Let your daughter know she has a choice in life: To live with what she has, or to be forever wishing that she were someone else

Q:

We were never wealthy, but my husband’s field was badly affected by the economy, and things are tighter than ever right now. We’re struggling to pay bills on time, I had to reduce therapy for two of my children who need it badly, and we’re basically surviving by paying our credit card minimums.

My teenage daughter is taking it hard. She wants all the things her friends have, and when we try to explain the situation in an age-appropriate way, she’s resentful. When I was her age, I did any number of things to earn a little extra money to pay for the things I wanted, but she has absolutely no interest — none of her friends have to do this.

I feel bad for her. I know that with this generation, a lot of the “wants” might really be “needs,” if everyone seems to have them. But even if I had the extra money, I would be paying off credit cards and saving for her wedding, not buying her the boots she wants. How do I explain this to her in a way she’ll accept?

A:

This is a very sensitive question. Our children are growing up in an age of plenty that I think is unparalleled in our history. At the same time, the distribution of that wealth is creating two strata within our society. I am observing, not judging, when I say that the “haves” are spending money so far beyond the means of “don’t-haves” that it clearly exerts pressure on those who have “more but not enough,” and elicits envy in those who do not have at all. Even though the “don’t-haves” of our day have more than most of their great-grandfathers and great-grandmothers could have dreamed of.

Raising happy children means raising children in a happy home. When we are truly okay with what we have, we have a better chance of showing our children that happiness does not come from having more but from being more. How do we speak about wealth? How do we exclaim “Wow!” when we hear or see the extravagance of those who can afford it?

I will dare to say that I have seen young men and women who cause their parents big financial stress by demanding what “everyone” has. However, I will also dare to say that parents, when giving in to those demands, are ultimately responsible for their children’s inability to live within their means.

I am not judging you, and I am not trying to give mussar. Each of us has the responsibility to figure out what we have and how we should spend it. We are prohibited from wasting money that was given to us, and we are forbidden to spend money we do not have.

Living within our means and being happy with what we have is true wealth. A child who sees parents who are genuinely happy with what they have, whether they have hundreds of millions or almost enough to finish the month, have a chance at feeling satisfied with life. We need not be apologetic to our children, but clear in the message that Hashem is the One Who divides the wealth, and we each have what we are supposed to have.

Will there be children who will decide to try to have more when they set out into the world on their own? Probably. Will they be successful? Maybe. Will they be wealthy? Only if they come to terms with Hashem’s plans.

Do not buy what you cannot afford. Let your daughter know that she has a choice in life: To live with what she has, or to be forever wishing that she were someone else.

Will she like the message? That will depend on the confidence with which we can convey it.

Q:

I’m worried that my son is missing some social cues. He’s 13, and he’s always been a little on the quiet side, but I’ve seen a few instances lately that worry me — saying very awkward things at the wrong time, asking people personal questions, that sort of thing.

I don’t want to lecture him, and any time I make a casual comment to him about it, he gets defensive and shuts down.

How do I know if this is something serious or if it’s normal and age-appropriate?

A:

Your concerns seem valid. Missing social cues is not something to ignore. Although you are asking, you probably know that his behavior is not age-appropriate. At 13, a boy should know whom to ask what, and when.

You are also correct in assessing that the response should not be lectures. He is savvy enough to read your cues when you’re thinking you should lecture him but instead you make a “casual comment.” Right now, he is not giving consideration to anything that is going on except what is running through his head at the moment. It could be he is not reading cues because he does not see them; or it could be impulsivity, which overrides what he is seeing.

There are two things that you can do to help him.

The first is to ask him lots of questions about what is going on around him in the room. What is A thinking? How did B feel about what C said to him? Do you think that D appreciated X? And so on. By asking questions and letting him evaluate, you are clueing him in. When he gives you an answer that you know is incorrect, you simply follow up with another question that helps him get to a better understanding of the situation.

The second thing you can do is to look for a coach who specializes in socialization. Because of the effects of technology, many young men and women are not developing healthfully in verbal communication with their peers and parents. This has precipitated the need for many more therapists and life coaches who specialize in helping boys and girls like your son.

Your question is important because you are calling attention to a very critical issue. Our schools today are as much social institutions as they are learning institutions. A young man or woman who struggles socially is at high risk for failing and falling out of the system.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1052)