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nd he said ‘Am I instead of Hashem Who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?’” (Bereishis 30:2)

The Midrash (Bereishis Rabbah 71) says: Hashem said to Yaakov “That’s how you answer someone who’s distressed? By your life in the future your sons will bow down to her sons.” 

Technically Yaakov’s answer was halachically correct. He wanted to teach Rochel emunah and bitachon — that everything’s dependent on the Will of Hashem.
If so why was Yaakov punished? (Rav Shach Meirosh Amunah)

“Rabbi Ganz is in the hospital ” announced Avi throwing his backpack on the floor. “He’s got pneumonia. He’s been coughing for weeks! He even had different boys read the Gemara for him ’cuz he kept on coughing!” Avi was enjoying being the center of attention.

“We said Tehillim for him today but the principal said we shouldn’t worry. He’s on medicine and he’ll be home in a few days. But he won’t be able to teach for weeks. So far they can’t find a sub. Today we had a free morning!”

Youth. Concern for his rebbi paled in the excitement of a free morning.

The next day though Avi stomped through the door and collapsed. “They found a sub.” He sounded like doomsday had arrived. “He never taught before. Reuven and Donny thought we’d have a good time but no way! This guy’s strict! He wouldn’t let anyone breathe!” Avi gave a sigh of anguish. “Rabbi Ganz better come back quick. This new rebbi would be a great prison guard!”

The Torah’s teaching us a lesson for life. Even if our words are technically correct and our purpose is to teach and not cause pain we still must always pay attention to seek the best way to convey our message. If the listener’s in pain we must find a way to calm him with our words.

The rest of the week Avi came home frustrated and angry.

“Officer Weiss has got us all hopping. Even when we know the Gemara he still yells ‘Get going! Gotta learn!’ What’s the point of trying to learn when he’s never satisfied?”

A week later things exploded.

“That’s it! I’m not going back to school again! Rabbi Weiss is sooo mean!” He dissolved into tears.

A crying preteen boy’s an awkward matter. To hug? Not to hug? But when I sat down next to him he threw his arms around me.

“Rabbi Weiss said I’m a batlan! And that I’m never going to be a talmid chacham if I don’t get cracking! I’m going to crack before I can get cracking! What’s the point?”

Hashem’s complaint against Yaakov isn’t about the content of his words; rather it’s on the way he said them. He could have found a way that would have left Rochel calm. You don’t answer a woman in distress like that.

Since Yaakov didn’t say his words in the correct manner Hashem judged him strictly. We learn from here how great is the need that a person’s words always be said correctly.

With the excuse of dropping off Avi’s sandwich I decided to go meet Rabbi Weiss. He didn’t seem like an ogre. I mentioned casually that Avi was having a hard time with the pressured attitude in the classroom.

“This is what all the baalei mussar say! You have to light a fire underneath them so they feel the pressure to shteig.”

I was nearly speechless. “That may be a true educational technique but we’re talking about grade-school kids who usually do better with positive reinforcement.”

But the rebbi’s eyes were afire. “That’s when people start slacking off. They need to know that no matter how much they learn there’s always more!”

I came home feeling each word of the conversation weighing on me. It would be nice if we all reacted positively to power speeches. But I wondered how I’d feel if someone were telling me every morning: “Let’s go Peritzman! There’ll always be more dishes more laundry. You’ll never get finished so keep moving!”

A week later Avi danced into the house. “Rabbi Ganz is back! He feels great! He said it’s in the zechus of all our shteiging that he had a refuah sheleimah! We’re going to make a siyum in a month and a seudas hodaah! I gotta go learn! We have a lot to finish!”

And he went dancing to get his Gemara and meet his chavrusa in shul.

I breathed a sigh of relief. There’s no substitute for positive reinforcement. (Originally featured in Family First Issue 568)