“There is no such thing as a ‘quick and easy divorce.’ But there is such a thing as a Torahdig divorce”

Final Considerations in Israel [If There’s a Will / Issue 965]

As a halachic estate planning attorney, I especially enjoyed Allan Gibber’s article regarding wills and how a halachic will is handled in America (with its 50 states and their differing laws dealing with distribution and taxation of assets upon death). However, he did not mention Israel, where Mishpacha magazine has a large following. Also, certain important points were not mentioned.

A basic distinction must be made between the timing of probate (court administration of a will) in America and Israel: In America, probate for a married couple is deferred until the surviving spouse dies; in Israel, probate occurs after each death.

As Attorney Gibber pointed out, while there is only one halachah regarding testamentary (after death) distribution, inter vivos gifting (before death) can halachically achieve personal intentions (e.g., those of a husband to a wife and daughters, not only to sons). However, there is a difference between the two countries in their secular definition of “jointly held property” by a married couple (whether a bank account or real estate). In Israel, each spouse only owns 50 percent of a “jointly held” asset; in America, each spouse owns 100 percent of it. This affects distribution if a joint tenant dies intestate (without a will), leaving the distribution to the secular, non-halachic laws of the state/medinah where the asset is situated.

A will is only a statement of intent to the state/medinah of how the will writer (testator/testatrix) wants the assets distributed; it is not a contract. Therefore, to be more assured that the will writer’s intentions are carried out and are incontestable by a disgruntled beneficiary, it is wise to write a prenuptial and/or a postnuptial agreement, which is a contract between the husband and wife. Obviously, for Jews, halachic considerations should be included.

In America and Israel, when a person is legally declared mentally incompetent, his/her bank account is frozen until the following documents are provided: In America, health care proxies manage only the medical decisions and a separate General Power of Attorney is needed for other decisions (e.g., financial transactions). In Israel, the Durable Power of Attorney covers three areas of decision-making: medical, financial, and personal (e.g., hiring a caretaker). Neither document applies in the other country; therefore, if one spends considerable time in each country, one should put the respective requisite documents in place while still mentally competent to execute them. I also recommend that there should be multiple proxies/contingent ones nominated for the mentally incompetent person in case a proxy becomes incompetent or dead.

Tirtza Jotkowitz, Esq.

Jerusalem, Israel

Songs That Won Hearts [Standing Ovation / Issue 965]

How wonderful it was to read Ding’s Standing Ovation about the 50th anniversary of the creation of JEP records.

When we returned to Australia in 1973 after a year’s learning program in Eretz Yisrael, Australia welcomed to its shores for the first time the beginning of the Counterpoint seminar programs for high school kids. Yeshiva University sent out its select faculty to run sensitivity training programs with a Jewish twist, bringing a love of Yiddishkeit to high school children who were hardly brought up with a Jewish heritage. I was a madrich at those seminars, and during the meals and “ruach sessions,” the JEP songs were a highlight.

Being so far away from the rest of the Jewish world, I would eagerly visit our local Jewish bookstore, the Amzalak book store, to see if he had received any new records. How excited I was to be able to buy all the JEP recordings, which I’d then play over and over.

Some of the tracks were used for singalongs and kumzitzen; while others, like the famous “Ani Maamin,” were used as soundtracks for audiovisual presentations on the Shoah, along with a slideshow (remember those colored slides put in a Kodak carousel projector?).

The students who came to these seminars were straight out of the song, “Oh Dovid I sent you this letter.” True to the lyrics of the song, they’d tell us, “at home I keep wearing my kippah / my friends make me feel like a fool.” Many of these kids, however, overcame the negativity of their family and friends and raised beautiful observant families.

During this period of kiruv work in Australia, one of our local rabbis — who was connected to Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis of blessed memory and her international Hineni movement — organized a special concert. It was a combined Counterpoint seminar reunion and an evening of chizuk for kids. At the time I was an educator (as I still am) at Moriah College, and I was fortunate to sing the famous song “Oh Dovid” along with musical accompaniment by kids on the guitar and piano.

On the morning of the performance, I woke up with a bit of a hoarse voice. I kept drinking herbal teas to soothe my throat, and then up I went onstage to belt out the “Oh Dovid” song, with all its emotions. At the end of the song, I didn’t get a standing ovation — but miraculously I did get my voice back!

The JEP songs filled our camps, shabbatons, and homes with pure musical joy. Thank you!

Uncle Velvel

Down-under entertainer and educator,

Sydney, Australia

Very Real Challenges [Running Against the Grain / Issue 964]

I would like to thank Yonoson Rosenblum for the most inspirational feature about Oliver Ferber’s strongly principled stand for shemiras Shabbos. Great credit, too, to your editorial team for selecting his picture for the front cover.

The interview beautifully illustrates the very real challenges faced by those adolescents who choose to grow in their Yiddishkeit and negotiate their way through complex dilemmas without antagonizing those around them whom they both continue to love and respect.

This was Torah true journalism at its very best — without patronizing the subject, who was given free rein to tell the story in his own emesdig words.

The publication of Oliver’s story in this manner will undoubtedly inspire others to grow and be mezakeh es harabim.

Mark Goldwater

Beit Shemesh

To Reach His Full Potential [Running Against the Grain / Issue 964]

As a fellow Marylander, it was interesting to read about sportsman Oliver Ferber’s steadfast, growing Torah observance. Your readers should know that this trail was blazed approximately 20 years ago by Baltimorean Tamir Goodman, a TA student and nationally acclaimed basketball player who was called the “Jewish Jordan” in a front-cover feature of Sports Illustrated. Tamir, throughout his professional life, both on and off the court, has been a proud observant Jew, no matter what the obstacles.

