Five common mindset blockages of grief — and how to move beyond them 

“IF ONLY…”

When people hear that I’m a Grief Recovery Specialist with Grief UK, they sometimes assume I work exclusively with mourners who are bereft over the death of a loved one. But actually, there are over 40 different kinds of personal losses that can trigger emotions of grief. This includes divorce, retirement, loss of health, relocation, a child going off the derech, infertility, and more.

Regardless of why my clients are grieving, they commonly look back on the past and say, “If only circumstances had been different or better, if only I’d done more.”

One client, Aviva*, endured a long, difficult marriage before her divorce. “I’m a mess,” she told me during our first session. Even though she’d been divorced for several years already, she couldn’t put it behind her.

“I have so many regrets, so much remorse for what I did wrong,” Aviva shared. “If only I could’ve been a better mother to my children while I was going through that terrible time, maybe then my middle child wouldn’t be so resentful of me.”

I suggested to Aviva that alongside these feelings of “I wish I did more,” she was also probably chastising herself for all the “I wish I hadn’t done that” actions and decisions that had backfired on her.

“How did you know?” she asked surprised. I explained to Aviva that when someone is trapped in an “if only” mindset blockage, they focus exclusively on errors, whether it’s for something they did — or didn’t — do.

Another client, Sarah, was similarly consumed by “if only” thoughts after her husband was niftar. Sarah’s husband Dovi had had a painful illness for a number of years, but his death came as a shock to the family because of its sudden nature.

Sarah had called the doctor the morning of Dovi’s death, as she felt that something was slightly off with her husband. But the doctor’s appointments were already taken, and it didn’t appear to be an emergency.

“If only I’d pressed for an appointment,” Sarah lamented. “If only I would’ve taken him to the emergency room. If only I would’ve realized how sick he really was.”

These kinds of thoughts attach people to the past and hinder the healing process. So, what can we do to move beyond the “if only” mindset blockage?

It helps to start by acknowledging, and humbly accepting, human imperfection — especially our own. Since we tend to focus on our mistakes, it’s worthwhile to contemplate the numerous occasions when we didn’t err — all the times we acted wisely or rose to the occasion. This helps to create a more balanced and reflective view of the past.

For example, during the years Sarah served as her husband’s medical support and advocate, she made numerous wise and, at times, life-saving decisions on her husband’s behalf. Similarly, Aviva was a rock for her children, taking on the role of both mother and father during the tumultuous years leading up to and following the divorce.