There are times we have to compromise, even if we know that what our children want to do is wrong

“And the matter pleased me; so I took twelve men from you, one man for each tribe.” (Devarim 1:23)

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rom Moshe’s words describing the matter of the Meraglim, it appears that Moshe felt it was a good idea to send spies while Hashem did not (Sotah 34b). Yet we know that Hashem gave His consent for the expedition and actually selected the very spies who would later rebel against His will. So why does it not seem that way from the pasuk? (Rabbi Dovid Sochet )

Mommy knows best. Mommy knows best. I let the mantra fill my head, allowing it to drown out the chaos of the shoe store packed with harried mothers and cranky kids. I bit my tongue to keep the words from coming out of my mouth, and attempted one more time to get Yitzy to see reason. “Zeeskeit, you can’t even get those shoes onto your feet. How do you expect them to fit?”

Yitzi’s face was red from exertion, as he attempted to get his wide foot to slide into the narrow-toed style.

“I just need a shoe horn,” he panted.

The salesman, desperate to make a sale, ran to bring a huge full-length shoe horn that was almost taller than Yitzi himself. Grappling with the ungainly thing (I was busy meditating with my mantra), Yitzi danced on one foot while pulling, prodding, and probably praying for the shoe to cooperate. With a gasp, his foot slid in.

“Now the next one!”

We must conclude that Hashem knew the people simply were not ready to accept His denial of their request. Had Moshe returned from Hashem with a negative response, the nation would have concluded that Moshe didn’t understand Hashem’s will. They would have sent the spies anyway, in defiance of Hashem’s order, convincing themselves that this was what Hashem wanted. Had Klal Yisrael been on a high enough spiritual level to accept Hashem’s refusal, He would have definitely said not to send the spies, but since He understood they weren’t ready to accept His decision wholeheartedly, He didn’t refuse their request.

The noise level was deafening and I knew any spiel I gave to try to convince Yitzi of the folly of his ways would be drowned out in the cacophony. All my boys needed Shabbos shoes for our upcoming chasunah and I wanted Yitzi to be happy with his choice. I knew if I insisted he not buy these shoes, he’d listen — but he’d be disappointed.

I watched as he went through the same maneuvers with the second shoe and finally managed to wiggle it on. My mantra was gaining momentum, but still I gave logic one more chance.

From this incident, we can deduce an important lesson in chinuch. There are times when children desire something that their parents deem inappropriate. Our parental intuition tells us to be firm, lay down the law and prohibit it. After all, we have a requirement to be mechanech our children! But is this the best approach, especially if we know that they won’t take our advice anyway? From the Meraglim we understand that there are times we have to compromise, even if we know that what our children want to do is wrong.

The Gemara (Yevamos 65b) says: “Just as it is a mitzvah to say words that will be accepted, it is also a mitzvah not to say words that will not be accepted.”

“Yitzi, how do you think you’re going to get your shoes on every time you need to go to shul on Shabbos? And what about dancing at the chasunah? Don’t you think these are going to hurt your feet?

“Not at all!” He orchestrated a quick tap dance, thrilled with his new look.

“Well, these are going to be your shoes for a while now,” I warned him. “If they do end up hurting you, I can’t do anything about it.”

He continued to prance, oblivious to my warnings of gloom and doom. So I hushed my mantra and resigned myself to letting him learn his lesson, even if it had to be the hard way.

One small step in pain, one giant leap for this future man.

 (Originally featured in Family First, Issue 804)