On the Line

The address 305 9th Street in Lakewood, New Jersey, is an iconic one: the former Irvington Hotel. Back in the day, it was a popular destination for city vacationers seeking a serene lakefront town. Tourists would stay at the hotel and enjoy local dining establishments and comedy clubs.

In 1944, Rav Aharon Kotler relocated his fledgling yeshivah to Lakewood, and with the growth of Beth Medrash Govoha in the ensuing decades, the little town, too, began to change. Slowly, the restaurants and clubs closed their doors, followed by the hotels. In 1981, after numerous legal hurdles, the famed Irvington Hotel checked out its last guest and handed the keys to the yeshivah’s growing empire.

The facility was immediately repurposed as a dormitory, housing many of the hundreds of bochurim who came to learn in the oasis of Torah. Over time, “The Irv,” as it is fondly known, developed a culture of its own. It is home to more than 500 occupants, most of whom spend their time learning in the beis medrash or rushing to dates (as well as offering commentary on world events and searching for quarters for the washing machines).

The building is a micro-city, constantly abuzz. An alcove near the steps hosts a pop-up minyan as the scent of a cholent that has been slow-cooking for a few days too long wafts from a nearby dorm room. Leftovers from yesterday’s bris sit in another room (no less appealing now than when they were fresh). As you walk down the hall, you’ll see various items for sale: seforim and nail clippers, car scents and mouthwash. There are frequent l’chayims celebrating friends’ engagements, and nearly every room has residual streamers from the simchah of some bygone roommate.

The adjacent parking lot also never sleeps, with guys unwinding in the fresh air while others sit alone in their vehicles listening to talk radio, or, in some of the older models, the most recent shiur klali on cassette tape. Still others are in frantic conversations with shadchanim or their mothers, hashing out what went wrong on last night’s date.

The Irv is one of several BMG dormitory facilities, all of which share a common feature: They serve as de facto holding cells for single guys as they date, usually until they get married. Any given zeman in BMG kicks off with more than 1,600 bochurim, all of whom are essentially in shidduchim, so naturally, much of the town’s culture revolves around this preparatory phase.

There are late Maariv minyanim packed with besuited guys returning from either dates or friends’ simchahs, and local clothing stores, car rental companies, and select eateries offer discounts and promotions to BMG bochurim (an estimated 50 cars are rented out daily for dates between local rental companies Ariz Cars and Just4Wheels).

It was only a matter of time before someone from within would develop an initiative to help his own, a visionary with firsthand experience of where these guys come from and the foresight to know where they need to go. That someone would be Elimelech Weinreb.

Location, Location, Location

Born and raised in Monsey, New York, Elimelech attended the local Yeshiva of Spring Valley in his formative years, followed by Yeshiva Shaar HaTorah–Grodno in Kew Gardens, New York, Yeshiva Gedolah of Monroe in Monroe, New Jersey, and Yeshivas Ner Moshe in Jerusalem. In 2020, at age 21, he arrived in Lakewood’s Beth Medrash Govoha (slightly earlier than planned due to Covid travel restrictions). When the freezer opened after his first few months of establishing himself in the yeshivah, Elimelech, like hundreds of his peers, entered the world of shidduchim.

Elimelech spent his days in sedorim and his nights navigating shidduchim. As he began to plan his own dates, he came to a realization: A date’s success is heavily dependent on the venue. And while there was no shortage of resources in BMG — directories and lists going around the dorm, veterans with date-planning experience more than willing to impart their wisdom — Elimelech felt that it was still difficult to determine the right venue, a crucial element of a successful date. Solid opportunities were being squandered due to a lack of preparation, and this disturbed him to no end.

“It’s easy to get it right, but a lot of guys struggle with this aspect of dating,” he says with conviction. “I’ve seen so many dates with real potential not pan out because of a lack of proper preparation.”

“Solving the shidduch crisis one date at a time?” I clarify.

It’s a bold statement, but Elimelech sticks to his guns. “Yes — properly planning a date can be a critical make-it-or-break-it point in a shidduch, and that’s what I want to solve,” he says, and he proceeds to explain how.

One morning in January 2022, Elimelech woke up with an idea. He had been dating for about a year, during which he had started to get a feel for the variety of lounges, restaurants, and activities that were open for shidduch dates. He had a good sense for which venues were conducive to good dates, as well as a knack for factoring in the daters themselves and how far along they were. Elimelech wanted nothing more than to help his fellow yeshivah-mates maximize the potential of each and every date, and part of this was to help them plan properly.

