When we’re in the healthy zone, the “gratitude zone,” we live in flow with others

Powerful Shift

Sara Eisemann

One of the most powerful shifts we can make in life is from conveying shame to conveying gratitude.

I`m sorry I can`t do more, Thank you for understanding I`m at full capacity.”

I`m sorry I’m so slow, Thank you for being patient.”

I`m sorry for being a burden, Thank you for being supportive.

I`m sorry I got so emotional, thank you for giving me a safe place to vent.”

When we move into the shame zone, we shrivel up and try to shrink ourselves to take up the least amount of space possible. Our perceived unworthiness leads us to feel we have to apologize for our very presence, all the more so for our needs.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have arrogance. We have an inflated sense of self (which is often to compensate for feeling small, but that’s a discussion for another day…),  and insist on our right to take up a lot of space, demanding that both our needs and wants be prioritized.

When we’re in the healthy zone, the “gratitude zone,” we live in flow with others. We recognize we’re a significant piece of the puzzle called humanity. We recognize that we do and should take up some space, and we take it with respect for the others around us.

We apologize only if we have invaded someone else’s space, not for taking up our own space. We don’t apologize for existing and for having needs. We acknowledge our limits and offer ourselves the compassion of knowing that we’re doing the best we can with the tools we have at that moment.

When we occupy that healthy place, an interesting thing happens. People are drawn to us. And are happy to reciprocate in kind.

In the “shame zone,” we see our deficiencies and judge ourselves for it. In the gratitude zone, we embrace our humanity and give permission to ourselves — and by extension to others — to be striving, struggling humans. We recognize that some days (or weeks or months), we’re not going to be operating at peak capacity, and we accept that as part of the human condition, looking to those around us to help us through it. We create an environment in which people raise each other up.

When we shift from shame to gratitude, we convey on a deep level that we’re worthy, and people are drawn to worthiness. Simultaneously we also convey their worthiness.

When we extend gratitude, we empower those around us to see themselves as givers. They become bestowers of patience, compassion, support, and safety. They have an opportunity to be G-dlike and see themselves as such. We allow others to see their beauty when they rise up to the challenge and emulate Hashem.

And finally, when we move out of self-judgment, we free ourselves to work at and be at our best. Did you ever notice how long it takes to button a button when someone is waiting for you and you feel stupid that you can’t get it buttoned? Yeah, about twice as long as it takes when you slow down and tell yourself, “I got this.”

So take the time, take a deep breath, and take the step out of the zone of conveying shame, and into the zone of conveying gratitude. And the next time you’re about to say, “I’m sorry,” see if you can say, “Thank you” instead.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

If You Try and Try Again — You Might Need More Help!

Zipora Schuck

When a child or student doesn’t fill our expectations, like reading fluently or paying attention or completing a task, we often react in frustration. If they would only try harder!

We’ve seen them do it some of the time, and we assume the only reason they aren’t succeeding more consistently is because they aren’t exerting enough effort. The adult assumes that achievement is a function of the child’s free will, and in the absence of that achievement tends to blame the child. But the attitude of, “If you would only try harder,” is both judgmental and inaccurate at the same time.

Think of someone who must wear contact lenses or glasses in order to see clearly. If the person is awakened in the middle of the night for something urgent, she can squint and make do for a short period of time. But could she function effectively for an entire day without her lenses or glasses?

No, because the effort required to sustain the squinting would be too great.

The same is true with some children and some tasks. Some of the time, children can rally themselves to complete a job, meet an expectation, focus their attention, or produce academically. But there may be another reason that prevents them from being successful all the time, and that isn’t just a lack of motivation.

When a child’s performance is consistent only in its inconsistency, that’s a call for an adult to step in and examine what is needed. Einstein said the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Telling children to try harder is doing just that.

Perhaps she needs to try softer, not harder, while receiving necessary support. Perhaps he needs to try smarter, not harder, by utilizing a modification or accommodation or a different modality or method. Perhaps they need adults to help them try, by scaffolding and guiding, because whatever they were trying until now wasn’t effective.

The gemara in Megillah (6b) teaches us “Yagati u’matzasi, ta’amin — if someone tells you I worked hard and found success, believe him.”

Only with maximum effort and Hashem’s support will we be successful. Maximum effort for children includes adults helping them find this efficacy.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

Permission to Feel

Shira Savit

WE typically associate emotional eating with an effort to avoid or respond to negative feelings or unpleasant emotions such as stress, anxiety, fear, sadness, loneliness, etc.

Interestingly enough, emotional eating can also stem from unwillingness to contain positive emotions, such as joy, love, confidence, excitement. Some of us have a limited capacity or emotional tolerance for positivity.

There are myriad reasons why we might have a hard time embracing the good, ranging from fear of disappointment (not wanting the good to go away); insecurities (“I don’t deserve to feel good” or “I’m not worthy of love”); fear of vulnerability (intense positive emotions involve a sense of openness and deep connection to one’s inner world, or to another person, sometimes unfamiliar or not comfortable for women); or previous painful or challenging life circumstances (negative emotions may feel more familiar to us than joy).

When we feel overwhelmed by the depth of these emotions, we may use food to suppress these feelings. The food brings us down to a lower, or more comfortable temperature of happiness. Emotional eating serves as a temporary sense of comfort, and has a calming sensory and physiological effect, which distracts us from feeling the depth of these uncomfortable positive emotions.

If we identify with this pattern, we can remind ourselves: This doesn’t mean something is wrong with me. This kind of emotional eating can serve as an impetus for us to explore our feelings more deeply and ask: What is holding me back from feeling the extent of my joy? Why is it hard for me to feel the good? Am I fearful of disappointment?

Asking these types of questions can lead us to more awareness and personal growth, allowing us to deeply experience the full array of positivity our lives offer.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 847)