“My husband is a very generous man. He’ll sit and listen to people help them financially and even become personally involved to the point where he makes calls and runs errands for them. Everyone loves him. I just wish he’d do half as much for me and the kids. He’s never here for us — emotionally or physically. He’s too busy running around for everyone else. I can’t understand it. Is it because he doesn’t get enough kavod if he just helps at home?”

Attention Wanted

Every person yearns for attention. In fact lack of attention is one of the hardest things for human beings to tolerate. The prison system utilizes solitary confinement — isolation from all other people — as one of its cruelest punishments. We all need people to talk to and even more we need them to listen to us to acknowledge us to focus on us.

Spouses are supposed to do this for each other and parents are supposed to do this for their kids. Close relationships are only close when there is an exchange of high-quality attention. “I’m very close to my mother. We speak several times a day.” “Are you close to your brother?” “No not really. We hardly ever speak.”

Can spouses be close to each other when they have minimal contact? Perhaps they retain a heart-to-heart connection even if they are separated by oceans for years on end but it’s certainly not the kind of closeness they would have if they interacted with each other many times a day.

But does interacting many times a day ensure closeness? Certainly not! “My wife and I never talk about anything deeper than what’s for dinner who’s doing carpool and what time I’ll be home.” Closeness is fostered by high-quality attention an exchange of thoughts and feelings. The strongest bonds are formed when there is both “quality” and “quantity” in human interactions: frequent meaningful communications between husband and wife or parent and child.

Attention Is Not Enough

However strong bonds require even more than high-quality attention.

“My wife is a wonderful friend to her friends and relatives. She bakes for them she shops for them she listens to them for hours on end. She gives them so much of her time and energy that she has nothing left to give to me. I know it sounds crazy to be jealous of my sister-in-law but that woman sees more of my wife than I do! And if I ask my wife to do a task for me she getsl annoyed and asks me why can’t I just take care of it myself. I feel alone in this marriage.”

When a person sees that the spouse is more helpful to others than to him or herself a natural discomfort sets in. The person starts to wonder how important the other views the partnership. After a while the wonder turns into a conviction that he or she is unimportant invisible irrelevant and unloved. These feelings eventually morph into resentment and anger; the marital bond — or lack of it — reflects the neglect in technicolor.

What You Give Is what You Get

When we put a lot of energy into our friendships and community relationships we will usually build strong friendships and community relationships. If we put a lot of energy into our spouse and children we will usually have strong relationships with our spouse and children. However since most people have limited resources of both time and energy there are inevitable choices to be made. Something has to go. After a day of obligations and responsibilities how much “free” time does anyone have? How should one allocate that small window of time?

It’s up to us. We can put all of it into marriage leaving our children and others out in the cold. We can put all of it into children leaving our spouse and others out in the cold. We can put all of it into friends and community leaving family out in the cold. Or instead of putting “all of it” anywhere we can spread it around according to our true priorities in life. A certain percentage goes to our marriage another percentage goes to our children another percentage goes to other family members another percentage goes to friends and another percentage goes to community.

How much should go to the marriage? Ask your spouse. How much to the kids? Ask them. You don’t have to act on their answers but it’s good to know what they think. And it’s good to know what you think too so you can consciously create the kinds of relationships that you want most in life.