That day, Elimelech set up a Google Voice number and hung signs around yeshivah announcing his new service: “Do you need help planning a date? We are available to help people find lounges, restaurants, and activities across the country.”

Underneath, he included his new hotline number. His intention was to personally respond to every anonymous caller.

That very day his first call came in, and with that, the Dating Venue Hotline was in business. News spread quickly, both because of his signs and word of mouth. Soon, not only did many of his friends rely on him, but virtual strangers as well. They dialed him frequently, and Elimelech fielded calls between sedorim, on the way to his car, during any spare moment.

“Hi, I have a date tonight, where is a good place to go?”

“Where does she live? And what number date is this?” he’d ask.

“Passaic, third date — so something more relaxed.”

“Why don’t you go play a game at Play! Hoboken, and then get something to eat in Teaneck?”

For many daters, Elimelech was a hidden angel, the voice at the other of the line that eased much of the apprehension and anxiety that precedes a date. In the two and a half years since the start of this initiative, Elimelech has helped plan thousands of dates.

This hotline, however, was just the beginning.

Going Offline

IN March 2022, the hotline expanded into a gemach. A close friend approached Elimelech; he and his new wife wanted to do something in memory of her late mother, and they bought several board games for dating purposes. To make the games more accessible to guys, they asked Elimelech to host the collection in The Irv.

Based out of his dorm room, the Dating Gemach initially consisted of a stack of games in a bookcase in the corner with a simple notepad serving as the sign-out sheet. A stream of daters would enter daily looking for Boggle, the Ungame, Pictionary, Scattergories, and of course, Perfect Matches, which has become a staple as a couple progresses through a shidduch. Over time, Elimelech’s friends stocked the shelf with more games to meet increased demand.

Soon Elimelech noticed that simply getting to the date was posing issues for his clientele. The days of GPS are basically over — the world has moved on to technology that tracks traffic updates in real time — but apps like Waze are only accessible from smartphones, without which it is exceedingly difficult to know if the Outerbridge Crossing is congested and the Goethals is the better alternative.

Once again, Elimelech’s friend and his wife came through. They bought a number of smartphones and had them programmed to block everything aside from Waze. These handy devices were promptly incorporated into the gemach, bringing an increased stream of visitors to Room 119. (In the early days, these devices also served as good conversation fodder; girls who had been told they were dating “flip-phone guys” were shocked at their dates’ technology, allowing them to explain the concept of their Waze-only smartphones.)

A date itself can take its toll — as can the Garden State Parkway. E-ZPass is another automated system that adds incalculable convenience to a New York commute, but a device is assigned to an individual license plate, and the service is typically available only to those with cars. Bochurim who rent, as many do, are forced either to search for quarters under their seats or to pay the rental company’s added E-ZPass fee.

So Elimelech’s next idea was to invest in several E-ZPass tags — but this came with its own set of challenges, as Elimelech learned how difficult it was to track the charges of various users traveling to different locations.

A friend down the hall was an adept programmer, and he devised a system with which a user could register his phone number with a credit card. The system tracks tag numbers separately and connects each charge to the phone number that signed out the E-ZPass via that same hotline, automatically charging the card on file. Demand for this service exploded, and soon the E-ZPass Gemach became a destination of its own, so much that it was moved to another room across the hall to ease the traffic in Room 119.

The gemach, whose relatively small budget was funded by a group of friends, beneficiaries, and others, also started making other arrangements Elimelech thought daters would find helpful.

“If you go to the Conrad Hotel near Battery Park, you don’t need to pay for parking,” I hear him disclose to a caller. “The doorman has a deal with us and will park your car for a small fee.”

At one point, after several lounges made it clear that they did not welcome dates who wanted to stop in for just a couple of glasses of Diet Coke, Elimelech tasked a few friends with meeting some of the hotel managers to discuss the Lakewood dating constituency’s needs.

When Elimelech discovered an extra watch lying around his room, he left it at the gemach to see if anyone would take it. Sure enough, that night, the watch was gone; between the need to arrive on time, time the date right, and bring the girl back at a reasonable time, a watch is a crucial dating accessory, bochurim realized. Elimelech took this idea and ran with it. He bought some modest handsome pieces (nothing too pricey; he didn’t want to spoil the anticipation for the chassan watch). His new watches entered circulation and became an immediate favorite.

“Early daters get the better watches,” he observes. And then he adds with a grin, “but our gemach almost ruined a shidduch.”

