Two of my kids are scared to go upstairs by themselves. What should I do?

Q:

My kids, ages six and eight, are scared to go to different parts of my house themselves. Whenever they need to go to a different floor of the house for any reason, they ask someone (either my husband or me, or sometimes even my two-year-old) to come with them. Many times, it’s tiring and inconvenient for me and my husband to follow them wherever they need to go. Can you provide me with practical tips on how to get them to feel comfortable with being by themselves in any part of my house?

A:

I wouldn’t assume this is an issue with “being comfortable with being themselves in any part of the house.” Rather, it’s more likely a form of the common anxiety that small kids feel when they are alone or temporarily separated from their parents. When kids with this issue are a bit older, as yours are, we might also suspect the presence of some anxious genes. However, a diagnosis (and professional intervention) would only be necessary if the problem persists after you’ve tried some simple parenting strategies with no resolution of the problem.

As they mature, most kids naturally become confident moving around their house on their own. But no amount of “telling” the kids about their competence will help. The children have to “survive” the independent journey to another room in order for their brains to register a feeling of mastery.

Fortunately, a step-by-step process can be intentionally utilized for helping anxious children develop the confidence they need to roam about their homes independently. Here’s how you can use it with your own two children.

Tell your children that they’re now big enough to go to all the rooms in the house on their own. Tell them you’re going to help them learn how it’s done, using small steps.

Start with standing with the kids in the kitchen. Now ask them to please go into the room adjacent to the kitchen. Tell them that you’ll stay in the kitchen, but you’ll talk to them the whole time they’re moving into the next room. Ask them to tell you when they’re in the next room. When they get there, go to them, praise their independent movement, and reward them with a treat.

The next day, tell them you’re going to start helping them learn how to go to the second floor. Take as many days as you need for teaching the skill. On the first day, walk up the stairs to the second floor with them and then, once you arrive there, ask them to come back down four steps with you. Next, YOU stand on the fourth step from the top and ask the children to climb the next three steps to the top while you watch them. Once they get to the top, you climb up the few steps, too, and congratulate them (“Excellent, you went up the last steps by yourself!”); give each a little kiss.

The next steps can be carried out right away or a little later the same day or the next day. Again, walk with the kids up to the second floor, then turn around with them and walk back down half way. Tell the kids that you’ll watch them go up the stairs to the second floor. You can speak to them as they’re climbing up the stairs (“Great, keep going.”). Again, once they arrive, go up and congratulate them. Next, go back down the stairs so that you are three-quarters of the distance to the top and repeat the process. Finally, stand right at the bottom of the stairs and repeat it again.

Next, move out of sight on the main floor and ask the kids to go up, while you’re still speaking to them (they can hear you). Next, stay out of sight while NOT speaking to them as they go up.

Adjust the steps as you see fit. However, continuously move forward. It’s essential that you do not go back to accompanying them from room to room — no exceptions. If they want to get somewhere, they’ll have to get themselves there!

Hopefully your children will soon be up and running all around their home — without your help!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 970)