Should I be pushing my sister to divorce her difficult husband?

Q:

My sister’s marriage has always been difficult. I wouldn’t call it abusive, and I know that her husband isn’t violent, but he’s definitely a difficult person, and I don’t think the two of them have ever had a happy relationship, or even felt especially close. When she complains about him, I always tell her that she doesn’t deserve this. I don’t understand why she’s still with him — and I know that my parents and siblings feel similarly.

But whenever I tell her that she deserves better, she pushes back. She admits that she and her husband don’t get along that well, but says that marriage is for life, even if you’re not happy together. She also says that if she were to divorce, she wouldn’t be any happier. “Who will take my sons to shul, make Kiddush and Havdalah, do my home repairs, mow my lawn, pick up the groceries, put gas in my car, financially support me if not my husband?” Besides, she’s added, there aren’t too many good men rushing to marry a divorcée with eight children, and she doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of her life.

Seeing my sister like this breaks my heart. She’s such a special, thoughtful person, and I can’t shake the feeling that she could be happier.

A:

Some marriages are easy — two mature, healthy individuals make a life together based on caring, cooperation, respect, responsibility, and kindness. They negotiate differences, work out compromises, find quick ways to bounce back from misunderstandings and mistakes and accept each other’s shortcomings with patience, forgiveness, and tolerance.

Nonetheless, even an “easy” marriage is never perfectly easy, just as an “easy” life is still challenging and sometimes extremely difficult.

Most marriages, in any event, don’t fall into the “easy” category. They’re more of a mixed bag. There are ups and downs of every kind: peaceful, happy periods and times of angry conflict; loving, connected moments and moments filled with rage, hurt, confusion, and despair. The marital team functions — they build a family, run a home, sustain themselves materially and spiritually — but not always smoothly or completely successfully. The average marriage is messy. Again, like life itself, it’s filled with contradictions: high hopes, shattered dreams, fulfillment, strife, satisfaction, joy, loss, disappointment, and grief.

And then there are the difficult unions. These experience higher levels of discord and/or more chronic distance or indifference. In other cases, a lack of responsibility, sensitivity, or mutuality may result in severe imbalances in the relationship. Sometimes there are personality issues or conditions that impact the marriage in intensely negative ways. Whatever the underlying causes, there will be more pain and less support, more friction and less emotional intimacy.

Difficult marriages, nonetheless, are marriages: homes among the homes of our people.

You Deserve Better

Judaism makes room for divorce. Unfortunately, there are marriages that just can’t be sustained and these are recognized by Jewish law, though rabbinic direction is required when that decision needs to be made.

However, we know that the 60 percent divorce rate of secular marriage simply points to a misunderstanding of what normal marriage is all about. The ideal marriage in Judaism is when a couple are “re’im ahuvim, beloved friends,” but even when this ideal hasn’t been reached, there are other possible perks to married life, each of which varies in importance according to the individual. Many people enjoy the opportunity to be a parent who lives with their children in the same home during all of the developmental years. Others enjoy the basic companionship, safety, assistance, and financial support that living with another adult may yield. Some just value fitting into the community as an intact normal family, while others value the extended family relationships that whole-family living provides.

It’s obvious that marriage is a complex relationship that offers many benefits. You and your family aren’t the only ones who consider the marital relationship itself as the only important factor — it’s a very common and natural error. But the best practice is to let every person assess their own situation, personal values and priorities; recommending divorce to someone is a weighty responsibility with serious ramifications. It’s easy to influence a person who is in an emotional and vulnerable state and therefore we need to exercise caution. Listen to her when she reaches out to you in distress; referring her for professional help may be the most helpful and safest option.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 984)