At my quizzical look, Elimelech recalls the couple who went out several times, but the girl could not move forward. She finally told the shadchan this guy was too high-maintenance for her — he showed up to each date wearing a different fancy watch. The shadchan went back to the guy, who explained he frequented the gemach and borrowed a different watch every time.

The Dating Gemach also started offering additional items like umbrellas for rainy dates, which are a game changer. Tissues are also useful, as are water bottles for the car ride with straws to go along.

“Demand got higher when New York State banned the use of plastic straws,” Elimelech comments as he straightens out the gemach’s industrial-sized carton. “But I’m not sure how many guys actually bring them into lounges.”

Going out of Network

AT this point, the gemach had grown into more of a formal entity providing multiple services for dating bochurim, and Elimelech officially named his initiative the Dating Resources Network (DRN). He created artwork and a logo and printed signs and magnets to give out to his base.

Another thoughtful addition that has become a trademark item is the black dating bag. Guys mentioned they were uncomfortable walking around public spaces holding a game of Taboo (it didn’t seem socially acceptable), so Elimelech custom-designed and ordered several thousand elegant, sleek, black paper bags to subtly carry games, drinks, or other accessories.

“I was telling a girl about our gemach,” Elimelech reminisces about his dating days. “She asked me, ‘Are those your black bags that every guy in Bell Works is walking around with?’ ”

Clearly, Dating Resources Network was filling a void.

But what about beyond BMG? Elimelech wondered. Bochurim in other yeshivos and in other cities have the same challenges, they’d also benefit from additional resources.

According to unofficial BMG numbers, there were more than 1,600 single talmidim in yeshivah when “the freezer” opened this winter. Other major yeshivos on the East Coast added to the tally: Sh’or Yoshuv in Far Rockaway, New York, reported 225; Ner Yisroel in Baltimore, Maryland, had 180; Rav Asher Weiss’s Yeshiva Shaarei Torah of Rockland in Suffern, New York, more than 130; and Yeshiva Torah Vodaath in Brooklyn, New York, had 80. All of these dating bochurim, he knew, could use dating help.

And perhaps more importantly, Elimelech continued with this train of thought, there are the guys who travel to date out of town, where they lack their usual resources and ideas.

In Elul zeman of 2022, less than a year after the gemach’s launch, Elimelech began to tap into his extensive network of shadchanim and other good-hearted people across the country. He established satellite locations and additional gemach services in Monsey, Brooklyn, and Baltimore, all home to yeshivos with shidduch-aged bochurim.

For out-of-town cities, the gemach went beyond providing games and dating necessities; it also helped with arrangements from accommodations to cars to food and minyan needs. In a matter of days, responding to multiple requests from guys, six or seven locations were up and running.

“It was a Monday when I started calling out-of-town shadchanim, and that night I placed a bunch of orders on Amazon,” Elimelech says. “By Thursday, we were in business.”

Elimelech and his volunteers assembled directories and lists of local contacts to assist those who had arrived in those cities to date, and over the next few months, they added several more. To date, DRN operates in 12 cities, including Chicago, Los Angeles, Detroit, Toronto, Miami, and Cleveland. Between all of its locations, the gemach is utilized no less than 20,000 times a year.

The hotline was revamped to offer options for these other locales. When a caller dials in, he is prompted to identify the city he needs by its number and is then directed to lists of resources for that city. Elimelech worked with other local shidduch initiatives, incorporating whatever resources existed into the hotline to allow people easy access to other programs as well.

“I’ve gotten some calls from pretty far-flung places,” Elimelech notes. “There was a woman who called me asking if I knew any dating places in Louisiana.” (He ran to a computer to look up venues that seemed appropriate.)

Date Night

Throughout DRN’s development — and even throughout personal milestones — Elimelech has continued helping hotline callers plan their dates. In January, he celebrated his own chasunah to Chani Rubenstein of Brooklyn, who also runs a shidduch organization. (She and two friends, Sarah Orlian and Leah Klagsbrun, founded GirlsConnect, which plans “Meet the Shadchan” events with custom software that streamlines the process of booking appointments, enlisting shadchanim, and hiring professional photographers and entertainers.) Interestingly, the new couple share a common denominator: a passion to help peers through a journey they both know well.

“At my chasunah, we were taking pictures and I took two calls from the hotline,” Elimelech says. “I stepped out of the hall for a minute to help — no, I didn’t tell them I was in the middle of pictures.”

