It’s hard to know if someone’s parenting ideals are aligned with yours until there are real, live children

Team Effort

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

“I can’t believe we’re so perfectly aligned in our parenting strategies and will have children who will behave beautifully all the time!” said many starry-eyed shanah rishonah couples.

Heard that from any actual, real parents? I didn’t think so. Me neither.

While prior to marriage we try to find a spouse with as much compatibility as possible, it’s hard to know if someone’s parenting ideals are aligned with yours until there are real, live children. We can plan to be the most patient, loving, creative, supportive parents, and then feel extremely challenged by life’s circumstances, a child’s personality, or unhealed childhood wounds and triggers.

Disparate parenting styles between couples exist on a spectrum. Often spouses are basically on the same page, sharing the same vision, values, and end goals, but feel threatened by each other’s personality differences, which can dictate a variety of responses that may feel foreign.

Sometimes though, there isn’t a common vision, and the disagreements between spouses about the optimal way to raise their kids can run deeper. And while we know that children who see their parents fighting will suffer confusion and distress, it’s important to also attend to the primary casualty here — the marriage.

If you find yourself constantly frustrated at your spouse’s parenting style, it’s important to attend to these feelings before they escalate into a full-blown issue of constant contention. Consider these five strategies to learn how to compromise and even appreciate your spouse’s parenting style differences:

Communicate: At some point, you and your spouse will probably disagree on how to handle a situation with your child. Speak it out respectfully and with an open mind. Frame statements with “I,” and keep the focus on the bigger picture. Often, we actually want the same thing, but diverge on the path to the finish line. Don’t get tripped up too much on details, and talk it out as rationally as possible.

Keep it behind closed doors: Kids are super sensitive to their parents’ emotions and conflicts — especially when they are at the center. You don’t want your child to feel like s/he caused the tension or that s/he has to pick a side.

Present a unified front — which will also prevent the child from inappropriately aligning her/himself to one parent in order to get his/her way. (“Shuli, let’s go to Mommy to ask about a sleepover, she’ll let us.” “Don’t ask Ima for dessert, go straight to Tatty!”)

Nurture the relationship: Frequent discord about child-rearing (among the other stressors in life) can lead you to forget that the core of the household is the parents and the marriage relationship. Nurture your bond and relationship, and remember you are a team. Go on a date and make a rule not to talk about the children. Your marriage will benefit, and so will the kids, who will feel greater security in a home infused with shalom bayis.

Acknowledge the benefits: Having a mix of parenting styles in your home can be beneficial if done within reason. Seek to find a way to blend the best of both of your styles into something you can both live with.

Learn: Parenting is hard. Multiple children, and multiple temperaments, personalities, skills, strengths, and weaknesses all require parental attunement. Take the time to have discussions about your parenting styles, read some books on parenting, and consult with teachers, rabbis/rebbetzins/mechanchim to learn and broaden or reinforce your perspectives and ideas.

Abby Delouya, RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and individual therapist with a specialty in trauma and addiction.

Make the Connection

Shira Savit

IN the previous installment, we began to explore actions to take when faced with a craving. We discussed the bumblebee analogy, and the power of just pausing. The next stop after pausing would be to notice where in our bodies we feel the craving.

When we have a craving, our attention is commonly fixated on the food itself (I love mint chocolate chip ice cream! It tastes so good; I need some now!). The vortex of our whirlpool of thoughts is the food we are craving. “Maybe I’ll have just a spoon or two?” Or “I’ll make myself wait till the kids are sleeping.” Or “Is it worth it?”

A helpful alternative would be to train ourselves to notice where in our bodies we experience sensations that connect to the cravings. For example, maybe I have a dry mouth and I’m hoping the ice cream would soothe it. Maybe I have a headache and that’s why I want a chocolate fix. Perhaps I feel lethargic, and I want some candy for a quick energy rush.

Even if the craving feels all consuming, and we can’t locate its origin in the body, that is also helpful information. The key is that we begin to be mindful. We start to shift out of an all-encompassing need to eat this right now! and into mindfulness.

Observing sensations without judgment or impulsively giving in to the craving’s demands connects us to the present moment and affords us space to make choices.

This step also helps us differentiate cravings from genuine hunger. Genuine hunger often emanates from the stomach, accompanied by sensations of emptiness or a subtle growling. Nonphysical cravings, however, may manifest in other areas such as the mouth, throat, or chest. Recognizing these distinctions empowers us to respond wisely and meet our needs in a balanced manner.

Even if you still end up eating that coveted food, know that you’ve taken an important step in the right direction, building your tool kit of skills that can help you master your cravings.

Stay tuned for part four….

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

Bug Off

Dr. Jennie Berkovich

Typically, an otherwise busy doctor’s office enjoys a quiet lull in the interlude between finishing up the pre-camp physicals and back-to-school season. However, summer illnesses and injuries start to pop up during this time. A common one that I love educating families about is Skeeter syndrome.

When mosquitoes bite, they introduce proteins through their saliva. In individuals with this syndrome, the proteins trigger an exaggerated immune response, or in the vernacular, an allergic reaction. Symptoms may include intense swelling, redness, itching, pain, and occasionally, fever and blistering. Kids who have Skeeter syndrome will often have some very impressive “welts” as a result of several mosquito bites.

Skeeter syndrome is a localized reaction and not a life-threatening condition. It does not progress to a systemic allergic reaction and should not require an EpiPen or oral steroids. Treatment typically involves using over-the-counter antihistamines, steroid cream, and cold compresses.

Dr. Jennie Berkovich is a board-certified pediatrician in Chicago and serves as the Director of Education for the Jewish Orthodox Medical Association (JOWMA)

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 853)