Tension sometimes erupts between well-meaning bochurim and the decent human beings they wish to transform into philanthropists

At Ballot Box, we’re all about keeping the peace. When tempers begin to simmer, we put on our mediation caps and work our magic to secure a peaceful resolution. So as Purim approaches, our antennae are on high alert for the tension that sometimes erupts between well-meaning bochurim and the decent human beings they wish to transform into philanthropists.

Here are several of our best attempts to help bring both sides to a meeting of minds. Bochurim, if you do better this year, let us know!

Say It in Song

Music can go a long way. Try these lyrics, adapted to the tune of Abie Rotenberg’s “Teardrop.”

In a brand-new Tesla

Somewhere in the city

A story of magic unfolds

Ten homes were purchased

Off of a banker

And five minutes later were sold

Chorus

And now there’s a brand-new gvir

And that is the reason why we are here

“Where has my Purim gone,”

He says with a sigh

As he tries to step over another drunk guy

Fight or Flight

Boys, everyone is more than happy to give you money. It’s not your cause that gives them hesitation, it’s the carpet. Or front lawn. And, let’s be real, you can’t exactly blame them, can you?

We’re excited to introduce this very novel concept that will allow you to knock on doors without knocking on floors: helicopter rappelling! Look out this Purim for tiger-costume-clad teenagers descending from the heavens in harnesses, dangling back and forth in front of a set of mahogany doors. But boys, do watch out. Research has shown that tigers climbing into helicopters run a high risk of dropping rectangular shaped pieces of paper. That would be a shame, wouldn’t it?

Call on the Carpet

Here’s a suggestion for the would-be donors. Each year, you get aggravated again as drunk boys storm into your home and trash your Persian carpets. But, wait. Stop. Can you just listen to yourself for a minute? Your Persian carpet gets trashed on Purim and you think that’s a coincidence? My friends, you underestimate the depth of our esteemed bochurim. They simply wish to obliterate the Persians, just as their ancestors did so many years ago, and the closest thing they can attack is the carpet. In your house. So we’re not looking to shift blame, but the horrible mess on your floor is kinda your fault.

This year, remove all rugs hailing from southwestern Asia, and watch the bochurim delicately dance on your French carpets, before accepting your donation with noble grace and gentlemanly finesse.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 950)