Marriage takes work. A good marriage takes a good amount of work. A great marriage takes a great amount of work

Written with Zivia Reischer

Introducing...

Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier

In short

I’m a talmid of the Chofetz Chaim Yeshivah system and was a rebbi for high school bochurim for 15 years. At the request of the Rosh Yeshivah, Rav Henoch Leibowitz ztz”l, I’ve been saying the Shmuz (a hybrid traditional mussar shmuz and inspirational seminar) for about 20 years so far.

So you’re going to reveal the secret to a successful marriage?

It’s not a secret. What I’m going to share is an exploration of some of the most common issues couples struggle with. And yes, if a couple works on their marriage and implements these ideas, that will lead them to a happy, strong, fulfilling, and successful marriage.

How did a high school rebbi become a marriage counselor?

The Rosh Yeshivah had a vision to create an organization that would be an anchor for young working men who didn’t necessarily have a connection to a shul, yeshivah, or rav once their full-time yeshivah years ended. He asked me to start this organization. I began by giving the Shmuz, which was lightning rod to brings guys into the program. I found that since I was the “rebbi” in the lives of the Shmuz members, they naturally turned to me with their questions. As more members got married, their questions grew more complex, and I found myself learning everything I could about marriage and relationships in order to guide them.

What’s the aim of your new column?

With time and experience I started to notice that couples often do things that cause a lot of damage to their marriage without even realizing it. Once they see the negative impact, that understanding alone is often enough to spur a huge improvement in their relationship. They just need the information. My goal is to bring you that information.

What this column is:

This column will address some common scenarios and some common mistakes that even very smart couples fall into. The saddest part is they don’t even realize what they’re doing until someone points it out to them. That’s what I want to share — some of the most common mistakes that couples make, how to avoid them, and the tools we can all use to create strong, close, and happy marriages.

What this column isn’t:

This column isn’t a substitute for all the hard work that goes into making a marriage be what it should be — and what it could be. That’s totally up to you.

Marriage is the closest of all human relationships. It’s also the most rewarding of all relationships. It’s where you grow together as a couple, and grow into your best self. You want a marriage that’s strong, close, loving and fulfilling. Just reading this column is not going to be enough. Marriage takes work. A good marriage takes a good amount of work. A great marriage takes a great amount of work. But it is achievable. Your match was made in heaven — now it’s up to you to make the marriage.