The words “loyalty” and “love” both start with the letter “L.” Take this as a hint: the two are somehow related! Certainly in the minds of many spouses these two words are virtually synonymous. “If you loved me you would take my side ” is a common sentiment. Loyalty demonstrates love and love demands loyalty.

The Loyalty Challenge

The new chassan and kallah both feel loyalty. Not to each other mind you. At this early stage of their relationship they are much more likely to feel loyalty to the dear parents who raised them. Their long-standing bond with their family of origin (compared to the fledgling bond with the new spouse) can create some challenging loyalty dilemmas.

Let’s look at a typical example. Young Yanky is sitting with his wife and new baby at his parents’ Shabbos table. Yanky’s mother suggests that the young couple leave the baby with her for an evening during the week so they can go out together for a much-needed break. Her offer is generous and Yanky is appreciative. His wife Ruthie however bristles. She has no desire to leave her baby with her mother-in-law. In fact she has no desire to leave her baby with anyone; she is happy to have the infant with her at all times.

She thanks her mother-in-law for the kind offer but declines; she doesn’t want to be apart from the baby just yet. Mother-in-Law is astounded. This sounds a tad unhealthy to her and she makes a tiny remark indicating her displeasure: “Well to each their own.” And the conversation ends.

Later that night when the couple has returned home a raging battle ensues. “Did you hear what your mother said to me?” Ruthie screams at her husband. “Did you hear how she mocked me? And you just sat there and said nothing! You never defended me at all. Your silence condoned her mistreatment of me and made me look like a fool! I can never forgive you for this.”

Poor Yanky doesn’t quite know what hit him. What did he do? Or not do? He’s confused. He doesn’t even remember his mother’s remark. “You’re imagining things” he says to his wife. “My mother would never insult you.” His response of course only adds fuel to the fire. Ruthie becomes even more hysterical. “You’re taking her side? You’re also implying that I’m crazy? Don’t you care about your wife?!” Ruthie slams the door as she marches off.

The Pain of Disloyalty

Let’s debrief the incident to find out what is bothering Ruthie so much. Here are the pertinent points to consider:

• Ruthie is still newly married. As such she is not yet fully secure in her relationship with her husband. It will take many more years before their bond is cemented with certainty.
• Ruthie understands nuances. Although her mother-in-law didn’t say all that much Ruthie comprehended the full meaning behind the words. (We humans can do that.) She read her mother-in-law’s disapproval quite accurately.
• Yanky loves his mom. He has a certain blind spot because of this. Also he’s a guy. Men are not always as sensitive to the nuances of emotional communications. He really didn’t process the underlying meaning of his mother’s words. To him her innocent remark was just that — an offhand comment with no agenda.
• Yanky is also newly married. He has no idea that his silence speaks volumes to his wife. He has no idea that he is supposed to verbally stand up for his wife whenever there is an expressed difference of opinion with others. He also does not yet fully comprehend his wife’s emotional sensitivity and is still in the stage of discounting her feelings and perceptions. (He’ll have to stop that soon or he will suffer the consequences intensely!)

The Cost of Disloyalty

Although incidents like this one may seem silly it only takes a very few of them — sometimes only one — to create a traumatic crack in the foundation of a marriage. Due to lack of knowledge and inexperience many couples make loyalty errors in their first year of marriage and then suffer the painful reverberations throughout all their future decades. Slow learners may repeat disloyalty blunders for years before they fully appreciate the cost.

To avoid needless suffering keep the loyalty/love connection front and center in your relationship. Support your spouse’s position when there is the slightest dissension from another person. “I trust Ruthie’s judgment” would have been the simple powerful statement that Yanky could have used. Insert your spouse’s name into that statement and use the phrase as required in your own relationship; experience the remarkable positive consequences firsthand!