What it’s like to be or host a ben bayis from both sides of the front door

W

hen at the age of 19 Chana moved from an out-of-town community in the Midwest to Lakewood for shidduchim, she was supposed to be there for just a year. Maybe two. Her first month there, she was invited to the Rubens, a large and bustling family just a few blocks away, for a Shabbos meal.

“I didn’t know you could click with a whole family,” said Chana, “but that’s what happened. I felt right at home, and the Rubens also felt at ease with having me as a guest. I quickly became a regular at their Shabbos table, and I was happy I had a relationship with a warm and caring nearby family for my ‘year’ in shidduchim. The joke was on me though, as I didn’t get engaged until six years later. In that time, I became a real bas bayis at the Rubens’, and they truly were my home away from home.”

Teenagers and young adults become bnei bayis in someone else’s home for a myriad of reasons, but more often than not, they’re doing so from a place of vulnerability. Just like Chana, they may be “adopted” by another family because they live far from their own family. Sometimes it’s because they’ve adopted the practices or hashkafos of a different stream of Yiddishkeit from that of the home they grew up in, or unfortunately, their own home is an emotionally toxic space, and it’s healthier for them to leave home.

When the Real Parents Stand Up

Not only was Chana from out-of-town, she also came from an extremely left-wing community, and her parents were unfamiliar with the world of shidduchim. Her mother would regularly call Mrs. Ruben and thank her for being so welcoming to her daughter, and after a while, included Mrs. Ruben in vetting prospective shidduch suggestions. “I never imagined asking another mother to help me make those calls, but I found myself unsure of what people really meant sometimes,” says Chana’s mother. “But my daughter was dating in a very yeshivish way, and I felt I wasn’t able to read between the lines, so I started asking Mrs. Ruben for her input.”

While Chana’s mother was appreciative of the open and welcoming home Chana had found for herself, not every parent is so thrilled when this happens.