It’s fine to ask for help. How you do so makes all the difference

Tova has had an eye-opening experience during lockdown. She works full time, so she’s not usually at home during the day. Now that she’s in close quarters with her family, she’s seeing things she never realized before. And she doesn’t like it.

“We have three teenagers,” she says. “They’re all old enough to help out. But I see them lying around all day, expecting me to run around cleaning up after them as if they were toddlers.

“We have toddlers too, and I have enough to do taking care of them and the other kids. I’m barely managing, and I constantly feel exhausted and irritable. I have to try to work eight hours while all the children are around, I need to prepare three meals a day for the nine of us, keep the house clean, and homeschool the kids.

“I’m on the brink of collapse, and they don’t seem to care! I have to beg them to get off the couch and off their phones to help me, and they never do a proper job. That’s aside from all their personal junk they leave lying around on every available surface.”

The kids have their own comments on the matter. “We liked it better when Mommy was out of the house all day. Now that’s she’s home all the time, she yells. She gives us these speeches: ‘You’d better clean up your act! I’m not your servant! I’m sick of seeing the mess around here!’ We know she’s stressed about everything she has to do, and about coronavirus, but things are tough for us too. And she’s making it miserable to be home.”

Tova’s upset with her husband, too. “Now that he’s home more, you’d think he would be available to help me out more. Especially when he sees how I’m struggling and how much there is to do. But no, he’s busy working and learning in his home office, and only comes out when he’s hungry. And he’s always hungry, scavenging in the fridge and pantry for goodies.

“When I try to speak to him about pitching in more and being more available, he beats a hasty retreat, saying he’s expecting an important telephone call.”

Her husband sees another side. “I feel like she’s treating me like a child, trying to micromanage my time, my eating, my habits… She’s taking out all her frustration with the coronavirus situation on me, not understanding that I’m trying to manage my business, my staff, my suppliers, everything remotely, which is a huge logistical pressure. It’s as if she thinks because I’m home, the business will magically run on its own so I can run the family.”

Making an Impression

Tova is a good mother who wants her kids to be responsible. She’s also usually a pleasant woman whom others like and respect. But right now, she’s making her family’s lives difficult. What is she doing wrong?

The first issue is delivery. If she expressed herself in a kind way, it’s possible she could gain her husband and teenagers’ support, and they’d agree to be more responsible and helpful.

Her second error is how she’s approaching them. Why all the drama? She can respectfully appeal to their logic, their sense of fairness, their love of their parents/spouse, and their inherent goodness to gain cooperation. Instead, she’s chosen to insult and berate them, showing them that disrespectful communication is an acceptable way to get what you want, and making them feel diminished and uncared for.

When educating children, avoid destroying the parent-child relationship, offering an unhealthy model, or harming a child’s sense of self. This mother knows what she wants to teach; she just has to learn how to teach it. She wants to do a good job of raising her children; she just has to learn how best to do that.

The same applies for working out an issue with a spouse. In her state of stress, instead of practicing good communication, she’s being excessively critical and demanding. The end result is a husband who’s doing all he can to avoid her, and who feels overwhelmed by his own challenges, instead of two people who can lean on each other for support in coping with the burden that being in lockdown has put on their family.

This should not be about her versus her family. It should be about all of them working together to improve a difficult situation.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 695)