Coping with unlovable loved ones during lockdown

Family relationships are complex. The always-happy, always-smiling family exists in social media posts and in our adolescent imaginations. Real-life families have good moments and bad ones, easy relationships and hard ones. We usually manage family life despite the complexities partly because we’re not together all the time. Except now we are.

“My husband and I get along fine ⸺ as long as we don’t see each other too much. Whenever we’re together we manage to get into some sort of dispute. We love each other, but don’t get along that well. So now that we’re spending all this time together, I have to admit that it’s hard. This isn’t a person I want to be with all day.”

When spouses go about their normal lives, leaving the house each day to go somewhere and do something, they can experience acceptance and positive regard from the world at large. This gives them a nice break from the tensions they might experience with loved ones ⸺ people who see them up close and regularly enough to detect their quirks and flaws. Husbands and wives, parents and children, siblings, and any who live with each other often get on each other’s nerves. They don’t always speak so nicely to each other.

This is true of people who actually get along. Sometimes one is living with one or more truly difficult personalities. The normal daily leaves of absence are necessary to make life tolerable. So what happens when we can’t escape?

Challenging Children

“My ADHD, ODD eight-year-old is extremely difficult to manage at the best of times. He’s not the kind of kid who can spend all day playing nicely with his brothers and sisters. Now we’re all in cramped quarters all of the time and, of course, he’s tormenting his siblings nonstop. When I try to discipline him, he has a major meltdown that completely destroys the atmosphere in the house. He drains me completely, to the degree that I can’t give the other kids what they need. I feel helpless and guilty and angry at him, even though I know it’s not his fault that he’s like this.

A dysregulated child, a negative partner, an extremely anxious and needy parent ⸺ these people are now spending time with their families all the time. How are their family members supposed to cope?

Dealing with Ever-Present Unlovable Loved Ones

One strategy is to try less. Counterintuitive as this might sound, giving up before investing all of one’s energy in a hopeless cause can actually be smart. Difficult people don’t tend to suddenly become easy. Depriving them of optimal living conditions doesn’t usually lead to improvement in their mood or behavior.

So why fight nature? Understand right off that everyone in the family will be true to his or her natural character at this time, including those whose natural characters are very challenging. Now that you’ve accepted this fact, you don’t have to be surprised when “behavior” occurs. You don’t even have to struggle to “fix” it. Unless it’s physically dangerous, just let it pass. Your lack of involvement will be easier on you. There’s a small possibility that it will help reduce some of the inappropriate behavior (but don’t hold your breath).

While you’re withdrawing attention from troublemakers, you can simultaneously increase attention to those family members who are cooperating nicely. Doing so is beneficial in several ways. First, it relieves the guilt that you would normally feel from giving all your time and energy to difficult family members. Second, it shows the challenged loved ones what they need to do in order to get your attention. Maybe they’ll take the hint! Third, it fosters better behavior and increased well-being in appropriately behaved loved ones who finally feel recognized and validated for the efforts they’re always putting forth.

It will help to keep in mind that the current situation is not a permanent one, even though it may feel like that right now. School and work will happen again. People will be able to leave their homes. Although we don’t know when it will happen, it’s important to look forward to the fact that it will happen. Doing so will reduce your current stress and give you more energy with which to cope.

Of course, the best strategy of all is turning to Hashem — for patience, strength, and the healing of all concerned — and for an end to living conditions that are “too close for comfort.”

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 689)