Children-in-law can see things their spouses have become immune to triggering conflict — or growth

Tamara and Ephraim have been married for just eight months. Both are still very close to their families of origin and neither of them has the sense of marital “oneness” that they’ve heard so much about. They trust that this will come eventually and are patiently building their home one brick at a time. Today Tamara decides to kick a couple of bricks out of the foundation:

Tamara: You know your father’s an alcoholic right?

Ephraim: What? How dare you insult my father like that!

Tamara: Oh come on Ephraim. I see what goes on at shul and in your house and so does anyone who’s spent more than an hour with your family.

Ephraim: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Outsiders Looking In

Newcomers to a family have a unique perspective. They are like people who enter a building and can instantly smell its scent. Those who have been inside for a few hours on the other hand may no longer be able to smell even the strong or repugnant odors that lurk there.

Members of a family have their little (or big) idiosyncrasies and habits (or dysfunctions) that are as natural as the air they breathe. They lose track of what they might look like to strangers or even to Hashem. In-laws can help put us back on track … if we choose to borrow their fresh lenses for a new look at ourselves.

Here’s what might happen if Ephraim could react honestly to his wife’s statement:

Ephraim: Really? I honestly never thought of it like that. I knew he likes to drink — a lot — but we never called it alcoholism. I’m going to do a little research on this and if it turns out that you’re right I’m going to see if there’s any way we can help him.  

Distancing from Dysfunction

Yehudis and Michoel have a three-year-old son and a newborn daughter. Lately Michoel’s father has been “disciplining” three-year-old Chaim during visits. Admittedly the toddler has become more of a challenge since his upsherin but Yehudis feels that she and Michoel have things under control. Michoel’s father on the other hand is shouting at insulting and even hitting the child.

Yehudis: Let’s face it Michoel — your father is abusive.

Michoel: That’s ridiculous! He’s a good man. That’s how he raised us and we turned out fine.

Yehudis: Look you may find it tolerable that he treated you that way treats his wife that way and now even treats our child that way but I don’t. Unless you can get him to change the way he handles Chaim I’ll never be comfortable leaving him alone in a room with my kids. Visits will be short — if they happen at all.

Michoel: You’re crazy. Everyone else in the family is fine with my father. Are you going to start a war here?

Yehudis: Your brothers and sisters are fine with it because that’s how they talk to their own kids. I know our sister-in-law Fraidy is definitely not happy with what goes on in your parents’ house but she’s too timid to rock the boat. I’m not willing to take that route. My kids are too important!

You seem very happy with how we’re raising our kids. How can you not see what’s happening in your father’s house?

Michoel: You might be right; maybe I’m just too close. But I don’t know what to do about it. In my family we don’t tell my father what to do — it doesn’t work like that. And anyway he’ll never change.

Yehudis: Well I don’t have your history and I’m not afraid of your father. I’ll just ask him — nicely — to please leave the discipline to us.

Speaking Up

In-laws have an additional advantage. Coming into the family as adults they generally lack the feelings of confusion intimidation and terror that grown people can feel in relation to their parents. A six-foot 35-year-old man might feel like a quivering baby around the graying 60-year-old man who used to shake him with fury for spilling grape juice on the tablecloth. Newcomers can sometimes halt dysfunction in its tracks just by quietly identifying it.

The challenge is to be able to listen to the outsider and trust their perspective. Instead of quickly shutting their opinion out give it serious consideration. That can sometimes be the beginning of healing and growth for the whole family.