However, for me, as the vice chairman of the board of the Orthodox Union, it was even more heartening to read of the great impact NCSY has had on Oliver’s religious growth, and the realization by his parents that Oliver may choose to go to an excellent secular college and continue that religious journey to full observance.

JLIC, the foremost program in supporting Orthodoxy for Jewish college students, is on 24 campuses. I am proud of Oliver’s accomplishments and am sure that NCSY and JLIC will continue to help him — and thousands more young people like him — reach their full potential of observant Jewish life. The OU strives to support and nurture the growth of Jewish youth of all backgrounds. Oliver is one shining example. Kol hakavod!

Barbara Lehmann Siegel

Silver Spring, Maryland

The Post-Chuppah Shiur [The Moment / Issue 964]

Your article “Living Higher” about a wedding in Toronto was very interesting. The writer mentioned how all of the nightly daf yomi participants in Rav Yoir Adler’s shiur did not want to miss the shiur but wanted to attend the wedding as well. Therefore the shiur was held immediately after the chuppah so everybody got the best of both worlds.

There is a very popular daf yomi shiur in Har Nof given by Rav Nachum Borowski, and we participants came up with this solution more than 25 years ago. At almost every chasunah of a member of the shiur, there has been a daf yomi shiur immediately after the chuppah in the wedding hall, and in almost every case, the baal simchah supplied a bottle of schnapps.

It would be great if this were adopted more widely. Kol hakavod!

Nachum Katz

More Credit [The Moment / Issue 963]

Regarding your remarks on page 56 in praise of Rav Shmuel Yehuda Levin ztz”l of Chicago, you remarked that he was “a visionary who foresaw it all.” I beg to differ, since I personally remember Rav Levin, Rav Keller, and Rav Schmelczer before they left for Chicago. Why should a visionary get so much credit? If they managed to envision all these great happenings, it’s no wonder they wanted to be an integral part of it.

To anyone who knew the state of Torah learning at the time, the chances of it taking root in Chicago would have seemed very poor. But they forged on anyway, even if the “vision” for the future was less than promising.

The true story is that these rabbanim did not foresee it at all, since Yiddishkeit was in free fall in those years. Despite the terrible outlook, they went to teach the Telzer derech and relay Torah to the few who would learn.

This is a much higher madreigah and reflects a greater level of love of Torah and Hashem — which they indeed had and used, despite the dour outlook.

Haskell Goldberg

A Bit Too Easy? [There is Another Way / Issue 963]

I would first like to thank you for your very well-run and informative family magazine. I know Mishpacha has an extremely wide and diverse readership base that spans all ages. I therefore would like to make a point in regard to the recent article about divorce mediation.

I was struck with deep concern and strong discontent. While certain religions prohibit divorce, the Torah delineates specific instances of when divorce is permitted, warranted, or even outright prohibited (see Gittin 90b). The Rashba (teshuvah) points out the reason that Chazal did not institute a brachah before a get is that “many gittim are given under prohibited circumstances.”

As a reader of the article, I was well-informed about the easy and financially feasible divorce mediation process — which certainly serves a purpose when divorce is the inevitable and permitted halachically. However, the option of a quick, easy, sleek and inexpensive mediation process is potentially very dangerous.

Seemingly, the divorce process done through mediation seems to be able to start without the “supervision” or “haskamah” of a competent rav or rosh yeshivah advocating the necessity and dire need for the divorce in the first place. One of the so called “advantages” of mediation is to begin the divorce process on one’s “own terms,” without any rav, beis din, or marriage therapist leading the way.

While admittedly many if not most couples who seek out mediators would be deemed by a rav as warranting a divorce, there most certainly are couples out there who are thinking along the lines of divorce, and after being told of the easy, inexpensive, and pain-free mediation process, they may see the divorce option as a very viable and realistic option. Clearly the more readily available an option is, the more often it will be sought out.

I therefore wonder how a mediator can make the move of beginning the divorce process without first having a reputable rav giving the “go ahead” signal. One idea may be to have some sort of responsible third party — for example, a beis din, rabbanim, or at the very least a reputable marriage therapist — serve as the bridge to a potential mediator.

Rabbi Menachem Cohen

Brooklyn, NY

Betzalel Rothstein of Shalom Family Mediation responds:

Thank you for your insightful letter. For as long as I have been a practicing mediator and divorce coach, I cannot think of even a single instance when I was approached by a couple where at least one spouse was an emesdig yerei Shamayim and the couple had not already tried to save their marriage by way of intervention by either their family rav, a therapist, or both.

Furthermore, I speak with every couple about how difficult it can be to live as a single parent and how difficult divorce is for the children. I explain to them that even when the divorce is mediated and is negotiated with dignity and respect, it is still a major life decision and upheaval, and does not come without great cost to all involved. With Hashem’s help, I have had some success in helping repair their marriages rather than giving them an easy path to divorce.

When a couple goes to a mediator, the mediator does not rush to arrange for a get to be given at the beginning of the mediation process, but rather only at the end of the process, when the couple has reached their final decisions about the divorce. Even then, very often the couple selects the rav to be mesader the get rather than the mediator, and ultimately the rav still retains the final word as to whether or not a get should be given.

As to your concerns that mediation can begin without the haskamah of a rav, this very same concern exists with respect to litigation as well. In fact, the concerns regarding the litigation process are even greater because of the potential for a spouse’s attorney to open a case through arkaos (secular court) without a heter. To the best of my knowledge, matrimonial attorneys do not ask a client to present their heter arkaos before filing a case on their behalf.

The reality is that there is no such thing as a “quick and easy divorce.” But there is such a thing as a Torahdig divorce. A Torahdig divorce minimizes lashon hara and sinas chinam, and emphasizes kavod habriyos and kibbud av v’eim. This outcome is achievable only through mediation, and not through litigation.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 966)