No parents want their child to face tragedy. But with the right parental response and guidance a child can gain tools and depth for life. He can grow through his loss into an adult who is sensitive and empathetic

W e kiss their boo-boos and wipe away their tears. Whether we’re dealing with a scraped knee or an argument with a friend as parents we’re confident in our ability to smooth life’s rough edges and provide comfort and stability. But there’s one experience parents cannot diminish: death and bereavement.

No parents want their child to face tragedy. But with the right parental response and guidance a child can gain tools and depth for life. He can grow through his loss into an adult who is sensitive and empathetic. A child can be strengthened by the lifelong lesson that while grief may feel insurmountable it can be worked through and eventually transform into sweet sorrow and appreciation.

No Single Formula

“There’s no textbook answer for how to support a child who has experienced tragedy” says Atara Weinstein a Jerusalem family therapist who specializes in working with adolescents and survivors of trauma. However she emphasizes there are useful contexts to keep in mind that can help a parent make educated decisions in supporting the grieving process. Specifically she suggests looking at the child’s state of development — physiological cognitive psychological and social.

“Does he or she have the capacity to tolerate strong emotions? And is he capable of verbalizing these emotions?” says Weinstein. Additionally she suggests considering several important factors: what type of death was it — expected or traumatic? What was the child’s relationship with the deceased?

The next thing to consider is the child’s relationship with his parents. “The deeper the parents’ understanding of the child’s emotional makeup the easier it will be for the parents to create an individualized path to support their child.”

Shanna a stay-at-home mother from Los Angeles says that her 13-year-old son’s previous struggle with anxiety actually empowered her to help her son grieve after he witnessed a close friend’s fatal accident.

“One afternoon I received a call from the school that there had been an accident and my son was very upset. They asked me to pick him up. It turned out that my son and his friend had been standing together at recess and out of nowhere a boundary wall collapsed. Miraculously my son wasn’t harmed but the concrete panel fell on his friend. My son watched the whole thing happen — his friend lying unconscious next to him Hatzolah rushing in and trying to stabilize him. The boy was in a coma for four days before he died.”