Why punishment alone rarely teaches lasting lessons — and the practical approach that helps children truly learn from their mistakes

Dovid Hirsch was small and scrawny.

He found it hard to sit still, which made learning in school a struggle. In the playground, he’d tag along with the kids in class, trying to be part of whatever was going on — always as a follower, not a leader. He wished he could be more popular, more of a macher, a mover and shaker, but when he tried to speak up, hardly anybody paid attention.

His mother would often send him to the local supermarket on small errands. Dovid would make sure to return the credit card and the receipt.

Until he didn’t.

The next morning, his mother received a phone call from the school. It turned out that in an attempt to improve his popularity rating, Dovid had brought twenty-four bars of chocolate to school and handed them out to the entire class.

Dovid’s mother realized immediately that he must have used her credit card to “sponsor” his generosity. No wonder he hadn’t given her the receipt yesterday!

Frantically, she called up her husband at work. Together, they tried to think of an appropriate punishment to teach Dovid a lesson. Stop allowing him to run errands? Not allow him to have dessert on Shabbos?

But what if there was another way?

The Problem with Punishment

When a child misbehaves, a parent or educator’s instinct is usually: He has to learn right from wrong. And if I don’t punish him, how will he learn what that is?

But here’s the thing: From a young age, children already know right from wrong, at least intellectually. If you were to ask a four-year-old, “Is it okay to take something that’s not yours?” they would probably give the correct answer. The problem isn’t a lack of knowledge. It’s matching actions to the theoretical knowledge.

“Almost every kid at some point in their childhood slips up and lies or steals; it doesn’t mean they’re bad, and parents need not panic,” Mrs. Lewis, an experienced elementary school principal, observes. “Children’s impulsivity is much greater than adults, and we know the judgment centers of a child’s brain are not fully developed until much later. As they mature, children in healthy home and school environments will normally outgrow these slips and won’t continue lying and stealing, even without severe punishment.” In a healthy environment, a child’s ability to self-regulate will improve with time.