To listen means to focus solely on the one communicating to the exclusion of everything else. Including our response

I Hear You

Sara Eisemann

I hear.

Two tiny words. It’s almost comical how difficult it can be to say them.

We often confuse hearing someone with agreeing with them. So the words become hard to say. And that’s a shame, because that’s all we really want: to be truly heard and deeply understood.

In order to truly hear the other, we must actively listen. We sometimes confuse hearing and listening, without understanding that the first is an involuntary physiological response to sound, and the second is an active choice to truly receive what the other is offering.

To listen means to focus solely on the one communicating to the exclusion of everything else. Including our response.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply,” Stephen Covey points out.

When we do this, we’re focused on ourselves, not on the one speaking. We’re busy filtering the information through our own biases. We’re busy trying to formulate a brilliant and pithy response — or a quick way to end the conversation. We’re busy with our ego, not with the person in front of us. We’re not receiving the other; we’re simply tossing the conversational ball right back. And in the process, we miss the rich opportunity for meaningful connection and healing.

If you’ve ever had the experience of being deeply listened to, you know there is little in the world that compares to that sense of worthiness. Actively listening to someone gives the undiluted message of their importance. What you say, think, and feel is important because you are important.

Paradoxically, active listening is both receiving and giving at the same time. By deeply receiving the other, you are giving them the greatest gift.

How to listen well:

Before you start, be fully present. Whether you’re on the phone or in person, settle yourself in both physically (get comfortable) and emotionally (clear your head). Put your phone away. Give the person — especially if it’s your child or spouse — your full attention.

1. Be neutral and nonjudgmental.
2. Be patient. Don’t rush in to fill silences. Those spaces can be where the most important work happens. That silence is about the person and their process, not you and your brilliance.
3. Provide verbal and nonverbal feedback to show signs of listening (e.g., smiling, eye contact, leaning in, mirroring). Pay close attention to what evokes more response from the one talking. Some people respond well to intermittent “uh-huh”s and “hmm,” while others prefer to experience your attention in nonverbal ways.
4. Ask open-ended questions. “Do you have any brothers?” gets you a yes or a no. “Tell me about your family” can open a rich vein of conversation (and maybe a can or two of worms).
5. Reflect back what’s said. Let the person know you really heard them by repeating what they said.
6. Ask for clarification.
7. Summarize.

Listen to understand. And then you will truly hear.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW,ACSW, is a licensed therapist, certified Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

The Voice of Victory

Shira Savit

"When I follow my plan, I feel amazing, and when I don't, I feel like a failure. I can’t stand this rollercoaster. What should I do?”

My advice: celebrate your successes.

As human beings, we’re bound to have ups and downs, progress and setbacks — not only with our eating, but in many aspects of life.

The Voice of Victory can help us navigate these natural fluctuations. By focusing on our victories, we can begin to feel like champions, regardless of our slips.

When we identify victorious moments in which we did make good choices, we build this Voice. For example, we start paying attention to the time we put down the chips while munching — instead of finishing the entire bag. Or when we slowed down during a rushed supper; or the time we didn’t lick the bowl while making our kids’ favorite cake. With this awareness, we can begin to develop a mental (or written) list of “victories.”

Focusing on victories doesn’t change our circumstances, yet changing our attitude can lead to changing our behaviors. At times, we’ll still be triggered and turn to food, we’ll still eat past the point of fullness, we’ll still eat the chocolate cake even though it’s not on our meal plan. However, equipped with our Voice of Victory, we’re no longer locked into feelings of failure or despair. For every “fall,” we’ve accumulated a list of many, many “wins.”

Next time the script suggests that we're failures, let’s hold up our personal record of victories, and wear our badge of success triumphantly. Success breeds more success.

What’s YOUR Voice of Victory? I'd love to hear.

Shira Savit is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

Don’t Jump into Debt

Sara Glaz

Often in life, we need to stop overthinking and jump in. When it comes to debt, though, take the opposite approach. Some debt may be “good,” such as a mortgage, or “unavoidable,” such as unforeseen medical expenses. Often, however, debt is simply a mistake. Before taking on debt, stop and ask yourself:

Do I have a rock-solid way to pay back this loan?

Does paying interest on this money make sense?

Will this course of action ultimately leave me better off?

Sara Glaz is an investment advisor and financial planner at The Munk Wealth Management Group in Cedarhurst, New York.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 773)