Our preparations for Pesach should remind us of the actions that prepared Bnei Yisrael to emerge to freedom. It’s an obligation for us to use those preparations as a tool to delve into the middos that bring a person to freedom of the spirit.

A person should not get caught in the net of the yetzer hara that prevents him from focusing inwardly on his preparations. The yetzer hara causes one to turn his actions upside-down into technical actions without inner content. (Rav Chaim Friedlander Sifsei Chaim Vol. 2 Page 445)

I love Pesach. It’s the chag of spring when the world awakens. I remember as a little girl I loved Pesach so much I was even willing to wash dishes. I had never liked that task preferring to fold clean piles of laundry to tackling greasy plates. Thankfully my sister was always ready to switch with me.

But on Pesach we had beautiful dishes with gold rims all the cups and saucers were matching and it was so new and pretty that I always agreed to wash them.

On Pesach there were new clothing and shiny shoes. And a sparkling kitchen lined with aluminum foil. All these things turned the house into a palace. Pesach was a holiday that made me feel like a princess.

The heart is drawn after the actions. And my young heart was drawn to fancy dishes. But today I am older. What can influence me?

Looking for chometz and burning it teaches us to burn the ruach hatumah and the yetzer hara. A person buys his freedom only through destroying the yetzer hara within him. Because “there is no person who is free except someone who is busy with Torah” (Pirkei Avos 6:2).

A person is obligated to see himself every year as if he went out of Mitzrayim. Because every year he has a new obligation to fight the slavery of the yetzer hara until he reaches freedom. Thus we relive the redemption every generation: the redemption from the yetzer hara. (Sifsei Chaim)

Now the house is clean. I take a deep breath inhale the good feeling. I quietly open a drawer in the kitchen. No I don’t need to find anything. I just wanted to peek. To see this junk drawer that is always swallowing pens coins receipts and papers that no one knows what to do with. To see it neat and orderly. There’s a box for pens and another for coins. There are no crumpled pieces of paper. Only organization.

I look at the shining windows. And know that all the closets are clean. I’m sure that there aren’t any puzzle pieces under the bed. And the walls are finally free of scribbles.

A lot of water ran down these floors. A lot of stars saw me up late at night to get us here. And throughout it all what did all this work do inside of me?

The days of Pesach are days that are fortuitous for wresting freedom from the yetzer hara. Therefore don’t lose the opportunity by getting bogged down in the actual tasks. Rather be extra meticulous to be busy with chometz and matzoh in order to rouse yourself to get rid of the yetzer hara within. (Ibid.)

Suddenly as I face all the organization and peace there is a small thought that develops into a deep longing. I want to clean within me as well. To empty shelves of dust and to organize all the mess that is in my heart. To pour out once and for all the anger that’s within me that won’t leave. To search and peek into all the nooks and crannies to find the chometz that is hiding in my heart and makes me feel dissatisfied and small.

The rooms in my house are spotless. And the laundry is cleaned and folded. I wish I could also make Pesach inside of me. I want to make my heart shine like crystal. And to see the good and beauty reflected in it. I want to feel cleaner purer free from all the dirt that lodged inside me.

The outer action of being careful with chometz and the zerizus that characterizes making matzos should influence the inner person. (Ibid.)

I send up a personal silent tefillah. “Hashem you know how easy it is to clean a house and how hard it is to clean a heart. Please help me to feel Pesach in my heart and help me to purify it. Help me to establish order in the rooms of my soul.”

Maybe this year I will be zocheh to feel like a free person.