“Once we begin this slippery slope of stereotyping a particular class’s level of nosei b’ol, there is no stopping”

Rubbing Salt in a Wound [Inbox / Issue 1039]

In Eli Blum’s inbox letter, he suggested that schools place a lien on the home of parents who are receiving a tuition break. Ironically, only a few pages later, Yisroel Besser aptly pointed out that our community would be better served if the askanim sitting on school boards would be in touch with the average community member’s reality.

I have to assume the letter writer doesn’t realize that a fair amount of families requesting tuition breaks are not in the financial position to be homeowners. And if they did manage to scrounge up the funds to buy a house, it’s likely that this is their only financial asset — would you rip the fraying rug out from under their feet in the event they sell their home? And what if their home depreciates in value, etc.? I fail to see how this is a viable proposal.

But what’s most disturbing is the second suggestion offered in this letter: to publicly acknowledge and laud those who do pay full tuition. What’s the other side of that coin? A public shaming of those who can’t afford to pay full tuition. Anyone who ever attended a frum school surely learned that embarrassing someone in public is like murdering him.

It’s painful and sometimes humiliating to ask for tuition assistance. Why would you rub salt in that wound?

Anonymous

New York

Middos and Money [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 1039]

I was initially taken by the sensitivity brought up by Rabbi Besser in his most recent article. But at second glance I feel that there is a danger inherent in assessing a person’s ability to be nosei b’ol im chaveiro based on his external appearance.

Nosei b’ol im chaveiro is a middah that can be developed with focus and proper avodah. Like with many middos, some people may have more of a natural tendency for this. However, a person’s financial state and how he arrived there is no indication of his level of nosei b’ol.

Rabbi Besser assumes that a hardworking middle-class balabos will naturally feel more sympathetic to the plight of others in the same financial bracket. This isn’t necessarily true. It wouldn’t be farfetched to hear sentiments like “We did fine with that salary,” or “I never spend money like you do and my kids are fine.” At the same time, we’ve all seen selfless acts come from people who would seemingly not relate.

Once we begin this slippery slope of stereotyping a particular class’s level of nosei b’ol, there is no stopping. Who would be the next group diagnosed as unable to relate? Let’s remember that good middos in bein adam l’chaveiro are found in the people who work on themselves, and these people are found in all different places.

Yossef Alcabes

Privilege and Obligation — Where are the Women? [Job Search / Issue 1039]

I read your article, “So, You Want to Be a… Chemist” with great interest, as I’m currently pursuing my PhD in Chemistry at Columbia University. Naturally, I was eager to see how frum women manage to juggle motherhood, other communal responsibilities, and working in the field of chemistry.

You can imagine my disappointment, then, when the article only featured frum male chemists. Considering that (presumably) half of your readership is female — and that over half of the world’s population are women — I was hoping you’d include at least one frum woman in the mix.

When I first began looking at pursuing my PhD in Chemistry, I searched out frum women in the field to better understand what it entailed. As someone who is currently studying this discipline, it would have been nice to hear how someone in my demographic balances their life and career. It also wouldn’t hurt to highlight a frum female chemist as a role model for the next generation of aspiring scientists. After all, who better to inspire today’s students than someone who has navigated both the periodic table and PTA meetings?

Here’s hoping the next installment leaves room for some XX chromosomes in the spotlight!

Chana Feinsod

Clifton, NJ

Blurred and Disappointed  [When Words Fail / Issue1039]

It was very exciting to see your article in The Mix about the important art exhibit October 7: Terror, Faith, Hope. As one of the artists from Israel, it wasn’t possible for me to participate in the gallery activities.

I was disappointed with the placement of the gallery invitation that you included in the article. In the original invitation, which has the names of all the artists who displayed work, the letters were white, not gray, so they would have been readable against the red background. This oversight made all artists not mentioned in the article invisible, whereas they could have been seen through this picture.

A disappointed artist,

Chana Flicker

Ramat Beit Shemesh

Something to Hide [Counterpoint / Issue 1037]

While I found the original tuition article very informative, and it has helped me understand the schools’ perspective, the letters printed in response indicate clearly that there’s what to improve in regard to the schools’ communication with their parent body. I would also like to thank you for printing the follow-up article; it clarified an issue that has bothered me for some time.

When my husband lost his job and we were unable to make our agreed-upon payments, the administrator of my sons’ school called my husband a shlemazel, and the owner/dean of the yeshivah (who is lauded for his contribution to the klal) did not allow my children into school. If that was not embarrassing enough, they had the principals call us regarding the issue as well.

We are not the type of entitled parents depicted in the original article, who don’t want to contribute toward their children’s tuition. The first payments that go out after we receive a paycheck aren’t for utilities (which we often scramble to cover); they’re for tuition, and there isn’t much money left afterward. Understandably, we have a very bad taste in our mouths, and we limit our contributions to said school to our tuition payments. This is in contrast to our girls’ school (whom I should add took my husband’s résumé to send to their contacts), where we will give extra when we can.

Recently my husband asked his rosh yeshivah if we should consider sending our next son to a different yeshivah. He told us not to because they are all the same. I believe many schools may have declined to be interviewed because many schools have what to be ashamed of.

Dena F.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1041)