D ear Auntie

One of the disadvantages of living out of town is that I don’t get to see the extended family frequently. On the positive side this makes each visit special and memorable. I eagerly look forward to every trip to my hometown.

I love to meet with the cousins my age and catch up on their lives in real time. It’s hard to get a true picture of what everyone is up to with phone calls Skype and snail mail. Often I’m unaware of changes that have taken place in the lives of various relatives. However when I come in for a long-awaited visit I’m able to observe shifts that occurred incrementally which went unnoticed by those closer to the scene. Family dynamics have vastly altered kids seem to have grown up overnight and worry lines and gray hair have worked their way onto what I recall as young faces.

Last time I was in for a simchah time constraints didn’t allow my family to take the hour drive out to your home. As the simchah was not on your side of the family it looked like I might not get to see you at all. Then Savta excitedly informed me “Uncle Chaim is driving in with the kids for a family dinner!”

Auntie’s not coming? I thought with disappointment. I guess she can’t leave her father for so long. (From what I’ve gathered via the grapevine he’s been much more medically fragile since his last hospitalization.) It must be really challenging for Auntie to be so tied down now that her father lives with her.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear your voice greeting Savta as she opened the door. “I have the more competent aide with my father for the evening ” you commented by way of explanation.

The time flew by as I tried to catch up with all your children. It was amazing how I could have a stimulating conversation with the big kids. I remembered them as little children just interested in playing and trying to wheedle nosh out of Savta. Now they were so mature.

There was something else I noted that couldn’t be entirely chalked up to maturity. Your children who had always been well- mannered were now an amazing example of derech eretz. When we were sitting and schmoozing on the couch Savta walked in to join us. Although there were plenty of seats available your oldest immediately jumped up and offered his place. I wondered how he’d picked up such a level of sensitivity uncommon even in adults.

Later when it was cleanup time the younger kids obeyed quickly without any attempts at dumping the job on someone else or procrastinating. I was amazed. My siblings would do well with such training. How in the world did Auntie accomplish that?

I glanced around to find you and finally noticed you in a quiet corner busy with your phone. After texting rapidly you rejoined the group. You explained that the aide kept texting you and you felt you had to respond since seemingly small issues can be serious if not dealt with appropriately.

Suddenly I realized I was seeing the missing piece of the puzzle. It’s clear to me that your children’s exceptional behavior is the outcome of your devoted care of your father. They hear you talk to him with love and respect and notice how his comfort and happiness are always upmost in your mind. They see you do so even when it’s tough. And as all children do they imitate you. Using you as a role model your children have perfected their derech eretz.

I recalled a quote from Rabbi Paysach Krohn I’d seen in Mishpacha. He’d said time spent caring for elderly parents wasn’t neglecting one’s children but being mechanech them in the mitzvah of kibbud av v’eim. When I look at your children Auntie and the way they’ve grown this past year I understand exactly what he means.

Love

Your Admiring Niece

(Originally featured in Family First Issue 543)