and lovingly try to discuss the situation. Maybe she can help you understand why she seems to be in so much pain or confusion, as expressed by her recent behavior. If you can help her get in touch with what is going on inside her, you may identify something that can be easily resolved or that requires more serious intervention.

This must be a starting point, step one, with all such cases, because there is usually a cause that we can identify for unreasonable behavior. (I am now discussing general misbehavior, not serious emotional dysregulation.) While there are definitely times when we need to “call a child out” — not in the literal sense, but as we will elucidate below — we need to understand the dynamics before doing so.

Poor behavior has become quite common in our world. So many parents are afraid to say no to their children. Too many children are growing up in a home with lack of structure. If a home is too permissive and children can do whatever they want with no concern of reprimand, then this will lead to acting out. When a child knows she will get whatever she wants by any means, we are cultivating misbehavior.

Children do what works for them. If stomping around angrily gets them what they want; if intimidating others and not listening to you because they are moody and angry works — then why should they stop?

After you have seriously explored step one and clarified that there is no outside cause and the behavior is simply an attempt to get control, then you will need to “call them out.” But that means helping them take responsibility for their behavior. The only question is how we call someone out without making things worse.

It’s time for both her parents to sit her down and let her know how much you love her and how proud you are of how she treats all her friends, or helps the neighbor, or how she was so nice to someone. Try to give a few compliments, because the chances that she will even hear them after you speak about the current behavior are minimal.

After establishing that you love her, believe in her, and even have good things to say, you also want her to know — without using the word “but,” which undoes everything you have said till now; use the word “and” — that this behavior is not acceptable.

A child needs to have a voice, She needs to be heard. We can never shut down the dialogue. Children need to know that we hear and validate their feelings, but that does not mean that we will validate their behavior. If they want to complain about something, they can only do so after saying two positive things. When their feelings are taking over and they cannot seem to get control, we need to help them negotiate those feelings and bring them back to their senses.

We will let her know that we will not respond to stomping and complaining, and that she will still have to listen to everything we say, because we are her parents. Leave no room for doubt, and you will need to follow through. Children, all children, need love, acceptance, respect, and boundaries. The first three without structure will breed entitlement and misbehavior. Structure without the love, acceptance, and respect will breed resentment.

The two most important elements in the system are balance and consistency. She will test you, probably often. She is losing her control, and that will not be easy for her. Make sure to compliment, acknowledge, and encourage. If she continues her behavior with the other children, sit her down again. Remember, she is ten years old — she cannot navigate life by herself. Children crave structure. Structure provides safety. She needs your structure to be safe and to know what is really expected of her.

Never be afraid of your child. Hashem gave you the child, and you will find the right way to deal with her. If you have really followed this advice seriously for a decent period of time (a few months), you might find that my advice does not work. There are other mechanchim and other ideas. However, never be afraid, and never give up.

If your child had allergies, you would go to a specialist; if his advice did not work, you would not give up — you would turn to another doctor. There is no way we as parents can know what to do with every child in every situation. This column is one modest attempt to give general advice that has worked for many families over the past 30 years. Ultimately, you as parents will find what works for your child and enjoy wonderful nachas.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1041)