Why are we being blamed when the other guy is in the wrong?

Meir had left his homework papers all over the dining room table. Mom, about to set the table for dinner, wasn’t happy. “Meir, I’ve asked you before. Please remove your things from the table before six o’clock!”

Meir grumpily started gathering his belongings, complaining as he did so, “Why do you always have to yell?’’

Mom felt bad. But she was also confused. “Why am I the one ‘in trouble’ when it’s Meir who did the wrong thing?”

Who’s the Bad Guy?

Meir isn’t feeling so bad right now. He’s not even thinking about his behavior; he’s thinking about his mother’s! This state of affairs often occurs when we deliver a less-than-perfect reprimand.

Zahava understood that her husband Naftali was a busy man who needed to answer frequent calls for his business. But Naftali had recently committed to putting his phone away during dinner and when they were in the car together. So, when Naftali answered a call twice during supper, Zahava wasn’t happy.

She didn’t say anything, because he had been good about this for the few weeks that had passed since they made the agreement. But the next day when he claimed he had to take a call while they were in the car together, Zahava lost it. “If you’re going to make exceptions every five minutes, then you’re breaking your promise!” she told him.

Instead of acknowledging his wife’s feelings, Naftali turned things around on her. “I’m really tired of your negativity,” he responded. “You know that I’ve made a huge change with regard to my phone habits, but instead of celebrating with me, you wait for some little imperfection and then you pounce all over it!”

Of course, Naftali didn’t realize that his wife had bit her lip on yesterday’s “little imperfections” because none of us notice what things our loved ones don’t do.

Zahava was crushed. Why was she being reprimanded when it was Naftali who was the one messing up?

Like Meir’s mom, Zahava had let irritation get the best of her. Her complaint wasn’t loud, but it was exaggerated. The lack of kindness combined with her lack of support for previous progress resulted in a defensive “counterattack” from her husband.

To be fair, it isn’t always a poorly constructed intervention that leads to turning of tables.

Sheva had agreed to drop some papers off at the lawyer’s office by noon. She had a lot of errands in the same area of town and decided to get them out of the way before stopping at the lawyer’s office.

Unfortunately, she lost track of time — something she only realized at twelve thirty. She made a dash for the law office, but due to a blockage on the road caused by local construction, didn’t make it until close to one. The lawyer who needed the document had already left for court without it. As the matter at hand was an important business-related lawsuit, her husband Aryeh was distressed.

“Wow. I’m not sure how it’s going to go without those papers,” he said to his wife.

Sheva turned on him. “If it was that crucial you should have made it clear to me!” she screeched. “I didn’t realize it was urgent, but that’s because you never communicate! Do you think I’m a mind reader?”

Of course, Sheva’s reaction might have come from feeling a tad guilty, or it might just have been that she interpreted his words as a frontal attack. Either way, he was now the “bad guy.”

The Way Home

Although these conversations have gone askew, there’s an easy fix. The newly accused person must completely refrain from offering a defensive reply to the counterattack, and instead, acknowledge the other person’s point, searching for even a minor element of truth in it.

Aryeh could say, “You’re right. I should have told you the papers were urgent and time sensitive” or Meir’s mom could say, “You’re right, I shouldn’t have raised my voice.”

With the acknowledgment out of the way, the person can now return to their original point, more carefully crafted than the original one. “Nonetheless, I’d like you to adhere to the rule to please have your things cleared off the table by 6 p.m.”

In other words, quickly pull out of the “bad guy” position, and make the point you were trying to make again, nicely. Don’t fall for the “turn-it-on-its-head” maneuver. Just get back up on your horse and continue riding in the direction you wanted to go.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 774)