Feeling unheard is one of the more painful experiences we can have with our spouses

Tune In

Abby Delouya

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ommunication breakdowns can happen even in the strongest of relationships. Feeling unheard is one of the more painful experiences we can have with our spouses. When we pour out our hearts to our spouse, or we share something that’s really important to us, only to be met with an “um-hmmm” or even a completely unrelated response, we may feel invisible, unimportant, or even stupid that we opened our mouths. There are few things that make us second-guess our communication faster than when we share vulnerably and it feels like it’s awkwardly hanging with nowhere to land.

There are physical, verbal, and emotional signs that clue us in that our listener has tuned out. The physical signs include lack of eye contact, body turned away/ arms crossed, or concrete distractions (by a phone, computer, book, or something else).

Verbal clues include frequent interruptions, uninterested noises, and no followup questions or genuine interest. Responding to sharing with an unrelated answer also shows a pretty obvious lack of engagement in the topic or willingness to speak about it.

Emotional clues that your listener has tuned you out can be the most painful; it’s when you feel unheard, dismissed, or outright ignored. Stonewalling, disparaging comments like, “Here we go again,” or “You’re so sensitive, why are we talking about this?” or sighing and eye rolling all point to emotional disconnection and poor communication.

There’s a difference between “hearing” and “listening” — hearing is a passive experience that involves the physical process of sound waves hitting your eardrums. Listening is active and intentional — it requires empathy, focus, engagement, and attunement to the emotions behind the words. And formulating a response in your head while you wait for the other person to finish speaking doesn’t qualify.

When a spouse does tune us out, it’s usually not coming from a mean place. A spouse’s stress or sense of overwhelm; a concurrent need to also share or decompress; their own triggers or anxiety; earlier, historical patterns of shut down due to frequent criticism, blame or conflict in childhood; or different communication styles may lead to tuning out. In addition, if you’re bringing up a topic that has any unresolved conflict or strong feeling associated with it, it may be harder for your spouse to be attuned to you with curiosity and openness.

Married life offers ample opportunity to both share and listen. When we’re on the listening end, how do we give our spouses the sense that we are truly listening?

If you feel distracted, stressed, or uninterested, share that it might not be the right time to open up a meaningful topic and suggest another time in the near future that you will be available to listen.

If your spouse calls you out for seeming uninterested, instead of getting defensive, ask them what they need to feel like you are more engaged. (If the answer is obvious, [cue: put away your phone] then apologize and put away whatever is distracting you.)

Try to really imagine your spouse’s experience and perspective.

Notice within yourself if you’re having difficulty tolerating your spouse’s emotions or experiences. If so, share that you want to be supportive but it’s hard to know how or what to do next due to your own emotional overwhelm.

Create a culture of communication: Take your own risks with vulnerable sharing.

Connected communication, like most good things in life, can take practice, hard work, and perseverance. Instead of turning away from each other if one person is tuning out, aim for repair and openness by trying again, sharing what feels supportive, and staying in the conversation.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. She’s also the Director of Intake and Care Management at Ray of Hope.

Hiding Behind Anger

Sara Eisemann

“There is grief in accepting that someone won’t change.” —Anonymous

Grief sometimes looks like anger or frustration. We have entire scripts written for the cast of characters in the drama of our life. We’ve memorized the lines we want our spouses to say, we have an image of the role we want our kids to play, and we have visions of the roles the supporting actors will play as well. Inherent in this dynamic is the belief that we are the authors of the manuscript and that we know how everyone should best play their part, especially with regard to pleasing us.

When any of the players go off script our immediate reaction can be to panic and get angry. I know best — why would anyone not follow my direction? Don’t they see the value and wisdom of my ways?

But scratching a little below the surface reveals that underneath the righteous indignation is a sense of loss. Every role we assign to the people in our circle reflects a value that is dear to us. If our children speak with chutzpah, it can feel like a denouncement of the importance we ascribe to respect, or even worse, a total rejection of the middos we tried to instill in them. When a spouse disappoints us with their avodas Hashem, it can shatter the dream we carried of building a Torahdig home. Every veer off our scripted path can feel like an incredible loss.

We don’t always know it. It hurts to touch that pain, so we stay with the anger that protects us from feeling it. We try to bully or coerce the offending party into getting back in character by rejection, distance, or outright yelling. When we realize that we can’t control others, there is an actual sense of loss.  But we would do ourselves and everyone around us a great service if we recognized that the anger is really grief at the perceived loss of a dream.  It would allow us to give space to our loved ones to be who they are and to follow their story, not ours.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

Don’t Forget to Pack…

Zipora Schuck and Devora Schuck

AS

you send your children off to sleepaway camp, don’t forget to send them with a toolbox of skills they can use if needed. One really important tool is the ability to cope with being homesick.

First, normalize their feelings. Let them know homesickness is a temporary and normal response to being in a new environment.

Second, plan how they will allow themselves to sit with their feelings. Perhaps they can let the tears flow in the shower or at night, after lights out. Alternatively, they can choose to share with a friend they’re comfortable with.

Explain that their feelings don’t have to take center stage. They can wait them out, or make them more manageable by borrowing a DBT tool called ICE.

I- stands for ice.  Splashing with cool water or holding ice cubes can lower the intensity of the homesick feelings.

C- stands for calm breathing. An easy to remember technique is 3+3=6. Take three breaths in through the nose, hold for three, and blow out through the mouth for a count of six. Deep breathing also helps slow down tears.

E- stands for exercise. Even running in place for a minute or a quick set of jumping jacks will help dispel some of the strength of difficult feelings.  Lastly, remind your child that if homesickness is interfering with their ability to eat, sleep, or participate in activities, it might be time to ask for more help from a trusted adult.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. Devora Schuck LCSW is a psychotherapist who treats anxiety and trauma in children, teens, and young adults.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 951)