There are three common areas that parents are hesitant to discuss with their children: facts, feelings, and physicality

Let’s Talk

Zipora Schuck

Over 50 years ago, a childhood educator overturned the conventional wisdom of not sharing certain information with children by saying that, “Anything that is human is mentionable, and anything mentionable is manageable.” While the old school of thought posited that, “They don’t need to know; if we don’t discuss it, they won’t think about it; certain things are too uncomfortable to talk about,” the contemporary approach is different. It recognizes that things happen in children, to children, and around children, and we as parents want to be the trusted and safe adults who can help them navigate that experience.

There are three common areas that parents are hesitant to discuss with their children: facts, feelings, and physicality.

Facts. Kids today are exposed to many difficult things, between death, serious illness, threats to personal safety, injustice, and trauma. Children need our help processing these things; they need information at the right time and in the right way.

It’s best to find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted. First, gently find out what the child already knows so you can either build on that or correct any misconceptions. Provide information that is accurate and developmentally appropriate without graphic details. Reassure children that all reactions and feelings are normal. Separate the expectations on the adults in this situation from the responsibilities of the children.

Sometimes the facts concern the child, and the ability to discuss it is of similar importance. Be it a learning disability, family difficulty, or emotional challenge, a parent can sensitively demystify the situation for the child by explaining what is happening, perhaps why it is happening, that this happens to many others as well, and most importantly, convey a sense of hope and support. Children often think they are the only ones struggling with a particular experience, and normalizing their experience may spare them a great deal of isolation and humiliation.

Feelings. Helping a child deal with an emotion by naming it and providing the language to talk about it gives the child the ability to process it.

Even very young children experience anger, jealousy, grief, and disappointment. Some adults mistakenly believe that if we don’t verbalize or label the feelings associated with something difficult, that will mitigate the child’s experience. It’s often just the opposite though. Once we provide children with the words to express what they are feeling, they are better able to process those feelings.

We can introduce different feelings by modeling this kind of expression to our children. “I’m feeling____”… or “You seem to be feeling very____.”

Physicality. Everyone has a body. And Hashem created our bodies to do all sorts of fascinating and important things as part of everyday life, and new and exciting things as the body grows and develops.

Providing children with the information they need to understand what is happening inside them and to them is crucial. Helping them understand when, where, and with whom to discuss these things is important social guidance. This is important as we help young children understand their bodies, and becomes even more important as our children begin their change into adult development. There are many excellent resources and books available specifically for our frum community to help parents have these conversations comfortably.

In all these areas, finding the balance of the correct amount of accurate information that is age appropriate is key. Too much, too soon when the child isn’t ready can be just as unhelpful as too little. Sometimes these conversations need to happen in parts, not all at once, so the child is gradually prepared to hold and integrate the new information.

Most importantly, having these conversations sends the message that your child will know they can always come to you with hard questions or sensitive topics, and that you will answer them in a way that is both honest and helpful.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

Press the Pause Button

Shira Savit

While some of us experience cravings as insurmountable, giving in to these urges as soon as they strike, we’d be better equipped to navigate these moments with mindfulness and self-compassion if we could put some practical strategies in place before the cravings hit. In the next few columns, we’ll discuss some actionable ideas to consider.

Pause. The pause piece can be compared to avoiding a bee sting. When there’s a bumble bee in our vicinity, our instinct might be to swat it or flee in fear. But though it may be counterintuitive, fighting the bee, or flailing our arms in a desperate attempt to keep it at bay, increases our risk of getting stung.

Similarly, when we resist or fight against a craving, we often find ourselves entangled in a cycle of guilt, frustration, and disappointment. The more we resist, the stronger the craving becomes, and the more likely we are to give in to its allure. Try the alternative: Pause, and adopt a calm, accepting stance. This creates space to just let the craving be without succumbing to it.

Staying calm allows us to observe these urges with curiosity and openness,  exploring what they may be telling us, without feeling the need to immediately act on them or push them away.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

Principled, Not Problematic

Shoshana Schwartz

Even if you really, really, really need your friend, relative, neighbor, colleague, community, or institution to change their principles, rules, standards, values, or guidelines, they have no moral imperative to do so. They are probably not being inflexible, mean, or inconsiderate; they are being principled, reliable, predictable, and trustworthy.

When your perspective differs, others’ decisions may seem unreasonable because you’re trying to apply your logic to their perspective.

Similarly, you need to set standards for yourself, without needing to explain your logic or convince others they’re appropriate for you.

Strong logic does not negate good boundaries.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in addiction and codependency. She gives in-person and online addiction prevention lectures and workshops to education and mental health professionals, community leaders, and parent groups, as well as 12-Step workshops for non-addicts.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 852)