While at this point the gemach essentially runs itself with its simple sign-out system, it does need maintenance to keep the space neat and welcoming and to manage the inventory. Elimelech’s team of friends serve as devoted custodians, ensuring that every experience is a smooth one. When Elimelech got married, his friend Chesky Friedman took over day-to-day management of the gemach in Room 119.

Elimelech still fields the calls, though. He’s come to recognize some guys who dial in regularly, and he’s developed relationships through the hotline.

“I get invited to a lot of vorts and chasunahs for shidduchim I’ve helped guide,” he comments. “Some of these couples, I planned all of their dates.”

He jokes that at this point, DRN’s reach has gotten quite far — perhaps too far.

“A guy called one night looking for a good activity. His voice sounded a bit deeper, a bit more mature,” Elimelech remembers. “ ‘What date are you up to?’ I asked him.

“ ‘Me?’ he says, laughing. ‘I’m married for 20 years. I’m looking for a nice activity for a night out with my wife.’ ”

Strapped for Cash

AS time passed, Elimelech learned that sometimes his role was not to plan the actual date as much as to provide a listening ear. Callers were overwhelmed from planning a date — but it was more than the technical aspects. They needed to talk, to vent, to let off some steam, before pursuing the shidduch further.

“Most of the time I spend on the phone to help plan a date doesn’t have that much to do with the venue,” Elimelech says. “Once we’re on the phone, I find that many guys need someone to talk to, to provide a balanced sounding board. Some guys keep calling, and I get the impression they’re dragging their feet, for whatever reason.”

If he sees a caller needs more, Elimelech directs him to any one of the rabbanim and dating coaches he’s enlisted.

But there was one conversation that kept repeating itself on the hotline, and Elimelech was concerned.

“I’m ready to take our dating to the next level,” the caller would say.

“Go to the Brookyln Strategist to play a game, and then take her out to eat afterward,” he would advise. “A nicer place.”

Silence.

“How does that sound?” he’d ask.

A murmur, and silence.

After some prodding, the bochur would confide that while he agreed it sounded right, he just couldn’t afford to take his date out to eat on his parents’ credit card. He’d thank Elimelech and hang up the phone.

The conversation stung. And it happened over and over again, so many guys reconsidering their dates because of financial restraints — which could get so onerous, they actually kept some people from dating at all.

Elimelech could not let this go. He knew dating was largely dependent on a positive experience, but many guys couldn’t afford it. What could he do?

He knew what his next step was. It would be far bigger than any of his previous projects, yet far more consequential: a fund to facilitate more dates, and hopefully, more marriages.

“I was terrified to take it on,” Elimelech confesses. “I had no idea how we would pull it off.”

He established a fund for the cause and created a small team to help him sort through applications. With rabbinic guidance, Elimelech came up with protocols for enrollment. Once an application was approved, DRN would cover all dating expenses: car rental, gas and tolls, the date itself, and if travel was involved, airfare. To date, on a monthly budget of $15,000, the gemach fully funds approximately 100 dates each month.

“While there have been times when we were down to just a couple hundred dollars in the bank, somehow, with tremendous siyata d’Shmaya, we have not yet had to turn anyone down,” Elimelech says gratefully.

Needless to say, this fund has become a lifeline for so many. Elimelech remembers the call he received from a mother who frequently requested financial assistance for her son’s shidduchim.

“Can you help us with a shidduch in L.A.?” she asked anxiously.

“Of course,” Elimelech responded. “Why would this be different from any other date?”

“You don’t understand,” she said. “I can’t give a yes unless I know you have our back. We have no way to afford this. I need to make sure we’re covered before moving forward.”

Another mother called after setting up her son’s account for particulars about what was covered under the program.

“Everything from the rental car to the restaurant bill,” Elimelech told her — upon which she broke down crying.

“Since my husband lost his job, we had no idea how we could marry off our son — our budget can’t support his dating,” she tearfully recounted.

One afternoon a few months ago, Elimelech was sorting through recent donations when he noticed a large sum from a guy who had received funding for his dates. Certain this was in error, Elimelech called him to inquire.

“Not a mistake,” the guy reassured him. He had just gotten married, and he and his kallah decided to donate their wedding maaser money to the gemach.

“If not for the aid I received from you, we likely would not have gotten married,” he said. “From you, from DRN — it’s all because of you.” —

The Cost of a Date

(Lakewood to Brooklyn)

$58 Car rental

$55 Gas and tolls

$25 Parking

$15 Drinks

$140 Total

(add $50–$150 for a restaurant and/or activities, nothing fancy)

(add $500 for airfare if it involves travel out of town)

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1024)