Can we expect our children to accept directives if they make no sense to them?

Naaseh V’nishma — we’ll do and we’ll listen we’ll do and we’ll internalize we’ll do and we’ll obey — however the phrase is translated it’s clear that it starts with “we will do!” No questions asked.

Parents would be ever so happy if their kids would adopt the same attitude that the Jews adopted at Har Sinai. Sure Mommy we’ll do it.

Wanting a Reason

Children of all ages like to have a reason for why they ought to do something. Preschoolers are particularly busy with “why” questions. A more sophisticated form of questioning develops as the child matures. A straightforward “why” that could be satisfied by a simple one-liner becomes over the years a complex “why” that demands an intelligent response.

“Why do I need to eat vegetables if I can get fiber and nutrition from my five daily servings of fruit and grain products?” Mom might prefer the “Just eat it and be quiet” approach to the “Let me call my nutritionist and get back to you on that” reply. Nonetheless the older child often feels entitled to a reasonable informed answer along with full disclosure; he’ll settle for nothing less. Unperturbed by his own lack of worldly experience or maturity he feels that he knows better than his parents and is willing to take them on in a debate over any issue. He is so convincing that even his parents are intimidated. Maybe he’s right they wonder.

Submitting to Authority

Whether the child is right or wrong is not the issue. The child needs to learn how to accept parental authority comfortably. Insistence on parental justification can be unnerving:

“Our five-year-old daughter Rifky likes a little girl in her class named Ahuva. Rifky wants me to make playdates for her and Ahuva. However Ahuva’s father recently did something terrible to my husband in a business matter — something that hurt us very badly. My husband wants nothing more to do with the family and so I no longer talk to Ahuva’s mother. It would be impossible to make playdates at this point. Rifky is constantly asking me why I won’t do it ; she won’t let up. What do I tell her?”

“We are going through a divorce. My husband and I never fought in front of the children and so in addition to being grief-stricken they are all completely shocked. They want to know why it’s happening. My oldest is eleven and the youngest is a baby. There’s no way I can explain to them what their father has done. But they are demanding an explanation. What do I tell them?”

“My fourteen-year-old wants to go on a hiking trip with his best friend’s family this summer. It would just be the father their three boys and my son. I am very against it and I told him he can’t go. He is demanding a reason that makes sense to him. Believe me I have my reasons — but none that he would find satisfactory. Is it okay for me to stick to my guns and say ‘no’ even if I don’t have a reason that he understands?”

Parental Prerogative

Parents must establish a track record of being reasonable. Rabbi Hirsch explains that this is accomplished by frequently offering brief explanations for parental decisions as a courtesy to the child. “I want you to do your homework before dinner because I like you to have some relaxing time right before bed.” There is no need to offer additional reasons if the child doesn’t like the first one!

If the parent conducts him or herself in a fair and reasonable way the child will come to experience the parent as a reasonable person. Making too many arbitrary and constricting rules being emotionally unpredictable having a bad temper or otherwise showing signs of instability and irrationality definitely erode trust.

Having done all this the parent can then comfortably decide when not to share all thoughts feelings and information. As long as withholding is the exception and not the rule in parenting it has its appropriate place. Parents can say “I have my reasons but I am not free to explain them to you ” or “There are good reasons but you are not at the age where you can understand them; you’ll have to wait until you’re older ” or “I don’t feel I need to give you a reason other than this is the way I want it right now.”

When a child feels his parents’ love and concern and has come to see the parents as reasonable people it will be much easier for them to adopt an attitude of “naaseh v’nishma” when it is asked of them.