It’s not the pace, or a specific result, that equals success, but rather the very fact that there is forward momentum

We’re Never Stuck

Shoshana Schwartz

Each of us has certain long-standing characteristics. Whether they’re inborn, nurtured, or a combination, there are certain traits that are so strongly ingrained that they feel like an integral part of who you are. You wouldn’t recognize yourself without them.

When those characteristics manifest negatively, you can feel victimized, doomed, or filled with despair.

I’m such a chatterbox. No matter how hard I try to zip it, I always end up blabbing other people’s secrets. I’m a terrible person.

Ever since second grade, I’ve been awful at public speaking and too terrified to ever try again.

I’ve always been the jealous type. I suffer so much, and there’s not a thing I can do about it.

Or you may try to defend or rationalize your patterns:

I’m stingy, that’s just the way I am.

You know I’m impulsive, so don’t take anything I say personally.

My whole family is hot-blooded. We’re passionate and express ourselves by screaming.

You may be hot-blooded by nature, but what you do with that characteristic is up to you. Placing the blame on your genes, upbringing, or even trauma keeps you stuck in your unhealthy patterns. If you’re not careful, you can use the negatives in your past or present to evade responsibility and justify inappropriate behaviors.

Instead, you can acknowledge the negative characteristics or tendencies (and their source, if you’re aware of it) and choose to move forward.

I see I’m isolating myself again. Maybe I can reach out for support.

I’m overspending. That’s generally my way of overcompensating for feeling deprived. What can I do to nurture myself, or reframe my experience of deprivation?

I notice that when I feel neglected, I become passive-aggressive. Maybe there’s another way to handle those feelings.

It’s absolutely okay if your progress is slow and incremental, at a pace that feels safe and sustainable for you. Often this progress isn’t discernable to outsiders and that’s fine; you can make yourself accountable to you, Hashem, and if necessary, a trusted friend or mental health professional. No outside person has a right to demand that you change according to their schedule or expectations. It’s not the pace, or a specific result, that equals success, but rather the very fact that there is forward momentum. It’s about efforts, not outcomes.

Of course, there are some behaviors that are always unacceptable, whether or not you’re ready to speed up your healing journey. In that case, outside intervention is required.

We do not choose our personality flaws. When you make a continuous, conscious effort to change, one tiny step at a time, you can feel positive and empowered as you live your life in sync with your values.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in compulsive eating, codependency, and addictive behaviors.

Body and Soul

Shira Savit

IN stressful times, our relationship with food can take different paths. Some women may seek comfort through eating, while others may find it hard to eat at all. Both extremes can have adverse effects.

Heightened stress affects our body’s natural hunger and fullness cues. Stress hormones like noradrenaline can reduce appetite, while increased stomach pressure can dampen sensations of hunger. However, our bodies may actually need even more fuel when under stress, and not eating can exacerbate tension and anxiety.

If you’re going through a tough time and food is the last thing on your mind, this is completely normal. However, your body still needs food and is silently asking for nourishment. Using logic can be helpful. We can tell ourselves messages such as: “Even though I don’t feel hungry now, my body needs nourishment,” or “I’m choosing to eat something because I don’t want to exacerbate my feelings of stress.” It doesn’t have to be a gourmet meal; even sitting down to eat small amounts of nourishing food can provide vital self-care.

In my view, intuitive eating isn’t necessarily about only eating when we’re perfectly hungry and stopping when we’re perfectly full; rather, it’s sending our body a message of self-respect and compassion, regardless of the circumstances. We aim to prove our body with the care and fuel it needs, even during stressful times, and remind ourselves we are doing the best we can.

And for those who are turning to food for comfort, especially if overeating becomes a pattern, be gentle with yourself. Instead of criticizing yourself, acknowledge that food can actually be a source of comfort for you. From there, you can assess whether other coping mechanisms might be more beneficial.

Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to eating. The goal is fostering a sense of self-care and compassion, which will manifest differently for each of us.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition.hira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

Calculated Risk

Sara Eisemann

A soldier once said, “What is courage?”

“Courage is fear that has said its prayers.”

These times find us doing deep self-examination as each of us looks within to find the borders of our own courage, our own compassion, and our own commitment. These borders will look as individual as we are, reflecting our internal landscape and beliefs.

For those of us wishing to expand the parameters of our courage, we may first need to redefine courage. Courage is not a blind plunge into danger. That is foolhardiness. Neither is it the absence of fear. Courage is actually an appreciation of the inherent risk, along with the associated fear, and the decision to do it anyway. Because it is important enough. Because the collective gain outweighs the personal risk. Because what we hope to gain is greater than what we might lose.

The stakes are high, or courage would not be required. So we pray. We make a calculated decision that the risk is worth it and then we daven. For success. For the strength to be braver than our fear. For ongoing grit so that we do not falter midway. For the zechus to believe deeply that no matter the outcome, we lived by our convictions. And for the peace of mind that comes with living in tandem with our beliefs.

The resolution of this internal battle emboldens and empowers us to forage into dangerous turfs, be they physical or emotional. The calm that comes from reflecting inward and then turning outward to Hashem is what gives us the strength to push past our smallness and step into our greatness. The internal conversation removes the responsibility for the outcome from us and places it squarely in Hashem’s Hands, where it belongs.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach, and certified Core Mentor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 867)