How to deal with the fear of negative outcomes

The only thing we can be sure of is that we can never be sure. However, living with uncertainty is painful — and more so for some people than for others.

“It’s hard for me to make decisions. What if I make a mistake? I could be stuck with an uncomfortable bed or the wrong neighborhood for years. I must get it right because getting it wrong can be disastrous.”

Yes, sometimes that’s true. Often, however, the negative effects of a decision can be corrected. There may be a financial loss or a loss of time and a cost of effort, but in the end, one can comfortably live with it. Things don’t have to be perfect all the time in order for us to survive and thrive. In fact, they can’t be.

Constant Anxiety

The need to be certain results in constant anxiety. There’s a mismatch between reality — we can never know for sure — and our desire for certainty. Children sometimes attempt to address their vulnerability by asking for guarantees. “What time will you pick me up from school? Will you be there for sure? What if you’re late? Promise me you’ll be on time.”

Parents who offer false promises (“Yes, I’ll be there — I’m always there, aren’t I?”) increase the child’s level of anxiety. Since the parent can’t control traffic conditions, weather, world circumstances, or other people, he or she should never promise to arrive on time.

The honest answer is, “I’ll do my best and, if Hashem wants it, I’ll be there on time.” But this sort of answer leaves an anxious child unsatisfied; she wants certainty. Uncertainty leaves her feeling overwhelmed and helpless.

Confidence in Coping

The quest for “certainty” is really a quest for a positive outcome. The person lacks confidence that he’ll be able to cope with any other scenario. However, by successfully negotiating life’s difficulties, children and adults learn that life continues despite setbacks, struggles, hurts and disappointments.

Parents can help children and each other by answering the “what if?” questions with acknowledgment and acceptance of pain:

“What if they don’t like me?” Then that will hurt.

“What if I don’t get accepted to the seminary I want to get into?” That will be very disappointing.

“What if I say the wrong thing?” It happens. You’ll regret it and feel bad for a while.

Helping someone accept negative emotions can be followed by offering coping strategies:

“What if they don’t like me?” Then that will hurt. You’ll be sad for a while, but you can look around to see if there are other kids to get to know and enjoy.

Thinking Positively

Worriers habitually entertain negative thoughts. “What if they don’t like me?” is a reasonable question to them. It seems necessary to these children and grownups to entertain the negative possibilities and the constant habit of doing so builds strong neural pathways that guarantee more of the same.

Sometimes, to encourage such people to give at least equal time to the possibility of a positive outcome, parents and spouses can give a nudge in the other direction. “What if I don’t get the job?” Yes, that could happen, and then you’d be disappointed and sad for a while. What will happen if you do get it?

Just asking that question leads the worrier back to a positive place in her brain, altering the well-worn inner road of negative focus. It invites her to at least consider the possibility that something good will happen. “Then I’d be happy!” When she resorts back to the negative scenario immediately after, however, (“But what if I don’t get it?”), the response is again “Then you’d be sad.”

Refusing to be more reassuring conveys that being sad is a passing feeling and not the end of the world. It can be spoken about. It can be looked at. It’s a normal part of life. Naming it also signals the end of the conversation. There are no false promises, no desperate attempts to cheer anyone up. It’s easier on you while it forces your loved one’s anxious mind to face reality.

If you’re worried about your loved one getting sad without your familiar reassurances — well, yes that could happen. And you’d be unhappy about that for a while. And then watch and see over time whether your loved one becomes more comfortable with uncertainty and copes better with life’s challenges.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 624)