We may not know we’re negative

Monday 1 p.m. Avi calls home during his lunch break.

Avi: Hi Brochi. How’s it goin’?

Brochi: We’ve got a problem. The principal called about Moshe again….

Monday 6 p.m. Avi calls home as he closes up for the day.

Avi: Hi Brochi. What’s doin’?

Brochi: Your mother is having one of her tirades….

Monday 7 p.m. Avi walks in the door.

Avi: Hi! I’m home!

Brochi: Thank goodness! I need you to look at the freezer door; it doesn’t seem to be closing properly.

From these snippets of conversation we can see that Brochi’s day is full of challenges — child rearing in-laws appliances. Of course she wants to share her life and her experiences with her husband. Why then does Avi express his feelings the following way?

“When I talk to Brochi everything is a problem. I call her throughout the day to try to connect but to be honest I dread these conversations. There’s always something wrong. I try to be a good husband show interest provide support but inside I can’t wait to get off the phone.

“At least people at work make jokes during the day. With Brochi everything is so serious so heavy. I wouldn’t mind hearing about the occasional problem if she mixed it up a little. But I don’t need to hear every little detail of what goes wrong in her day. I’ve got enough stress at work. I wish she’d add something positive to my day but she doesn’t.”

Always Suffering

Rachel has a similar issue. “Michael’s always suffering with something. Every day another body part hurts him — his back is out his head is aching he’s dizzy. I know he isn’t the healthiest person on earth but we’ve been married 16 years and I’m getting tired of all of his complaints.

“I don’t know if it helps him to go on and on about his health issues but I can tell you that it doesn’t help me at all! If he’d gone on like this when we were dating I never would have married him. He had a lot of interesting things to say back then and I thought I was signing up for a life of stimulating conversation when I said yes. Things have turned out very differently.”

Too Critical

Shaya’s wife Chani is as he puts it a very good person. He appreciates her fine qualities (“She’s a good mother a great homemaker a wonderful friend accountant… She does everything really well….”) but finds her negativity hard to tolerate.

“She’s a perfectionist and that works for her. But it means that she finds fault with the rest of us. She’s hard on the kids even though she clearly loves them. And she has plenty of complaints about me. She says I’m lazy I’m not applying myself enough I’m not making enough money…. Nothing I do is good enough for her.

“I like her best when she goes to visit her parents and I have a few days of peace and quiet. Don’t get me wrong — she’s right about everything. I just get tired of hearing it all the time.”

Accidentally Negative

People don’t always recognize their own conversation as being negative. Brochi for example thinks she’s supposed to be reporting on the challenges of the day. She’s translated her husband’s queries (“How’s it goin’?”) to mean something like “What problems have you been dealing with?” Really he means something like “Hi tell me how happy you are to hear from me!” but she simply doesn’t realize that.

Michael too is innocent. He thinks his wife is there to reassure and support him through his physical travails never stopping to consider how his constant complaints have sounded to her over a 16-year period. And Chani might not realize just how much her criticism is wreaking havoc on her marriage.

None of these spouses know that their negativity is draining depleting and distancing their partners even though this is a predictable (and normal) effect of chronic negativity.

Fortunately accidental negativity can be healed with intentional positivity. Consciously talking about interesting things giving positive feedback and sharing good news and good feelings will gradually undo patterns of negative communication. One’s marriage can then blossom in the sunlight of positivity. (Originally featured in Family First Issue 551)