Going through the 12 Steps is the most painful, most difficult, and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. It’s not a magic fix, it’s a way of life.

Addiction upends lives, derails homes, and destroys futures. but when an addict reaches out for help, and does the grueling work of breaking free, he can become a shining example of courage and growth. Two addicts and the spouse of one speak about their journey

Hadassah’s Story

I grew up in a big community, a middle child nestled between two older sisters and two younger brothers. I went to the same mainstream Bais Yaakov as my sisters, and my parents figured I’d thrive the same way they had: drama head, straight As, etc.

But that’s not how things panned out. I struggled in school, and my grades were weak. In retrospect, I think my lack of academic success impacted my self-esteem from an early age. There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse that happened as well, which added to my already low self-esteem.

By the end of high school, I was hanging out with the wrong crowd. They were the fun-loving type, and they accepted me with open arms. They also had all sorts of ways of making pain disappear. I started by joining them at clubs and parties, which quickly turned into drinking and getting high. Of course, it was all a big secret. At home I was shomer Shabbos, dressed appropriately and played the part, but I was living a double life.

When I was 20, I took a ski trip with a bunch of friends and had a bad fall. I was prescribed opioid pain killers. It didn’t take long for me to become addicted to the opioids. I wanted to stop, but I had no idea how to wean myself off them. I couldn’t keep food down. My addiction was taking over my life.

I’ve always been a person with a strong drive to give. I know I was put on this earth to help others and be that rock of support for people, but at this point I was unable to; I couldn’t even help myself.

My parents saw what was going on. Though they didn’t know the details, they knew I was in a bad place. It was terrifying for them. I wouldn’t come home for days, and they didn’t know how to reach me. My life revolved around figuring out how to get my next high.

In a moment of clarity, I approached my parents and asked for help. They quickly reached out to some activists in the community and got me into a treatment center. Before I left, my mother helped clean out my room and found a lot of the things I was using at the time. It was a frightening discovery for her.

I knew nothing about the process of recovery. I didn’t know about detox, or therapy, or any of the foundations I’d need in order to live a completely sober life.

I entered into a program, but didn’t feel it was right for me. I went back home.

And relapsed instantaneously.

At the previous treatment facility, I’d started doing the 12 Steps, but not intensely because I hadn’t taken the process seriously. I still didn’t fully recognize the hold my addiction had over me. I figured it was like when you have to miss school because of the flu. Once you get over it, you jump back in and pick up where you left off.

I tried to get a job. But nothing was really working out because I wasn’t following a program of recovery, which is the key to health.

I thought I’d be okay.

I wasn’t.

I started using and doing things that were even worse for me than before. I fell into a really bad depression.

At the darkest point, some incredible individuals helped me up from the depths. One community activist saw that as far gone as I was, I was also desperate to change. Thanks to him I was able to enter another treatment facility. I wanted to live a normal life. I wanted to know what drove me down this path, to know why my addiction had me in its claws so strongly.

I went to a facility that had a kosher option for food and more of a Jewish environment. It was a warm place where the staff truly cared. They helped me work through many of the underlying issues I was dealing with. I did a lot of therapy, a lot of trauma work, a lot of delving into my childhood.

I realized that my underlying issues were the reason I didn’t have the self-esteem to leave the friends who’d brought me down. I recognized that a lot of my issues came from a broken inner child who needed to be healed, repaired, and loved. I learned not to be ashamed or feel guilty for the abuse I went through. I learned about boundaries and healthy communication. I also learned about codependency and how not to rely on others for my needs.

It was an amazing 35-day program. When it finished, I went to another facility to continue my care. It was a PHP (part-time hospitalization) program. There I continued to strengthen my spiritual connection. I’m a very spiritual person, and even at the height of addiction when wasn’t keeping many mitzvos, my core stayed the same; I craved that connection. It was a huge bonus for me that we had a rav who came in to run Shabbos meals and talk to us. I stayed there for four months.