L ife is stressful. We live in a fast-paced world; every day every interaction presents difficulties on various fronts. There are physical pressures spiritual pressures issues within relationships — and within ourselves. What’s the secret to success in surmounting all these challenges?

The middah of savlanus encompasses all the components necessary for succeeding in life. Typically we think of savlanus as patience. Yet Rav Shlomo Wolbe in Alei Shur (Chelek Alef) describes savlanus as endurance — the ability to withstand and go onward. He presents an analogy of a man straining under a large burden on his back. Step after step he continues on his way without stooping to cast off his sack.

This middah encompasses the mundane challenges of life as well as the greater test of personal conflicts and struggles. The savlan can withstand being stuck in traffic despite knowing he’s running late. A true savlan can even eradicate that tension by switching the mood and humming as he waits out the bottleneck. How does he do it?

Three Tiers of Tolerance

The Gemara in Shabbos (78b) relates the greatness of those possessing this middah: “Those who are shamed and do not shame; they hear their disgrace and do not respond; they do so out of love and are happy in their suffering. About those it says (Shoftim 5:31): ‘Those who love Him are like the sun when it goes forth in its might.’ ”

The sefer Chovos Ha’adam B’olamo says that the above gemara presents three stages within the trait of savlanus.

The first level is: “Those who are shamed but do not shame back.”

Human nature is such that we naturally want to respond in kind when we’re shamed. It takes humility to rise to the occasion and respond kindly without malice. A person may defend himself against the slurs thrown in his direction but he’ll do so pleasantly with equanimity.

The Golden Goal of Silence

The second level describes: “Those who hear their disgrace and do not answer back.”

This level requires a greater measure of self-control. This person refuses to allow his emotions to formulate any response — instead he swallows the humiliation in silence.

Rav Meir Chodosh once said “A person must be prepared to swallow nails rather than answer back.” What a painful concession. Yet without pain there’s no gain. A person who can control himself in such a manner is actually building these muscles — and they’ll become stronger with such exercise. Eventually he’ll reach the level of iron control that’s exhibited by a real baal middos.

To illustrate this Rav Chodosh relates an incident that happened to him as a young bochur when he was studying in the original Chevron yeshivah founded by the Saba MiSlabodka Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel ztz”l. He was walking in the streets of Chevron with the Saba when some Arab youths began to curse and spit at them. Rav Meir in his youthful pride and vigor shouted back at them until they ran away.

To his surprise the Saba admonished him quietly and succinctly “This was not the way of a ben Torah. A ben Torah does not respond.”

The message of the Saba is one that merges humility and dignity to deflect the natural middah of anger with self-discipline. This reflects the mesorah from the Alter MiKelm: the belief that a person possesses incredible potential but he must labor to actualize it to become a great ben Torah.

Let’s dispel any skepticism that remaining silent transforms a person into a “doormat.” Chovas Ha’adam quotes the Chofetz Chaim who says “On the contrary! One doesn’t absorb the shame allowing resentment to build. Rather he gets rid of it. He works to resolve the dispute so that there is true shalom between him and others.”

A Labor of Love

One would think that absorbing and resolving the shame is the highest level of avodah. However there’s still one step further: “They do so out of love and are happy in their suffering.”

This is the highest form of savlanus. Instead of anger or frustration at the insult the person embraces the challenge with acceptance and happiness! He rejoices in the embarrassment knowing that every messenger of suffering is put into our lives to help us grow. As such there’s no room for resentment at all.

What’s interesting to note is that children accomplish this more easily than adults.

Rabbi Y. Y. Jacobson quotes the Tzemach Tzedek saying “Children choose being happy over being right.” Perhaps the root of children’s acceptance doesn’t come from complete understanding of Hashem’s plan but simply because they choose love over anger. They realize the cost of wallowing in resentment and grudges and choose not to.

Sadly as we mature we tend to choose being right over being happy. This makes our lives stressful and often destroys bonds with those we love most.

Practically Patient

Rav Wolbe encourages a person to dedicate a certain amount of time each day to work on this middah of savlanus.

My sisters and I have been learning weekly the sefer Erech Apayim by Rav Avraham Yellin (translated into English by Chana Toby Friedman). We’re using this as an opportunity to bond and hopefully bring nachas to our father Rav Shimon Zev ben Yeshayahu z”l.

Our father z”l was the epitome of a savlan. He’d chauffer his four daughters from store to store patiently waiting in the car with a sefer while we debated discussed and delayed. If faced with disappointing or disparaging behavior from others he’d shoulder it with nary a complaint or an ounce of resentment. This is savlanus in all its glory.

In learning this sefer we’ve found many exercises to refine this middah within ourselves.

Essentially the core of savlanus seems to be emunah. If one receives a painful letter in the mail would he get angry at the mailman for delivering it? So too when we feel hurt by another we shouldn’t succumb to the pettiness of anger; rather we should view that person as a messenger from Hashem.

To internalize this we need to send messages to our brain training ourselves to think: “I know this is good for me.” “Thank You Hashem for sending me kapparah through this individual.” “Overcoming my anger will bring me closer to You.”

Another good tip is strengthening the middah of judging others favorably. Let’s try to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes to understand why he may have acted in such a manner. When presented that way we realize that we can never fully understand another’s tests and difficulties and therefore we can forgive him for hurting us.

Rabbi Hanoch Teller always describes our interactions within relationships as “opening a book to Chapter Two.” Chapter One will always be closed and therefore someone else’s world is a mystery to us that isn’t meant to be solved.

Another practical tip is contained within the Igeres HaRamban. The Ramban urges all to read his letter at least once a week. Stated there is simple advice but difficult in its execution: Practice staying calm!

Lastly we can never underestimate the power of tefillah even regarding our own work of refining our middos. Daven for Heavenly assistance to conquer this middah and ask Hashem to help us emulate His ways.

May He always be patient with us as we strive to grow.

Rebbetzin Aviva Feiner is the rebbetzin of Congregation Kneseth Israel (The White Shul) and menaheles of Machon Basya Rachel Seminary both in Far Rockaway New York. If you have any comments or questions on this column please contact fundamentals@mishpacha.com