A major assumption underlying our school chinuch structure is that homes provide some knowledge of religious customs mores and procedures.

Such information is imparted in an informal process without specific goals and methods and it varies from home to home from community to community and from (for lack of a better term) sect to sect: From yeshivish to litvish and from one chassidishe court to another.

This idea has surfaced in the Talmud (Sotah 21; see Tosafos) and even in the late 20^th century chassidic writing as – perhaps paradoxically – a rational for both limiting girls chinuch and for expanding the scope of their education.

In the past the home and a child’s parents – or more commonly the father – had such a strong religious presence that children naturally absorbed a lot of information. In eras when the religious level of the home was weaker less was passed onto children and yeshivas began to augment their curriculum to fill the gaps.

It appears that the most variation took place in chinuch habanos. For most of Jewish history there was no formal structure but as the winds of change blew through Europe eventually sweeping up frum communities a clear need arose for a Bais Yaacov-type formal education system with some variation for each subgroup.

Nevertheless in setting up their curriculum many institutions for chinuch habonim still assume that their students are coming from homes that imbue their sons with much religious knowledge and customs. With a few exceptions yeshivos tend to focus exclusively on Gemara Rishonim Acharonim and Lomdus. The halachos of kashrus Shabbos and many other topics are not formally taught. As a result many bochurim are ill-prepared to establish homes that are sufficiently grounded in all religious areas.

Are there homes in our communities that fail to transmit rigorous standards of kashrus taharas hamishpachah and tznius just to mention a few areas? The answer is yes. Are women parading in Flatbush and elsewhere in improper attire? The answer is clearly yes.

The only question is how to correct the problem.

Let examine this point through the issue of tznius.

Due primarily to the lack of modesty in general society tznius has become a serious challenge to Orthodox Bais-Yaacov educated women.

Until 1961 men wore hats in public and women wore gloves at important events. Even the entertainment media limited what they would show on television and in theaters. How hard was it to dress appropriately back then when clothing from all manufactures was knee length had sleeves and normal necklines? Since the early years of the Kennedy Presidency the dress code for both men and women has been eroding.

Those days as we all are painfully aware are long gone. As styles became less modest over the last half-century the challenges for frum people have grown commensurately. Today minimally covered people are the norm on our streets and in ubiquitous advertisements and frum people must buy clothing from special manufacture because almost nothing appropriate can be bought on the open market.

Our Bais Yaacov schools responded superbly to the challenge. Principals and teachers prepared new curricula and lesson plans organizing special classes shiurim and public gatherings to address this issue. Mechanchos picked up the banner of Kedushas Am Yisrael and rallied to inculcate our girls with the desire to dress correctly.

Despite these major initiatives however we have not managed to vanquish the enemy. Occasionally when I interview new parents or greet parents and grandparents coming for special school events or picking up their charges some cause me to cringe. And the malfeasants are all graduates of good yeshiva high schools – including our own. I sometimes ask “Weren’t you taught better? What message are you transmitting to your own daughters?”

This issue plagues our Chareidi “black hat” enclaves not only in Flatbush but across North America. Recently the menaheles of a chassidishe school in Canada called Mrs. Zlata Press our high school principal to discuss a recording she had heard of a tznius talk Mrs. Press had given years ago. This menaheles wanted the sources for some of piskei halachah (rulings) Mrs. Press had quoted. It was apparent from the conversation that even sheltered smaller communities have to deal with women and girls probing the limits of acceptable dress.

Why do some Bais Yaacov graduates even seminary graduates dress so improperly five or ten years after they have left school? 

We could ascribe the lack of hatzlachah in teaching tznius to the constant pernicious invasive messages from the secular media. But even so how is it that as young students of yesterday morph into the mothers of today they seem to forget what they learnt and heard in school?

A number of years ago Rebbitzin Zhava Braunstein A”H and other menahalos tried public gatherings to raise awareness of the tznius issue. Today mechanchos have become leery of exerting further pressure on the students to conform to dress standards because it may estrange some students. This leaves those involved in Chinuch Habanos asking what can still be done and where it is that they have gone wrong in their efforts to imbue our girls with a sense of tznius until now.

The answer I believe lies not in what he have been doing wrong but in what have been omitting. We all know that when leaving a single ingredient out of a recipe a cake is bound to flop.

So too with the tznius issue we are not involving one of our most potent assets. Our approach is flawed in that we take aim only at our daughters and wives as if they are culprits and if they just learned enough the problem would go away.

The baalei mussar (Rav Yisrael Salanter in Ohr Yisrael for instance) teach however that we can’t expect a person to stop falling prey to the Yetzer Haraa simply because you taught them something. In one of the shmuessen at the back of the sefer Rav YIsrael Salanter writes that it’s improbable to influence the world or even to overcome one’s own base desires and instincts through “ukase” (imperial decree). We can hardly expect our daughters and wives to be perfect in this area simply because they were taught well in Bais Yaacov. We must introduce the missing ingredient: husbands and fathers.

We men don’t learn the relevant halachos on correct attire. Which Yeshiva Gedolah teaches this subject to chassanim? As a result how can we possibly set standards for our homes in terms of Tznius? Do we tell our wives and daughters at which stores they can shop? Do we discuss skirt length sleeve length necklines and tightness?  Do we discuss with our Rav what levels of tznius are appropriate for our homes?

This issue cannot be outsourced to mothers alone. Shlomo HaMelech wrote ”Shema beni musar avicha ve’al titosh toras imecha.” At first glance this passuk seems counterintuitive. Shouldn’t the father represent Torah and the mother serve as the paradigm of moral values and virtue?

In truth Shlomo HaMelech is teaching us that in rearing children the mother through warmth and loves shows which philosophical issues are paramount in the home. A mother who is machshiv learning teaches her children to love learning. But making and enforcing a code of conduct inside and outside the home is not the domain of the mother. It is the father’s job to teach the mussar avicha.

As an aside the same issue is prevalent in kashrus. Do husbands and fathers instruct their families as to what hashgachos are acceptable? Which restaurants and pizza stores they may purchase from? Which grocery stores and take-out shops they may patronize? Who determines if one oven or two is required at home?

Fathers must become involved in all aspects of their homes. We must set the standards for kashrus tznius home entertainment internet and cell phone usage.

Only when we add this missing ingredient fostering consistency between messages being delivered at home and in the schools will our girls imbibe clear lessons. And perhaps even the wives and mothers will retain their girsa d’yankusa the lessons they learned in their youth.