When my older daughter contributes to my conversations with my younger children, I wonder — is it her place to do so?

Q:

I'm a mother of a large family. I’ve always tried to foster an atmosphere where children can ask me whatever they want, and I try to be open and honest in my responses. However, I try to filter the responses according to the emotional capacity and age level of the child asking the question. Recently, a teenager of mine mentioned something about drugs. Then my nine-year-old, who was in the room, wanted to know what drugs are. I gave him some accurate but basic information and left it at that. Then my well-read 20-year-old daughter decided to expand his knowledge with an in-depth explanation of addiction. A similar scenario happened when the same nine-year-old – who has a tendency to worry — asked me what cancer is. I gave him a basic explanation and emphasized that these days, many people survive cancer. Then my daughter decided to add a detailed explanation of how cancer cells mutate and overtake the body. I don’t think it’s my daughter’s right to “enlighten” the younger children when I am there, providing information that I consciously craft to fit their needs and personality. Can I ask her to stop this habit and if so, how?

A:

I can definitely see how annoying it is to carefully create a developmentally appropriate answer only to have your daughter thoughtlessly expose your kids to inappropriate “extras.”

But let’s imagine it was your husband who had decided to pipe in. If you were to ask him to refrain from speaking, how do you think he’d feel? I know there are certainly some people who would angrily think, “What? Do I need your permission to speak in my own home to my own child?”

Now I’m sure you’re thinking: “A husband is different. This is my daughter. Doesn’t a mother have the right to ask her daughter not to interfere in her parenting?” In this column I’ve pointed out that a daughter doesn’t have the right to tell her mother how to parent. But this isn’t exactly what we’re talking about here. Your daughter isn’t directly telling you what you should or shouldn’t say to your kids. She’s just chiming in on a conversation that is in progress.

Of course, this is precisely your objection. Your nine-year-old is asking you the question, not your daughter. What right has she got to jump in with her comments?

Let’s go back to the husband scenario for a moment. Suppose a child asks you, in the presence of your husband, if he can go to the park. If your husband answers the question (“No. It’s too close to dinner. Please play in the yard for now.”) you might complain to your husband that the child asked you and you’d prefer if he wouldn’t answer for you, as you’re fully capable of answering yourself. You would have a good point and hopefully your husband would recognize the validity of your complaint and adjust his behavior accordingly.

While the scenario might seem comparable to the one you’re raising, I want to point out that it is, in fact, very different. Your child asked you a question and you answered it. Only afterward did your daughter add her remarks. Again, the question is, should she be allowed to do that? Or should she be asked to refrain from spontaneously speaking to her brother?

Perhaps if you have an excellent relationship with this daughter and you pretty much leave her alone to make her own decisions and live her own life, you might be able to help her understand and respect your concerns concerning the education of your younger children. (Obviously, some things are inappropriate for a younger child, but I imagine your 20-year-old knows not to cross that line.)

Maybe she’d be happy to oblige, keeping her thoughts to herself in future similar scenarios.

But I have to be honest. I’m wondering if “control” issues may have come up before between you and your daughter — and possibly, you and others as well! You are, after all, trying hard to control what your younger kids are exposed to information-wise, as if, by counting out your words and carefully arranging them, you can ensure that your kids will never encounter competing ideas, misinformation, inappropriate information or any other disruptive force. As if you can lock them up in your protective bubble and ensure they will never speak to a friend at school, never even accidentally encounter the printed word in a family magazine, or never otherwise be exposed to ideas that you yourself have not carefully censured and communicated. As if you have that much control!

So yes, you can carefully explain your concerns to this daughter if you do have an excellent relationship with her, but even then, maybe you shouldn’t. And definitely don’t go there if your relationship is the least bit wobbly. Your daughter may feel suffocated, controlled, hurt, and rejected by your attempts to silence her spontaneous speech at home. I suggest that you just do your best in parenting and let Hashem take care of the rest.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 951)