We tend to see others as those with a problem, but sometimes we have a problem, too

"My mother is extremely reactive. If you say something that she perceives to be an insult, she flies off the handle. And she perceives almost anything as an insult.

“For example, I told her that I’ll bring my own food when we come to visit next time because I can’t eat what she cooks. She went nuts! I told her that her response was totally uncalled for. I can’t stand all the drama.”

We’re a strange species. We can see everyone except ourselves. We can see if someone “has a problem” but it’s much harder to identify our own weaknesses. This blindness can perpetuate dysfunction in our relationships. The woman in the scenario above can’t see how her remark about not being able to eat her mother’s food might have been insensitive.

Sure, she may require a special diet for health or other reasons. However, there are ways to say things so as not to be offensive. For example, “I’m on a special diet, and I don’t want to cause you any trouble, Mom. Would it be okay if I brought my own food? That way, you don’t have to worry about my special dishes.”

Mom does have some issues with frustration tolerance and cannot, despite her advanced years and supposed maturity, respond appropriately. The daughter then reprimands her as if she were the mother (and not a very skilled one at that). Again, the woman cannot see how her own behavior is problematic.

Here is another woman: “I’m a peaceful person. I get along with everyone. The only one I have trouble with is my husband.”

Yes, we’re all lovely people. Generally speaking, the only ones we don’t get along with are the ones who know us really well — our closest family members. Why is that? Often, we believe it’s because our loved ones “have a problem.”

In fact, not just one loved one, but rather all our loved ones often seem to have a problem. We, on the other hand, are perfectly normal and nice people. We’re the only ones who can see “the truth.”

Ironically, every family member sees themselves in the same way. “All the others are disturbed. I’m the only sane one here.” How can it be that each one of us is so certain of the veracity of our personal worldview? Why don’t we even entertain the idea that we may be the one with the problem?

Through Their Eyes

Our sages teach that we’re judged according to the yardstick we use for others. Determining that our closest relatives “have a problem” is not the most benevolent judgment of their behavior.

How would we like Hashem to look at us?

“My husband doesn’t remember birthdays and anniversaries, doesn’t buy me cards, flowers, chocolate, or jewelry. He didn’t see all that in his house growing up, and he just can’t wrap his head around this part of life.

I cried and tried a lot to get him to understand how important it was to me that I receive these perks, but after a decade — I guess I’m a slow learner — I realized that my bitterness wasn’t exactly the powerful instructor I intended it to be.

“I began to try to figure out what Hashem wanted me to learn. Then it dawned on me — this was about judgment! In that decade we had so many fights over this issue, and I called my husband a lot of unkind things.

“But then I realized that he was showing me plenty of attention and love in other ways — ways that he deemed important. For instance, he was very responsible with our money, insisting on purchasing insurance and investments for my long term well-being, making sure that we went on vacation often so that I would get much needed breaks, doing more than his share of housework so I could rest, and so on.

“I realized that my judgment was out of place. He has a blind spot when it comes to gift-giving, but he has a heart of gold. I have a blind spot when it comes to budgeting, but my kindhearted husband has never berated me for that, even though money management is so important to him.

I hope that both he and Hashem will forgive me for the harsh way I condemned the person who is truly my best friend in this world.”

When we can look at others with the understanding we grant ourselves, our relationships can transform.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 716)