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hat’s the difference between a not-nice person and a bully? If one nine-year-old calls another nine-year-old names every time he enters the schoolyard, is the first one a “bully”? Or is he just “not nice”? Should we think of him as “mean” or as “abusive”? Or should we not categorize him at all? Maybe this little guy is really nice to his own friends and simply behaves badly toward this one classmate. And maybe he behaves badly toward this one classmate because this one classmate has made his life miserable — it’s really hard to know just by watching this narrow slice of life.

Even a “bully” or an “abuser” is a full human being with different sides to his or her personality. Human beings are not one dimensional and cannot be summed up in one word. However, we can certainly say that one person is bullying or abusing another in a given instance.

If we use these words as verbs (actions), they can describe something about a moment in time. Without understanding motivation or the bigger picture, it’s still possible to describe the abusive dynamic: someone abuses or bullies another when he engages in an abuse of power. That is, a 12-year-old who, in anger, physically pins down a 5-year-old, is abusing his power. The two parties are not equal in physical size or strength. A husband who denies his wife access to the money he earns is abusing his financial power. A teacher who humiliates a child he doesn’t like is abusing the power of his authority.

The word “abuse” is short for the phrase “abuse of power.” In order for an action to be considered abusive, there needs to be a power differential. Otherwise, the action is simply “not-nice.” For instance, a 12-year-old who insults his 11-year-old brother is not abusing him when there is no physical intimidation or assault; he is just acting in a very not-nice way. Not-nice behavior will cause pain but it is not an abuse of any kind of power.

When victims of not-nice behavior have similar power to their perpetrator (they are approximately equal in size, influence, resources, etc.), then they can defend themselves in multiple ways: walking away and ignoring, retaliating, reporting, and so on. They may not like the treatment they are receiving or the person who is doling it out, but they are not victims in the true sense of that word.

Between Spouses

Unfortunately, some spouses behave in not-nice ways to their partners. Anyone who doesn’t live in the house with a couple, cannot begin to decipher the dynamic between a husband and wife. However, many people are willing to become diagnosticians of their friends’ spouses, declaring them as officially “abusive.”

Shira described to me how her ex-husband routinely shouted at her and slammed doors. She told me how he threatened her many times. She said that he told her that he had money in offshore accounts and that if they ever divorced he would leave her impoverished. Now that they have divorced, she doesn’t see a penny from him. He’s clearly an abusive man.

Listener beware! If Shira described all this to her friends, her friends need to know the laws of lashon hara: they can listen to provide support if necessary, but they are not allowed to believe a word of it!

No matter how earnest Shira sounds, her friends will not be able to know the truth of what went on. Shira wouldn’t necessarily see her own role in the fights that occurred and even if she was able to take responsibility for her end of the trouble, she might not share with others the little fact that, when displeased, she threw pots and pans at her husband! Without being there from start to finish, outsiders wouldn’t know if the man ever initiated violence, if he only acted to defend himself, if he did a fraction of what he was accused of, or if he did nothing at all. They would definitely never know if Shira was the one who tormented her husband. As for the offshore accounts — no one could possibly know the facts of such matters (apart from the bankers themselves).

The point is that outsiders cannot diagnose a person as “abusive,” “manipulative,” “controlling,” or anything else, based on stories from an ex-partner. And yet, there’s a strong temptation to swallow these reports whole and unexamined, and, even worse, to spread them far and wide. This activity routinely occurs, harming — or even ruining — the lives of others. Let us all remember that human beings are complex and multifaceted, that relationships are even more so, and that we are not forensic officers, judges, or diagnosticians. Let’s have the humility to do only what we can do: support our friends, educate our children, and protect ourselves from mistreatment.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 644)